Monday, July 30, 2012

i blogged about my weekend.

i want to take this moment to say that i am an olympics nut. this is not my post about the olympics.

but i just want to say that i am in my basement, where we have the only TV that has channels, and i'm curled up with my laptop, my sorority blanket, and i'm not planning on moving. all i need is my stuffed simba.

THIS post is about my weekend. and how awesome it was. it was so awesome, it's going to come in parts.

are you ready? of course you're ready. you have to be ready.


this is the encompassing title. that's not a part. that's the title of the entire weekend. awesome.

we're not cute. we're frightening.
in case you forget what jacob and i look like, or you never knew to begin with, here's a cute picture of us. or something.

so i leave at four in the afternoon, because of course, jacob has to train for his iron man or whatever he's training for, and he's angsty because he has a stress fracture and he can't run, so he was swimming, and this is a really long sentence, but i left at four. my mother warns me about storms coming into the area. so i'm driving with the windows down and i'm excited to get to the michigan border because then i can listen to my indie station, and i'm looking at the sky, and i'm driving straight toward dark clouds.

then i'm driving straight toward black skies.

and then it starts raining, and my first thought is, hmm, i should roll up my windows, my guitar is in the back seat and i spent a good sixty bucks on that sucker.


it was exciting.

the next fun part of my drive was on 94 in michigan. 94 is your generic 2 lane highway. just like 69, which is most of my drive to alma. but there's just something about it that's so different from 69.

there is so much traffic on 94 it's ridiculous. cruise control? forget about it.

i'm already late because i took too long eating an apple before my drive, and about twenty miles from my exit to jacob's, traffic starts to slow down. i'm behind a semi and i'm thinking maybe i should get into the left lane if i can, but i decide to stick it out behind mr. semi. we're moving toward a traffic jam. we're averaging five miles an hour. i'm thinking about breaking my phone while driving ban and calling jacob while my car is stopped.

we're beyond kalamazoo. i'm not sure why there's this much traffic and why it's standing still.

of course. somebody got pulled over. it caused a five mile traffic jam. because somebody got pulled over.

the train wreck effect? "holy cow! that person got pulled over! i need to slow down to ten miles an hour and stare! never mind that i'm on a heavily trafficked highway where the speed limit is seventy!"


i'm trying to figure out why i missed the beijing opening ceremonies. i really am. i did nothing that summer. i went to LA in june and helped out hundreds of homeless people, but that was about it. so why did i miss the best opening ceremonies of all time?

jacob could care less about the olympics. i live for the olympics. best. summer. ever.

me: we have to watch the opening ceremonies.
jacob: but i rented pulp fiction.

before they start, jacob's news channel spends a lot of time talking about all of the michigan athletes. most of them are GVSU rowers. which is awesome. rowing is cool.

and then suddenly kenneth branaugh is there with a cigar and a top hat, looking like abraham lincoln, and i remember how AWESOME kenneth branaugh is and then it's opening ceremonies time and he's reciting shakespeare on a hill and it was awesome.

emily's personal highlights.

1. kenneth branaugh. obviously.
3. those industrial columns were pretty cool.
4. just kidding, harry potter, voldemort's back and he's 100 feet tall.
5. that kid. his shirt said "frankie says relax".
6. the queen. she's cool. and no, she didn't sky dive. c'mon guys, she's in her eighties.
7. the fireworks. they were awesome.
8. i just love the olympics.

during the parade of nations, jacob gets up and starts to put in pulp fiction.

me and jacob's mom: what are you doing.
jacob: if we're going to watch pulp fiction we have to watch it now.
me: but france is coming up in the parade. i like france.
jacob: but i rented it.
jacob's mom: put that DVD away, sit down, and watch the parade. NOW.

later, jacob and me: SENEGAL! ITALY! SPAIN! COUNTRIES!

apparently, we like all the same countries.


i kinda like england. a lot.


jacob and i went kayaking in the morning, which was fun. i associate kayaking with god, which isn't that weird if you think about it, because the first time i went kayaking was at church camp. we paddled around a small lake and we got out at a sand bar, and while jacob was sitting with his butt stuck in the sand, a fish bit his hip.

you should see that kid jump.

halfway back across the lake, i took a few minutes to meditate with god in my kayak, and lo behold, a teeny blue damsel fly landed on my finger. he smiled at me. we bonded for a good five minutes. he was really cute. god is good.

after kayaking, i cheered a lot for great britain in men's road cycling, and then jacob took me out to lunch at a coffee shop, where we ran into his good and awesome friend adam.

after having a nice lunch with adam, we decide to go to the antique shop next door.

i buy a lion shaped cookie cutter for a dollar.

think of all of the beautiful lion shaped cookies that i can make! it's lion shaped! my happiness was rather incredible.

after that, we went into an art building and looked at some fancy wood work, and then, like the hipsters we are, we sat by the river, played guitars, and sang folk music. that was pretty awesome.

then we went to the grocery store to pick up sour cream, and i wanted an adult beverage for jacob's bonfire. the michigan cashier had fun with my indiana driver's license. and adam bought me a delicious doughnut.


jacob decided that this weekend was a good weekend for a get together with friends. because we're RAs all the time, not just at school, if you were of age and wanted to bring an adult beverage, you could, which is why i bought that yummy wine cooler. at six, jacob's high school friends came over, we started a fire, and we had a bonfire. because that's what happens when you start fires, right? but we started a fire and had a bonfire.

until three in the morning.

