Wednesday, August 24, 2016

turn it off.

when i was in college, my family and i were driving back from my grandparents' lake house late at night after a fireworks display. we were in the car that my brother and i shared in high school and my father informed us, about halfway home, that we were five miles away from hitting the 100,000 mile mark.

for anybody else who pays attention to that kind of thing, this would've been an exciting moment. in 2006 my old minivan broke 100,000 miles and i was upset when my dad didn't inform me. (we were driving to new york and i was asleep.)

i remember my dad telling us about the 100,000 mile mark very vividly. we were on lincolnway, almost to columbia city, and it was going on midnight. i was sitting behind my dad, my mom was asleep in the front seat, and my brother was next to me listening to his ipod.

but i was not excited about the car's milestone. i was absolutely terrified.

you've probably seen something like this before.


i just swiped this off twitter, where i saw it about five minutes ago. hence the post. 

for all intents and purposes, worrying is a waste of time. worrying doesn't actually change anything. it does mess with your mind and steal your happiness. all of this is true.

but that doesn't mean that i don't cringe when i see posts like this on twitter, facebook, someone's perfect instagram, whatever. 

every time i see something like this, i cringe.

my anxiety is not a secret. i was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder when i was sixteen and it explained my entire childhood. in third grade my teacher told me to take an envelope to the secretary in the front office. i got halfway there before being absolutely frozen with fear. i paced up and down the hallway, holding the envelope in my increasingly sweaty hands before finally deciding that i couldn't go inside. i walked to the office, crouching so they couldn't see me through the windows, and left the envelope on the visitors' bench in the commons. 

that was in 2000. i have no idea what was in that envelope or if it ever made it to the secretary. 

i had always put that story out of mind, and i've never told anyone about it, not even my parents or my boyfriend. but when a psychiatrist in 2006 told me that i had GAD, that was the first thing that i thought of; a terrified ten year old too afraid to walk into the front office to deliver an envelope.

many other stories come to mind, most of them dealing with elementary school and middle school and situations that i could never explain and therefore never spoke of.

driving through the country at midnight with my father telling me that my car was about to reach 100,000 miles, my first thought was that as soon as the car reached that milestone, it was going to break down in the middle of nowhere. as soon as the odometer hit 100,000.00, the car was going to stop. there would be a clanking noise and it would cease to run.

i thought on this for ten seconds, and then my mind zoomed into overdrive. it wouldn't just stop working and we'd be stuck calling AAA. no, the car was going to crash. it was going to roll over and flip. the windows would break and we'd have to crawl out and there would be screaming and broken bones.

i thought on that for ten seconds and my mind kept going. it wasn't going to stop running or flip, it was going to fucking explode.

if you're thinking that this is irrational, you are absolutely right. but to me, these thoughts were completely rational.

i spent the next five miles in a state of sheer panic. i didn't want to alert anyone that i was so scared i almost shit myself, so i sat quietly, trying not to make too much noise as i hyperventilated, thinking about what the afterlife was going to be like when the car exploded and my family members and i died. hopefully instantly. 

we passed 100,000 miles. nothing happened. we made it home. i went to bed and woke up the next day. my life did not change.

the summer that my anxiety took a gigantic step backwards and dragged me with it (2013) i brought this up with my therapist. she instructed me to go get a small journal at the store and write down everything i was ever anxious about, including anxiety trains, like the car train. often one small worry will spark another until a gigantic spiral takes place, and she wanted me to document those.

i kept that up for literally half an hour. anything more than that was too overwhelming.

i don't have that journal anymore, but i remember writing the list of things i was anxious about for ten solid minutes. it was almost four pages long and i wasn't even doing anything. i was just sitting at home listening to regina spektor.

i've said this before, but i related to jenny lawson's memoir let's pretend this never happened when she talked about her experience with GAD and how irrational her worries were. she spoke of how she carried crackers in her pockets in case she was ever trapped in an elevator for an extended period of time or in case she was attacked by a flock of birds. the elevator scenario is a lot more likely, having been stuck in an elevator myself for a short period of time. (you don't need to know about THAT panic attack.) she dealt with her anxiety by preparing for irrational situations. 

last week i had an ingrown toenail removed. a normal person would call their podiatrist to have it removed. here's what i did.

1. i realised i had an ingrown toenail.
2. i thought about what would happen if my big toe died and had to be removed and what would replace it, since it's hard to balance without a big toe.
3. i thought about how quickly the rest of my foot would die if i didn't call my podiatrist (phone calls give me anxiety) and how long i could get away with it.
4. would i call in time to save my leg?
5. yes. i would. i would only need to have my foot amputated.
6. what kind of prosthetic would i get? do they have blades for just feet? 
7. what if something went wrong with the amputation? that happens on grey's anatomy ALL THE TIME. 
8. what kind of shoes could i wear with a prosthetic foot? i'd really prefer the blade. it would be better for when i weightlift with my mother.

