Monday, July 30, 2012

i blogged about my weekend.

i want to take this moment to say that i am an olympics nut. this is not my post about the olympics.

but i just want to say that i am in my basement, where we have the only TV that has channels, and i'm curled up with my laptop, my sorority blanket, and i'm not planning on moving. all i need is my stuffed simba.

THIS post is about my weekend. and how awesome it was. it was so awesome, it's going to come in parts.

are you ready? of course you're ready. you have to be ready.

EMILY GOES AND VISITS HER BOYFRIEND, JACOB, IN MICHIGAN FOR THE WEEKEND.


this is the encompassing title. that's not a part. that's the title of the entire weekend. awesome.

we're not cute. we're frightening.
in case you forget what jacob and i look like, or you never knew to begin with, here's a cute picture of us. or something.

so i leave at four in the afternoon, because of course, jacob has to train for his iron man or whatever he's training for, and he's angsty because he has a stress fracture and he can't run, so he was swimming, and this is a really long sentence, but i left at four. my mother warns me about storms coming into the area. so i'm driving with the windows down and i'm excited to get to the michigan border because then i can listen to my indie station, and i'm looking at the sky, and i'm driving straight toward dark clouds.

then i'm driving straight toward black skies.

and then it starts raining, and my first thought is, hmm, i should roll up my windows, my guitar is in the back seat and i spent a good sixty bucks on that sucker.


my second thought is OMG I CAN'T SEE IT'S RAINING SO FREAKIN' HARD I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING OMG I'M GONNA DIE.

it was exciting.

the next fun part of my drive was on 94 in michigan. 94 is your generic 2 lane highway. just like 69, which is most of my drive to alma. but there's just something about it that's so different from 69.

there is so much traffic on 94 it's ridiculous. cruise control? forget about it.

i'm already late because i took too long eating an apple before my drive, and about twenty miles from my exit to jacob's, traffic starts to slow down. i'm behind a semi and i'm thinking maybe i should get into the left lane if i can, but i decide to stick it out behind mr. semi. we're moving toward a traffic jam. we're averaging five miles an hour. i'm thinking about breaking my phone while driving ban and calling jacob while my car is stopped.

we're beyond kalamazoo. i'm not sure why there's this much traffic and why it's standing still.

of course. somebody got pulled over. it caused a five mile traffic jam. because somebody got pulled over.

the train wreck effect? "holy cow! that person got pulled over! i need to slow down to ten miles an hour and stare! never mind that i'm on a heavily trafficked highway where the speed limit is seventy!"

THE OLYMPIC CEREMONIES WERE... UH... AWESOME.


i'm trying to figure out why i missed the beijing opening ceremonies. i really am. i did nothing that summer. i went to LA in june and helped out hundreds of homeless people, but that was about it. so why did i miss the best opening ceremonies of all time?

jacob could care less about the olympics. i live for the olympics. best. summer. ever.

me: we have to watch the opening ceremonies.
jacob: but i rented pulp fiction.
me: NBC. NOW. I'VE WAITED FOUR YEARS FOR THIS.

before they start, jacob's news channel spends a lot of time talking about all of the michigan athletes. most of them are GVSU rowers. which is awesome. rowing is cool.

and then suddenly kenneth branaugh is there with a cigar and a top hat, looking like abraham lincoln, and i remember how AWESOME kenneth branaugh is and then it's opening ceremonies time and he's reciting shakespeare on a hill and it was awesome.

emily's personal highlights.

1. kenneth branaugh. obviously.
2. THEY SET FIRE TO THE RAIN.
3. those industrial columns were pretty cool.
4. just kidding, harry potter, voldemort's back and he's 100 feet tall.
5. that kid. his shirt said "frankie says relax".
6. the queen. she's cool. and no, she didn't sky dive. c'mon guys, she's in her eighties.
7. the fireworks. they were awesome.
8. i just love the olympics.

during the parade of nations, jacob gets up and starts to put in pulp fiction.

me and jacob's mom: what are you doing.
jacob: if we're going to watch pulp fiction we have to watch it now.
me: but france is coming up in the parade. i like france.
jacob: but i rented it.
jacob's mom: put that DVD away, sit down, and watch the parade. NOW.

later, jacob and me: SENEGAL! ITALY! SPAIN! COUNTRIES!

apparently, we like all the same countries.

then, even later, me: GREAT BRITAIN! SAEKHGJSEFG! I LOVE GREAT BRITAIN! AHHH! ENGLAND! AHHHH! THE UNION FLAG! THEIR TEAM IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

i kinda like england. a lot.

