Tuesday, September 29, 2015

mental health bingo.

as someone who is mentally ill TRADEMARK, i have come to notice a few routine things when you go through america's healthcare system.

i've thought about this before, the day to day shuffling of getting medications and x-rays and labs and routine stuff. but it wasn't until today that i decided that this was probably worth writing about.

so without further ado, here are a few things that i encounter when i go to the doctor as someone with anxiety, depression, trichotillomania, and conversion disorder.

1. every single appointment makes you fill out some paperwork (as usual), and you find yourself going directly to the part of the paperwork that asks you about your mental health.

i don't smoke, i don't have diabetes or digestive problems (unless you count my conversion disorder making me throw up), i don't have heart problems or cancer, just asthma and anemia. so it's really easy to skip over all that stuff and go straight to the brain. and then it's like playing the mental illness bingo.


will this paperwork have anxiety? oh, this one only has depression. how much can i fit into the "other" line? should i even mention conversion disorder? no, i shouldn't mention it, they'll ask weird questions and send me to another doctor.

once i went to redimed with a fractured elbow and for the first time in my life, when i filled out the paperwork, there was not anything asking me about my mental health.

i was very confused, slightly relieved, and very annoyed. i didn't know what to do or what to think. i was relieved because honestly it's not very fun going through and checking off everything that's chemically wrong with your brain, knowing that someone is going to look at it and preemptively judge you for it. but at the same time, it's an important part of my medical history and who i am as a person. it's very important information that my doctor needs to know and it's something that we need to talk about, even during a routine "hey i hurt my elbow, can you give me an x-ray?" appointment.

2. someone asks, "what the fuck is trichotillomania?"

okay, most healthcare professionals don't say fuck. but i can count on two hands the number of healthcare professionals have looked up at me, confused, and said, "but what's trichotillomania?"

find out about trichotillomania here.

read about my struggle with trichotillomania here.

normally the conversation goes like this:

me: it's a hair pulling disorder.
nurse: oh okay. time to take your blood pressure.

except one time it was like

me: it's a hair pulling disorder.
doctor: oh. what caused it?
me: ummm
doctor: well something caused it.
me: it's like my anxiety. i've just kind of always had it.
doctor: well what caused your anxiety? normal children don't have anxiety.
me: THE CHEMICALS BEING IMBALANCED IN MY BRAIN?

i didn't see that doctor again.

3. the usual mundane and slightly shameful conversation about your antidepressants.

doctor: i see here that you take zoloft?
me: that's right. 25 mg at night.
doctor: and what's that for?
me: anxiety and depression.

every. single. time.

this is an important conversation to have. every time that i go to a doctor, we have this conversation and i fully expect it. it's a necessary conversation so that i get the best care that i can get. what's NOT fun about this normal conversation is the shame that i used to (and sometimes still do) feel about taking zoloft. this comes from a stigma surrounding antidepressants, one that i used to have when i blatantly refused to take any when i was sixteen because i didn't understand what they did. i am not ashamed to take an antidepressant, but sometimes that feeling is overwhelming. then i feel shameful that i feel shame for taking an antidepressant. it's confusing sometimes and rather unpleasant. but most of the time, it's a prompt and necessary conversation that's vital to my health and wellbeing. 

4. and the old favourite questions that come with your antidepressants:

"how are you doing on your antidepressant?"
"any changes in mood?"
"any suicidal thoughts?"

a lot of people make fun of the fact that antidepressants can cause suicidal thoughts. i used to be one of those people until i got on antidepressants.

antidepressants do not cause suicidal thoughts. some people that go on antidepressants already have suicidal thoughts and being on an antidepressant gives them the means to act out their suicide plan. people with major depression have difficulty getting out of bed, feeding themselves, cleaning, and just generally having energy. killing yourself takes energy. but when you go on antidepressants, you now have the energy to decide to go through with your plan.

antidepressants that don't mesh well with you can change your mood though, like my old lexapro did. the mood change slowly caused suicidal thoughts.  the two months i was on that drug were probably the worst two months of my life. i found myself fantasizing about driving into oncoming traffic and strangling myself with my dorm hangings.