THEN i called my podiatrist. he removed the ingrown nail. everything is fine.

WORRYING DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING. IT'S WORTHLESS. GET RID OF IT! STOP WORRYING AND BE HAPPIER! BE THE YOU YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!

i tried giving up worrying once. it involved me looking at a pair of window hangings and thinking about how easy it would be to hang myself with them. 

so i stuck with worrying.

the me that i am meant to be is an anxious woman who takes antidepressants and has irrational thoughts all the fucking time. i will always worry to the point where it sometimes becomes unbearable. i will always have irrational thoughts, but now that i'm on medication and have an anxiety toolbox, i can go through them, realise they're irrational, and then move on without completely losing my mind. i don't keep a worry journal anymore, but i am starting a mental health bullet journal to help me get through online graduate school this year. 

there's one thing that the worry post got wrong, and it's that worrying can change things. worrying changed my college major and kept me from getting my teaching license. worrying keeps me from going after opportunities and chasing my dreams. it changes my behaviour and sometimes makes me impossible to live with or be around. worrying makes me feel worthless sometimes, and seeing posts like the one pictured above makes me feel even more worthless, mostly because i can't just turn my worrying off. 

i've had my anxiety my entire life. i cannot stop worrying. that is not an option for me. and i get upset when people or posts tell me to stop worrying, to take away a piece of myself. "worrying is a waste of time" makes me feel like i personally am a waste of time. of course i'm not my anxiety, but my anxiety is a part of me that will never go away, and i'm still coming to terms with that. 

i'm coming to terms with a lot of things right now. mostly that the olympics are over.

it was a really good olympics. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

the list that wrapped up 2015.

2015 started out almost the same way that 2016 did. i was laying on my parents' couch in the basement with my boyfriend lying on top of me and lamenting that i had once again not completed my new year's resolution, which as always, was to blog more.

OOPS. SORRY. LIKE, I'M REALLY BAD AT THIS.

i can come up with a lot of excuses as to why i didn't blog more, the most obvious one being that i now have three jobs, but i'll spare you.

this year i'm not resolving to blog more, but i will try to anyway. instead, i will have three simple goals.

goal number one: drink more water.

goal number two: wear more lipstick.

goal number three: frighten more men.

i normally think about this post all of december. it kind of falls into the whole meme that's like "it's december and you just realised you wasted your whole entire year and now you feel like a gigantic piece of shit!"

i didn't necessarily think that i wasted my entire 2015, but it definitely wasn't like, the best year of my life or anything. that year is still 2013. (2013 also holds the title of worst year of my life, so 2013 was pretty bomb.) i didn't waste 2015, but it definitely wasn't great. i didn't have any grand adventures, meet a bunch of new interesting people, or have any momentous life changing events, at least not that i can think of. i mostly just went to work, paid my bills, and went to the bank.

as my father put it in our family christmas card, 2015 was the year that i became "suspiciously adult".

adulthood, as told by most people in their mid-twenties, kind of looks like this.

"i paid my rent and cried a little bit. i kept up to date on my electric bill. i remembered to wish someone happy birthday on facebook. i had wine with dinner (again). and another one of my friends got engaged and i pretended to be happy but really i'm just a bitter old lady about the whole thing and honestly i'm just real salty."

2015, my 24th year on this earth, has been my first real year as a true adult, and here is what happened.

THE LIST THAT WRAPPED UP 2015

1. probably the most momentous thing that happened to me was that i moved out of my parents' house and into my first apartment with my best friend, hannah.



it's been pretty sweet.

2. i knit an entire blanket and it only took me like, five months.

3. after my coaching stint at my old high school was finished, i got a job teaching swim lessons to the public, and let me tell you, it was the best form of birth control i have ever experienced.

4. i put a bunch of three year olds in bumblebee costumes for my work's spring cocert and it was the cutest thing i've ever done. and nobody peed on me.

5. i decided to grow out my hair. so here i am, with long hair.


6. i became pretty goddamn obsessed with daredevil and drove everyone i loved in my life away by talking about it too much.

7. i got to see the dayton contemporary dance company perform in fort wayne and it was AMAZING.

8. i also met one of their principle dancers and he was pretty swell.

9. one of my poems was published in a fort wayne art magazine, so that was pretty cool.

10. while i was being all millenial and eating outside downtown and taking pictures of my feet, i met a REALLY CUTE HUSKIE PUPPY.

11. i went garage saling and came away with a really nice antique table and a fabulous framed world map.

12. i rode my bike 55 miles through ohio (with a small mcdonalds break).

13. i took a linguistics class at IPFW over the summer and i learned a LOT about the english language and probably too much about how humans make noises.

14. i turned 24, which is my favourite number, so i was pretty excited about that.


24th birthday cake ft. my mom's cool apron.

15. my brother got engaged and although i didn't witness it, i cried like a bitch when my future-sister-in-law, gracie, came home with a rock on her finger asking me to be a bridesmaid.