RUNNING INTO ADAM AND STUFF, LIKE KAYAKING


jacob and i went kayaking in the morning, which was fun. i associate kayaking with god, which isn't that weird if you think about it, because the first time i went kayaking was at church camp. we paddled around a small lake and we got out at a sand bar, and while jacob was sitting with his butt stuck in the sand, a fish bit his hip.

you should see that kid jump.

halfway back across the lake, i took a few minutes to meditate with god in my kayak, and lo behold, a teeny blue damsel fly landed on my finger. he smiled at me. we bonded for a good five minutes. he was really cute. god is good.

after kayaking, i cheered a lot for great britain in men's road cycling, and then jacob took me out to lunch at a coffee shop, where we ran into his good and awesome friend adam.

after having a nice lunch with adam, we decide to go to the antique shop next door.

i buy a lion shaped cookie cutter for a dollar.

think of all of the beautiful lion shaped cookies that i can make! it's lion shaped! my happiness was rather incredible.

after that, we went into an art building and looked at some fancy wood work, and then, like the hipsters we are, we sat by the river, played guitars, and sang folk music. that was pretty awesome.

then we went to the grocery store to pick up sour cream, and i wanted an adult beverage for jacob's bonfire. the michigan cashier had fun with my indiana driver's license. and adam bought me a delicious doughnut.

THE EIGHT HOUR BONFIRE OF HAPPINESS


jacob decided that this weekend was a good weekend for a get together with friends. because we're RAs all the time, not just at school, if you were of age and wanted to bring an adult beverage, you could, which is why i bought that yummy wine cooler. at six, jacob's high school friends came over, we started a fire, and we had a bonfire. because that's what happens when you start fires, right? but we started a fire and had a bonfire.

until three in the morning.

we grilled hamburgers on the fire (except for jacob and me) and janaya and stephen, jacob's awesome friends that just got married last weekend, showed up with a very large jug of lemon vodka. janaya shared some of it with me.

it tasted like lemon rubbing alcohol. i'll stick with wine coolers.

stephen, jacob, alex, joe, and eric all smoked pipes, janaya got drunk and we became best friends, kelsey showed up around eleven, and we talked about all kinds of things.

and allegan, where jacob lives, has stars. fort wayne doesn't have stars. i spent a decent amount of time just looking up at the stars.

we ate yummy food. we laughed. we talked. oh, and i got to hold a gun.

when it comes to guns, i take the odd thomas/chuck bartowski approach.

odd thomas: "i'm spooked by guns."
chuck bartowski: "i get the idea of, uh, point and click? but see, i've, uh, well i've never actually, uh, i've never really fired a gun, or really, uh, held a gun, or killed anybody with a gun, and i just don't think this is a good idea-"

i've fired a gun. i've shot a rifle. at popcans in the desert. that was fun.

this was a hand held pistol.

jacob made sure about eighty times that it was unloaded before i touched it. i kept it pointed at the ground. i was still convinced that it was loaded.

i held a personal pistol in my hand for about a minute and i wanted to pee myself in terror.

rest assured, if i were to murder you, it would not be with a gun.

AS MY VHS COLLECTION GROWS


janaya and stephen and jacob and i went on a double date on sunday, after sleeping in from being up until three having the magical bonfire. we decided that we were going to go the antique fair, which i guess is a really big deal.

there were thousands of people. thousands of vendors. thousands of items. people from different states.

it was a really big deal.

after four hours of hardcore antiquing and pining over a couch and drinking a fabulous expensive lemonade, i came away with titanic (and the little mermaid) on VHS.

i just really enjoy VHS tapes. and more importantly, watching them.

the couch that i pined over was awesome, by the way. totally awesome. it was yellow, leather, circular, and came with yellow, leather, and circular chairs. but i'm poor. i don't have 750 bucks for two awesome chairs and an awesome couch.

i also pined over a schwinn bike from the fifties, too many paper weights, and a lot of really awesome rotary phones.

after four hours of antiquing with janaya, who's an absolute pro, we only saw half of the vendors. seriously. this antique fair was that. awesome.

and now i've come to the last part of my weekend. hold onto your pants.