5. getting refills is always awkward.

me: do i need to convince this doctor that i need an antidepressant?
me: what if they decide to change my dosage?!
me: if i can't get it, do i have enough to wean myself off of it properly?

i have to do this (although it normally doesn't take much convincing, if any at all) because i get my zoloft refilled at a health clinic through my parents' insurance that makes it free for teachers and their families. the initial prescription came from a psychiatrist, but rather than see her over and over each time i run out, i can see a general doctor to get it refilled quickly. i really only worry about needing to "convince" this general doctor that i need the new prescription because of my anxiety disorder, which is, of course, why i'm taking zoloft in the first place.

i once had a doctor (IN A NEUROLOGIST'S OFFICE NO LESS) tell me that i was taking such a small dosage of lexapro that i didn't need to wean myself off of it, that i could just quit it cold turkey.

HAHAHAHA NO. quitting an antidepressant cold turkey feels kind of like this:


like honestly, i spent five hours in my bed staring at my wall and someone had to force feed me because i didn't have enough energy to feed myself. 

6. wondering if doctors will take you seriously.

it wasn't until college that i realised that there was a lot of discrimination that happens to people with mental illnesses in hospitals and doctors' offices. one that particularly stuck with me was about a woman with bipolar disorder who went to the ER for unbearable pain. they gave her morphine but the pain didn't go away. she was in so much pain that she couldn't sleep and she spent the whole night screaming and crying. she realised later that her doctor gave her saline instead of morphine because she was bipolar and he didn't trust her when she told him how much pain she was in.

this has not happened to me, thank goodness. but i have seen the corners of mouths turn down, seen doctors glance at each other when looking at my medication chart, and once had a doctor ask me if i would be more comfortable staying on the psychiatric floor rather than the floor that i was on when i was hospitalised in college. 

98% of the time, doctors are doing their jobs. they take you seriously. we've come a long way when it comes to medication stigma and most of the time i don't have to worry about being taken seriously. but occasionally, like the bipolar woman i just mentioned, we are not taken seriously and it can become a problem.

7. doctors trying to keep it casual.

this is an actual conversation that i had about an hour ago refilling my zoloft.

doctor: that is SUCH a cute necklace.
me: thank you! i got it at target.
doctor: no kidding? is it still there?
me: yes, i was actually at target getting eyeliner before i came here and it's still there. they have it in gold, too.
doctor: any suicidal thoughts?
me: nope.
doctor: gold, you said? i think i like yours in silver better. target is my daughter's favourite store. 

bless doctors like that. bless doctors doing their job and not making it awkward when it doesn't have to be.

8. always having to ask "will this medication clash with my antidepressant?" 

when i was getting my back treatment last spring, i was on a bunch of hippie herbal supplements. i took them home in a big clunky bag and spent half an hour reading every single label, trying to make sure that they wouldn't offset my zoloft. sure enough, one of them did and i had to take it back and explain why i couldn't take it. 

nurse: but why can't you take it?
me: it says not to take it with antidepressants.
nurse: why?
me: i don't know, i didn't make this hippie concoction that you want me to take three times a day.
nurse: you should take it for your back treatment.
me: i would rather have back pain and be able to talk to store employees than not have back pain and be too exhausted to get out of bed regularly, thanks. 

when in doubt, most general doctors don't understand the finer workings of antidepressants, what they should and shouldn't mix with, and your routine medication schedule. so you explain why you need it, what it does for you, and leave it at that. the people are who are going to understand and know the finer workings of your medications are psychiatrists and psychologists, but going to them can be expensive and time consuming, and doesn't generally fall into a routine, at least not for me. 

being mentally ill TRADEMARK is like constantly being followed by a cloud that only you can see. you go about your day as normal. buy your groceries. pay your bills. brush your teeth. cook yourself dinner. these are things you can do if you have your mental illness under control, like i do. sometimes i cannot do these things. most of the time i can, but sometimes i can't. 