16. when we went wedding dress shopping, i found my own wedding dress rather unexpectedly. and i cried like a bitch then too.

17. as a true adult, i painted a canvas white with the word FUCK in black over it and hung it above my toilet.

18. i bought a bunch of adult stuff. like a microwave and a vacuum and a new bookshelf and my own car insurance and renter's insurance.

19. i spent four thousand dollars and five months FINALLY fixing the bulging discs in my lower back.

20. i accidentally got swept up in a pro-life march downtown, which was like, awkward and weird because i'm pro-choice.

21. i got a three hundred dollar standing mixer for christmas and i was so excited i cried.

22. i met ben carson. it was as terrifying as you would expect.

23. my part-time job became (almost) full-time, equipped with a two dollar an hour more pay raise. that was pretty nice.

24. i became a USA swimming certified swim coach, hell yeah.

25. i went to my first hockey game!


hannah and i were pretty pumped about it.

26. my cousin had a baby and she's SO EFFIN' CUTE LIKE WOW.


27. before wendy came into my life, i went to my first baby shower and it wasn't as weird as i anticipated it to be.

28. i went to a truck pull. A TRUCK PULL.

29. i went to a SUPER cute wedding and took my mom as my date.

30. i had a dance party alone in my room. like, me throwing my arms around wildly wearing nothing but underwear and a bra type of dance party.

31. a week later, i was sitting in an orthopaedic surgeon's office with intense knee pain resulting from said dance party. this then resulted in physical therapy, a pretty hefty drug pack, and an MRI.

33. four months after that, i had knee surgery.


i think the moral of this story is: dance responsibly.

34. my mom and i flew out to california for my cousin's wedding!



35. while in LA, we hiked to a waterfall when it was 102 degrees outside.


look how cute we are.

36. we went to see the labreah tar pits, which was pretty bomb.

37. i met this guy. i named him horace.


38. after spending another grand time being stranded on the side of the highway, i said goodbye to my 17 year old minivan that had taken me to over 33 states and on countless adventures. rest easy, crimson avenger.

39. i then said hello to my (almost) brand new 2013 ford c-max hybrid.


she's a beauty. her name is alice.

40. i spent a wonderful labour day weekend helping adam move into alma for his last year of school. we went to a lake with a bunch of friends and hijacked a plane playing grand theft auto.

41. i sang in my first homecoming concert as a choir alum. (last year i got sick and couldn't sing, which was unfortunate.)

42. i spent a great homecoming seeing old alma friends at where else but bravehearts pub? and yes, i got drunk.

43. i celebrated two years with adam, my better half. he continues to make me a better person every single day.


44. i finally met all of adam's crazy family, and they are absolutely wonderful and amazing.

45. i discovered hamilton and became irrevocably obsessed with it. ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED. EVERYONE I LOVE HATES ME BECAUSE I WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT.


46. i, in fact, became so obsessed that i bought a $300 ticket and i am seeing it in june 2016. YAAAAAS. i almost cried when i got my pre-ordered cast recording in the mail.



47. i rediscovered one of my very first novels that i wrote when i was fifteen and i decided to rewrite it. it's slow going, but i'm proud.

48. i decided not to go to graduate school. which was a big and important life decision.

49. as a bisexual woman, i watched the supreme court pass a federal law making gay marriage legal and i couldn't have been more humbled and proud.

50. i lived.

a lot of people have been saying that 2015 sucked. and personally, for me, it was boring. i worked three jobs and paid a lot of bills and didn't have a lot of time to travel and see my friends. and politically, except for the gay marriage ruling, 2015 has sucked. with the rise of donald trump, the syrian refugee crisis, the paris and beirut attacks, the never ending racial tensions in our country and so many other things, it's been a dark year. i was not a happy american this year. i was disgusted many times by the senseless violence against women and muslims, the lack of indictments in the murders of countless innocent black lives, the attacks on planned parenthood, and the fascist rhetoric of the GOP. it made 2015 seem like a bad year for america and a bad year for the world.

but despite that, how can a year that produced federal gay marriage, the first black woman winning an emmy as a lead role in a drama, and hamilton, be so bad? there were many firsts, and for that i am grateful.

last night, when i went to bed at one am thinking about this post, all i could think about is how grateful i am to live the rather mundane life i lead. i might not be traveling extensively, seeing live shows, and getting engaged like the rest of my friends, but i make enough money to support myself working jobs i love, i live with my best friend in a nice apartment, i have a boyfriend who loves me even when i talk about hamilton too much, i have a loving family only two miles away, a grumpy lizard who lights up my life, and a nice car that gets me where i need to go.

hashtag blessed.

2015 has been a roller coaster, and i have every reason to believe that 2016 will be too. but even if everything goes to hell and everything gets turned upside down, at least i get to see hamilton in new york city in june.


WORK.