AND THEN I ILLEGALLY SMUGGLED A WASP BACK INTO INDIANA


the drive from allegan to fort wayne is a good two and a half hours. i was making it on 94 with my windows down and listening to the fantastic indie station. i stopped to pee outside of kalamazoo (that awesome lemonade caught up with me) and then i get back in my car and i'm ready to head to my grandparents' for popcorn and olympic swimming and gymnastics. my ears hurt, so i roll up in my windows.

i'm on the higway. i hear a buzzing sound.

i see something large dive bomb into my passenger wheel well.

i ignore it. it's something big and black, but i can't hear it anymore, and besides, the buzzing made it sound like it was dying.

twenty miles later. something flies across my line of vision and goes into my wheel well.

pretty sure it's a wasp of some kind. i have cruise control. if i don't move my legs, it should have no reason to sting me.

another ten miles. i ignore it.

then it decides that it wants to dive bomb my steering column. now it's somewhere around my steering wheel and my dashboard, and now i'm freaking out. i don't know where the damn thing is. i move to pass a semi. i flip my turn signal.

it's on my turn signal toggle.


it erupts into a loud amount of buzzing, it flies at my face, i scream and don't crash, and then it's sitting on my windshield, right by my rear view mirror.

this isn't a yellow jacket. this is a big nasty black wasp thing. i have my air conditioning on. i roll down both of my windows to give it incentive to leave.

it sits.

and when i say it sits on my windshield, it sat. for almost forty miles.


those were the longest forty miles of my life, let me tell you. i spent more time looking at the lethal bastard than i did looking at the highway.

we near indiana. to ease my nerves, i negotiate.

me: hey there, wasp. i know it's a long fly to indiana, so i'm willing to drive you there, if you promise not to sting me or make me crash my car. i feel like this is a good deal. when we reach indiana, please exit to the right, out of the passenger side window.
wasp: cool. i'm just going to sit here and scare the shit out of you.

we reach indiana. it doesn't move. i'm praying now. praying. because i don't want to get stung (i've never really been stung. i was once. in the netherlands. some form of dutch bee. it doesn't count.) and i certainly don't want to crash my car if it flies at me.

ten miles into indiana it starts crawling. toward me. and then it flies at me and out the window.

i scream. keep control of the car. breathe explosively. roll up the windows and continue to breathe explosively.

i adjust my position by leaning forward and cracking my back.

the bastard is still in the car. nudged up against my car door. IT HASN'T LEFT. IT IS STILL IN MY VEHICLE.

i scream again. keep control of the car. roll down the window.

after nearly seventy miles of wasp smuggling, it exits at angola.

it was pretty much... awful.

THE END OF THIS POST AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE?)

let's recap.

1. i went to michigan.
2. i went kayaking and bonded with a dragon fly.
3. i went antiquing and got a lion shaped cookie cutter and two VHS tapes.
4. the opening ceremonies were awesome. i recapped it in a list like this one.
5. i went to a coffee shop and played guitar by a river.
6. i had an eight hour bonfire that was awesome.
7. i held a gun and was scared out of my mind.
8. i illegally smuggled a wasp across state lines.

it was a pretty awesome weekend.

next post: how emily feels about the olympics. coming soon to a blog near you.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

city city city city.

has it really been almost a month since i last blogged?

why, yes, yes it has. oops. can i give you a list of reasons? sure i can.

1. i have an average of five appointments a week. don't worry. i'm fine. i think.
2. odd thomas. this is a legitimate reason.
3. work work work!
4. um. more odd thomas.

but this post is about city. which is work.

do you even know what city is? probably not. you're about to find out.

city in a nutshell is this: athreedayswimmeetwithseventeenteamsandtheresabigparadeanditssuperlongandsuperfunandyoudecoratecarsandstuff.