we grilled hamburgers on the fire (except for jacob and me) and janaya and stephen, jacob's awesome friends that just got married last weekend, showed up with a very large jug of lemon vodka. janaya shared some of it with me.

it tasted like lemon rubbing alcohol. i'll stick with wine coolers.

stephen, jacob, alex, joe, and eric all smoked pipes, janaya got drunk and we became best friends, kelsey showed up around eleven, and we talked about all kinds of things.

and allegan, where jacob lives, has stars. fort wayne doesn't have stars. i spent a decent amount of time just looking up at the stars.

we ate yummy food. we laughed. we talked. oh, and i got to hold a gun.

when it comes to guns, i take the odd thomas/chuck bartowski approach.

odd thomas: "i'm spooked by guns."
chuck bartowski: "i get the idea of, uh, point and click? but see, i've, uh, well i've never actually, uh, i've never really fired a gun, or really, uh, held a gun, or killed anybody with a gun, and i just don't think this is a good idea-"

i've fired a gun. i've shot a rifle. at popcans in the desert. that was fun.

this was a hand held pistol.

jacob made sure about eighty times that it was unloaded before i touched it. i kept it pointed at the ground. i was still convinced that it was loaded.

i held a personal pistol in my hand for about a minute and i wanted to pee myself in terror.

rest assured, if i were to murder you, it would not be with a gun.


janaya and stephen and jacob and i went on a double date on sunday, after sleeping in from being up until three having the magical bonfire. we decided that we were going to go the antique fair, which i guess is a really big deal.

there were thousands of people. thousands of vendors. thousands of items. people from different states.

it was a really big deal.

after four hours of hardcore antiquing and pining over a couch and drinking a fabulous expensive lemonade, i came away with titanic (and the little mermaid) on VHS.

i just really enjoy VHS tapes. and more importantly, watching them.

the couch that i pined over was awesome, by the way. totally awesome. it was yellow, leather, circular, and came with yellow, leather, and circular chairs. but i'm poor. i don't have 750 bucks for two awesome chairs and an awesome couch.

i also pined over a schwinn bike from the fifties, too many paper weights, and a lot of really awesome rotary phones.

after four hours of antiquing with janaya, who's an absolute pro, we only saw half of the vendors. seriously. this antique fair was that. awesome.

and now i've come to the last part of my weekend. hold onto your pants.


the drive from allegan to fort wayne is a good two and a half hours. i was making it on 94 with my windows down and listening to the fantastic indie station. i stopped to pee outside of kalamazoo (that awesome lemonade caught up with me) and then i get back in my car and i'm ready to head to my grandparents' for popcorn and olympic swimming and gymnastics. my ears hurt, so i roll up in my windows.

i'm on the higway. i hear a buzzing sound.

i see something large dive bomb into my passenger wheel well.

i ignore it. it's something big and black, but i can't hear it anymore, and besides, the buzzing made it sound like it was dying.

twenty miles later. something flies across my line of vision and goes into my wheel well.

pretty sure it's a wasp of some kind. i have cruise control. if i don't move my legs, it should have no reason to sting me.

another ten miles. i ignore it.

then it decides that it wants to dive bomb my steering column. now it's somewhere around my steering wheel and my dashboard, and now i'm freaking out. i don't know where the damn thing is. i move to pass a semi. i flip my turn signal.

it's on my turn signal toggle.

it erupts into a loud amount of buzzing, it flies at my face, i scream and don't crash, and then it's sitting on my windshield, right by my rear view mirror.

this isn't a yellow jacket. this is a big nasty black wasp thing. i have my air conditioning on. i roll down both of my windows to give it incentive to leave.

it sits.

and when i say it sits on my windshield, it sat. for almost forty miles.

those were the longest forty miles of my life, let me tell you. i spent more time looking at the lethal bastard than i did looking at the highway.

we near indiana. to ease my nerves, i negotiate.

me: hey there, wasp. i know it's a long fly to indiana, so i'm willing to drive you there, if you promise not to sting me or make me crash my car. i feel like this is a good deal. when we reach indiana, please exit to the right, out of the passenger side window.
wasp: cool. i'm just going to sit here and scare the shit out of you.

we reach indiana. it doesn't move. i'm praying now. praying. because i don't want to get stung (i've never really been stung. i was once. in the netherlands. some form of dutch bee. it doesn't count.) and i certainly don't want to crash my car if it flies at me.

ten miles into indiana it starts crawling. toward me. and then it flies at me and out the window.

i scream. keep control of the car. breathe explosively. roll up the windows and continue to breathe explosively.

i adjust my position by leaning forward and cracking my back.

the bastard is still in the car. nudged up against my car door. IT HASN'T LEFT. IT IS STILL IN MY VEHICLE.

i scream again. keep control of the car. roll down the window.

after nearly seventy miles of wasp smuggling, it exits at angola.

it was pretty much... awful.


let's recap.

1. i went to michigan.
2. i went kayaking and bonded with a dragon fly.
3. i went antiquing and got a lion shaped cookie cutter and two VHS tapes.
4. the opening ceremonies were awesome. i recapped it in a list like this one.
5. i went to a coffee shop and played guitar by a river.
6. i had an eight hour bonfire that was awesome.
7. i held a gun and was scared out of my mind.
8. i illegally smuggled a wasp across state lines.

it was a pretty awesome weekend.

next post: how emily feels about the olympics. coming soon to a blog near you.

1 comment:

  1. that sounds like a pretty fantastic weekend, especially that janaya lady ;) <3