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTS!

city is basically the biggest weekend of my entire life. like, bigger than anything i do at school.

theoreticaly, i have been a part of seventeen cities. realistically, i think i've done maybe... ten.

it's broken into four sessions.

1. eight and under session. friday night, three until eight.
2. fifteen and over and eleven and twelve session. six forty-five until noon-ish, saturday morning.
3. thirteen and fourteen and nine and ten session. noon-ish until seven-ish. saturday afternoon.
4. finals session. all ages that made it back for finals. noon until whenever the hell the meet gets done.

this doesn't count sunday morning. but i'll get to that.

FRIDAY.

so this begins with the twins (hannah and emma) and parker, our prep coach, coming over to my house on friday afternoon so we could carpool to southside, because it's a hefty trip. note that southside, the nicest pool in fort wayne, is in the ghetto.

parker and the twins arrive. emma and i paint parker's toenails bright pink. i mean BRIGHT PINK. we don't mess around. my mom stands next to me and croons about how cute parker's toenails are.

on the way to southside, we're sitting in traffic between two SVUs full of older, african american women. what are we doing?

blasting "single ladies" and screaming IF YA LIKE THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT

because that's what we do. we're dancing. parker is trying to disappear in my back seat.

aren't they cute? :)
as far as the friday night session goes, it's always decently stressful. it takes forever because every single person swimming is between the ages of three and eight. and yes, there was a three year old.

our eight and unders swam amazingly. a bunch of them dropped time and even made it back for finals, which is awesome, because they only take the top sixteen, and believe me, there were over 100 girls swimming the 25 freestyle.

emma and i spent a decent amount of time stalking ryan, who coaches arlington's little kids. he was at leigh-ann palmer with his toenails painted and wearing a pink bathrobe with puppies on it.

the life of a swim coach.

the only bad thing about friday night was the fact that brian was his normal pain in the butt seven year old self. we couldn't find him, and parker finally tracked him down up in the stands, where three of us had expressly forbidden him to go. like the west wing in the beauty and the beast.

he then slipped, fell, and almost seriously injured himself, like almost cracked open his head on the pool deck injured himself, and that involved five lifeguards, the natatorium director, and his babysitter.

if anything medically is going to happen to you, you want it to happen to you at southside. it's in the top five safest pools in the country.

SATURDAY.


the twins and parker arrive at my house at six ten in the morning. we load up into the twins' car and what do we do?

go through the starbucks drive thru.

ignore the blurriness. we were
rounding a curve.
we're wearing matching shirts. all four of us. hannah rolls down the window, leans out, and says, "we need four of the biggest java chips that you have with extra whipped cream, please." like this is the most normal thing in the world.

that was some damn good starbucks.

we get to the natatorium at six forty-five am. it's gonna be a long day.

i drink my starbucks way too quickly. i have to pee. we're not allowed on deck, so i use the bathroom upstairs where the parents are, and there's some orchard ridge parent in the stall next to me on her cell phone. i'm just doing my business and suddenly she's asking me if clinton and calhoun are parallel streets. and i'm like, yeah, clinton is east of calhoun, but they're parallel, and she's like, oh okay thanks, i'm giving this lady directions, and i'm sitting there like, uh, we're using the bathroom here. at seven in the morning.


the morning session was almost but not quite a nightmare. we had a large number of eleven twelve girls, and none of them made it back, but they sure had fun. the problem was, every other team (that's sixteen teams.) had a bunch of eleven twelve girls too.

the meet. did. not. end.

we were scheduled to end at noon and have warm ups for the third session be at twelve fifteen.

it's noon. we're still on backstroke. that leaves butterfly, IM, and the relays. oh, and there's another age group competing, too, don't forget the fifteen and overs.

at this point, my back is starting to hurt. a lot. a lot a lot. it hurt enough that emma and i snuck into the lifeguard locker room, raided their freezer, and got a bag of ice. i sat against a wall for a while, highlighting my heat sheet for the next session, and then it broke and dripped all over me. it looked like i sweated through my shirt. delightful.

around eleven thirty, hannah and i were hungry. lucky for us coaches, there's a hospitality room where you can walk in and basically eat anything that you want. last year i explicitly suggested vegetarian options, and so far all i had encountered for a main meal was a chicken wrap and some fried chicken, so that was upsetting.

but they had doughnuts.


you know those dunkin' donuts oreo doughnuts that are new?

i grabbed one.

i eat some cheese and pasta salad and hannah's going through results, and i start it on my doughnut.

absolute foodgasm.


hannah's sitting next to me and david (arlington's coach that i went to high school with) is across from me and they're talking to me about results, but all i can think about is how this doughnut is seriously the best thing i have eaten in my entire freaking life.

me: eskhrgkeushgkjdhgsg
david: emily. you're moaning.
me: THIS DOUGHNUT AHHH I CAN'T WHAT IT'S SO AHHHH

um. yes. tumblrspeak employed in the work place.

oh, i forgot to mention, i've had "prince ali" from aladdin stuck in my head. the entire fuggin' day.


if you don't know that song, here it is, for your enjoyment.


i know.

so by three o'clock in the afternoon, the third session is dragging. we have a lot of nine ten girls, and they're swimming fabulously. but our coffee has worn out, and we've been here since before seven. we're getting reeeal sleepy.

and prince ali is melting my brain.

so emma and i start holding hands. we're popping up behind people (mostly david) and screaming STRONG AS TEN REGULAR MEN DEFINITELYYYYY like it's our job. every time we sit down, we wonder if we'll have the strength to stand back up. my entire life has become scratching events off my heat sheet and robin william's singing in my head.

around five, parker sits down with me and hannah and emma. and he decides to tell us a story about driving over here.

parker: so i was driving to emily's house and i saw a ferret.
this is the funniest thing that emma and i have ever heard. we are so delirious that we burst into laughter.
parker: so this ferret has a bird in its mouth, right?
emma and i are crying we are laughing so hard.
parker: so i'm watching this ferret cross the road with a bird in its mouth and then BOOM it's hit by a truck!
emma and i are literally on the pool deck, crying because we are laughing so hard.


i think you can agree that this story isn't funny. this is what city does to you.

i was instructed to go find my chiropractor's husband (who is also a chiropractor) to help time about halfway through the third session. i find her in the stands and she runs up to me and she's like, OMG EMILY IS YOUR BACK OKAY DO YOU NEED ME TO DO SOMETHING TO IT I CAN TRY TO ADJUST IT I KNOW YOUV'E BEEN STANDING ALL DAY ARE YOU GOING TO DIE

and i'm like, i just need your husband.

oh, just a reminder, PRINCE ALIIII FABULOUS HEEEEEEE

to keep it in your head while you're reading.

so. saturday is EXACTLY twelve hours long. i call my dad to tell him i'm on my way home. he hopes that i don't mind that they started eating dinner without me. it's seven at night and they just couldn't wait to eat their pizza. when i get home, my voice is gone and my dad doesn't trust me to hold my own plate.

i'm that tired.

we end up watching the little mermaid. i tried singing poor unfortunate souls and i sounded almost exactly like ursula.

SUNDAY.


sunday is full of fun activities that involve me picking up the twins and being at the pool at nine thirty. we're wearing our matching tank tops that we puffy painted ourselves. mr. nanna, my boss's husband, has like, surround sound in his escalade, and we're listening to party music. kids start arriving. we have a guy in a frog costume running around and dying of heat stroke. we're car decorating.

oooooh yeah.

after car decorating, there's dancing. and they start playing the macarena, and the twins and i are like, YEAH! NINETIES!

and the younger kids are like, what the hell is the macarena. 

it's a sad world that we live in.

most of the kids and the twins ride in a trolley all the way downtown. we parade our cars and i'm waving a flag out of my car. we get to southside and everything is completely parked up, and i parallel parked (go me!) and then it's warm up time, and then it's parade time.

parade time. seventeen teams. we all line up outside, we all dress up (one year sean was buzz lightyear. that was pretty sweet.) and we walk in and scream and hoot and holler and do our team cheer and this is what city is really about, it's about getting together and having a fun meet with all the other summer teams.

we walk in screaming WE ARE THE BIGGEST, THE BADDEST, THE BEST YOU EVER SEEN, WE ARE THE GREEN AND BLACK SENSATION, THE AUTUMN RIDGE SWIM TEAM!

and thank god avalon didn't do their cheer that they've been doing since i was little. because that damn cheer will get stuck in my head all day and i already have the macarena in my head. i'd rather have prince ali.

after warm ups, the meet begins.

and let me tell you, we swam like bosses. it was our best city performance in a long, long time. and it was extra super fun.

my feet were soaked. they were tired. my voice was absolutely gone, but does that stop me from screaming and sounding like a dying pneumonia patient?

no, of course not.

when the meet was over, the twins and i sat on a bench, holding hands, completely dazed. and then we cried a little bit.

it was a good weekend. we had four kids take firsts in finals, and our relays were outstanding.

my voice still hasn't sufficiently recovered. but that's okay.

so now my job is over and i have another year without the most stressful weekend of my life. hoooray!

now here's some stuff i forgot to mention.

1. muffin smuggling and stuffing.
2. emma seeing jesus in the heat sheet.
3. me reading CCST as something completely inapproriate in my delirium.
4. various crying over ankle bracelets being banned.
5. me stuffing my face with olives because that was all that was left in the hospitality room.

those were some fine olives, by the way. very fine olives.

i didn't do this justice.

but nobody can ever do city justice unless you go and experience it. city is a once in a lifetime experience.

i've just gotten to experience it every year since i was four. :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

you're already invading my privacy anyway.

THIS POST IS A GROSS INVASION OF MY PRIVACY!

which is cool. because i'm writing it. and i can invade my own privacy if i want.

the question is, do you want to invade my privacy with me.

i feel like you do. this is blog about my life, and you're reading it, so you're reading about my life and what i have to say about it, so you're already invading my privacy anyway.

might as well keep going.

today was the day! today was the day that i got a trans-vaginal ultrasound! oh boy oh boy oh boy!

i'd been mentally preparing myself for a week. mostly just telling myself in the shower emily, it's gonna be okay. it's gonna be okay.


if you don't know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is, i'm not going to tell you. now you have to keep reading to find out!

i'm so clever.

anyway.

i'm fretting at work this morning. i've been fretting for a week. when i leave work half an hour early and drive home to shower and become a presentable person (no showering before work. ever.) i'm freaking out. i need a full bladder so they can tell my bladder apart from my uterus.

because i guess that people can get confused.

so i'm chugging a grape-raspberry vitamin water zero because i don't like actual water. i only drink it when i exercise, or go out to eat, because it's free. you'll never catch me lounging with a glass of water. water has a taste, kids. and i don't like it.

i'm supposed to walk to the hospital. after all, it's literally like... a quarter mile from my house. i can see it from my bedroom window. but i'm too nervous, and now i'm full of vitamin water pee. so i drive over and it takes me about two minutes, tops. i walk in through the hospital entrance doors and i announce loudly and boldly that i'm emily, i have a pelvic exam at ten fifteen, and i'm ready.

i'm not. i'm not. not really.

i'm led to a waiting room where i commence to read about odd thomas and the love of his life eating churros in a parking lot. they're oddly proposing to one another (no pun intended) and odd can't figure out if stormy is saying yes. he's delighted to find out that she has, because they're abstinent and he can't wait much longer.

i know how odd feels. abstinence. it can suck.

so i'm reading about this and i'm just thinking about what my mother told me. she's away at church camp and can't hold my hand.

emily, they're going to stick a cold wand up there. it won't be that bad. it gets easier after having sex and having children because your tube widens.

thanks, mom. i've never had sex.

and i've certainly not given birth to a live, screaming baby.

i'm called back into a teeny receptionist area. i present my insurance card and my driver's license. the receptionist asks me if i have a living will.

good god.


i go back outside to reading about odd thomas. he makes me happy. i should invest in his other three books.

then this nice ultrasound tech named leah takes me away to the radiology wing of the hospital. normally i'm there for spinal x-rays. not to get wands shoved up my vagina.

so now i'm lying on my back on this bed and she's asking me how irregular and weird my periods are. then she squirts some hot ultrasound jelly on my stomach and starts pressing her magic ultrasound marker all over me. pressing hard.

my bladder is full.

i once held my pee for thirteen hours. i can handle this. i got this on lock.

i'm thinking about all kinds of things while she's playing pictures with my reproductive system. the first is juno, and how i'm very happy that there's not a baby on the screen. then i'm thinking about how i definitely know that i'm going to blog about this.

it's just one of those things you blog about.

when she's done, she gives me a towel and i try to mop up the goop with it, but i still get a little bit on my shorts. then she hands me a sheet, tells me to pee for as long as i can because my bladder is exceptionally full (two vitamin waters in fifteen minutes.) and she wants all of my pee out. then i can cover myself in this sheet and come back and it's time for the nasty part.

so i go into this teeny lit bathroom. and i sit down and pee. and on the pretext of trying to squeeze out alllll of my pee, i start pooping.

this is way more information than you want to know, but i'm not even to the trans-vaginal part of my story, so suck it up.

the only thing i'm thinking while i'm dropping turds into this toilet is olan rogers.


it is indeed a monday. and olan rogers is indeed talking about pooping. in a target bathroom.

so i finish my pooping. and i'm giggling because in my head olan rogers is going, "IF YOU JUST DO ME THIS SOLID, I WILL PRESENT YOU WITH MORE SOLID."

so i come back out with this sheet wrapped around me and i set my stuff by my purse and leah is telling me to lay back and put my feet up in these stirrups.

i'm becoming a woman.

then she pulls out the ultrasound wand and i want to run away.

this is honestly the first thing i think: if my husband's dick is ever that big, i swear to god i am never ever ever EVER having sex.

it was big.

leah explains to me that the ultrasound jelly is warm and it should be fine. it's barely going to be inserted, and for my own privacy, i get to insert it. just like a tampon.

the biggest tampon i've ever seen in my life.

literally, the thing is so big i have to ask if her if it's even in my vagina or not while i'm inserting it.

so she grabs the handle of this huge vagina wand and starts moving it around. she's not looking at my vagina, which makes me feel better, because my vagina is my vagina and not really her business. she's looking at the ultrasound screen, which i can't see, what with my legs all up in stirrups like i'm about to have a baby.

she tells me that my bladder is full.

and i'm like, excuse me, i just peed the clearest pee ever like, two minutes ago.

about three minutes into my vaginal probing, she hands me a towel and tells me that i have to pee again. i'll let you guess what i had to do with the towel.

so i'm peeing again. and during those two minutes that leah was probing in my vagina, my bladder has completely refilled itself. i took that whole "have a full bladder ready" requirement seriously.

it turns out that my little pee break is a blessing. i slid that vagina wand back into my vagina, leah grabs onto it, and then she's no longer just like, moving it around. it feels like she's probing.

"just a little pressure on the left side."

not much pressure.

"and some pressure on the right side."

not much pressure.

and then it feels like this magical vagina wand suddenly got a claw and it's sunk its teeth into the innards of my vagina and it's tugging at them. it stings. it burns.

my thoughts: i have a low pain tolerance. but i can tolerate this. i already got the wand in my vagina, i'll be fine. just grit your teeth and play with your ring. think about how you're going to blog about this. NO. SCREW THIS. THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BURN.

me: um. this hurts a lot.

she switches the magic vagina wand's position. not much better.

i tolerate it for another two minutes. then i tell leah that i'm extremely uncomfortable. i don't tell her that i want my mother.

leah pulls out. we're done here. she hands me another towel. i retreat to the bathroom and feel violated.

on the way out, leah smiles at me and tells me to have a nice day. i walk out the main entrance and the security guard tells me the same thing. i walk to my car and turn it on. roll down the windows. drive home.

forty-five minutes. that was it.

when i get home, i don't know how my vagina is feeling. so i do the only sensible thing.

i eat some licorice. i pee again. because my bladder is still silently refilling itself.

then i take a well deserved nap.

then i ponder how my dad can poke me on facebook when he's at summer camp with my mom. did he secretly take his laptop?

after all this time, has my summer camp had wifi?

this is serious. very serious. if i'd had wifi at summer camp, i could've started my blogging career far before my sophomore year of college.

anyway.

how does one end a blog post about a trans-vaginal ultrasound?

by leaving you a handy chart for if you ever get married and releasing bubbles doesn't cut it for you.




please. someone release the kraken at my wedding. please.