even when i can do these things and i am 100% normal and balanced and my zoloft is doing its job and i'm using my cognitive behavioural therapy toolbox to approach social situations, that cloud is still there. it's always hovering above me, reminding me constantly that my daily functions depend on something that i learned from a therapist and from a small blue pill that sometimes gives me heartburn. it's always there reminding me that i am mentally ill.

and i remind myself that this isn't my fault. that this is who i am. that all this is, really, is a chemical imbalance in my brain and that i am working to get better, just like i did when i did physical therapy to get rid of my back pain. i take my zoloft to keep my seratonin and dopamine where they're supposed to be in my brain.

i am mentally ill TRADEMARK, i take a little blue pill to help me function.

but i'm still funny, clumsy, forgetful, loud, and always always always a mental health advocate. 


(this post was edited on 9/30/15 at 8:44 am for clarity, as my good friend marie brought up some really awesome points about primary doctors and mental health care. you go, marie!)

Thursday, September 17, 2015

the great debate.

buckle up kids, it's time for...

POLITICS WITH EMILY.

this is gonna be great, because here are my two political qualifications:

1. i once sat in a pub in england and raged about the government with a bunch of peers while slightly drunk
2. i took a political science class in college once

what this post is is really an excuse for me to blog about last night's GOP debate. NOT like it hasn't been all over your twitter and facebook feeds all day or anything. (in fact, i read a lovely new york times article about it online this morning that i don't think i can top in terms of absolute disdain.)

i missed the first debate because it was on fox news. i was at my parents' house (THAT'S RIGHT, I MOVED OUT SINCE MY LAST POST) and my dad was like, "you know i'd probs pay to watch it" and i was like, "i would but i can't afford that shit" and he was like "ahhhh to be young and broke."

my TV solely exists to hook up my computer to netflix and to use my DVD player, so when i got home from work last night and i saw that people were tweeting about the debate, i went to cnn.com and live streamed it.

and of course, i live tweeted it. i haven't lost any followers yet, which is quite surprising. (@emily_hollers. hit me up.)

in terms of political affiliations, i'm so far left that i'm exiting being pursued by a bear.


shakespeare understood my liberalism.

so this leads me to a question you probably have: why would an angry feminist liberal that supports bernie sanders watch the GOP debate?

free entertainment.



i've long since lost my amusement for donald trump. i missed the first part of the debate where he just stood around and yelled insults at the other candidates, and that was probably good, because i would've gotten angry a lot faster than i did. (i got angry when huckabee started talking about kim davis.)

you see, donald trump was funny. but then suddenly he has a lot of supporters. these supporters don't think he's funny. they think he has the right idea.

that is not funny.

sorry if you're a trump supporter. like, i'm sorry for probably insulting you, and i'm sorry that you're actually a trump supporter.

trump is bigoted, racist, misogynistic, disgusting, and has absolutely no experience. when talking about foreign policy, he had absolutely nothing to contribute. i don't know much about foreign policy, but i'm pretty sure that you should know the president of iran's name while we're in the middle of making nuclear negotiations with them. and that's just the part about him where he doesn't know shit about negotiating with other countries, not the other parts where he hates women and anyone who's not white.

an america with trump as its leader is an absolute laughingstock to other nations, and an absolute nightmare for us. as jeb bush helpfully pointed out, deporting 11 million people that, contrary to popular belief, are critical to our country's economy and culture (whether they are illegal or not) would cost billions of dollars that we don't have and completely rip this country apart. (rubio had a lot to say about immigration reform and it was actually great.)

i never thought i'd see the day when i would agree with jeb bush, but i agreed with him twice. first on that point, and second when he said that cancelling a dinner with china's president wouldn't actually change anything on a global scale, because after all, it's a dinner.

in my humble opinion, carly fiorina stole the show. every time it was her turn to speak she sounded like she knew exactly what she was talking about (most of the time she didn't but it sounded good) and she didn't let trump get under her skin. she completely shut down his misogynistic remark about her looks in a rare GOP feminist moment and i whooped.

i was also like, really confused about carly fiorina, because everything that came out of her mouth i did not agree with whatsoever and it was completely inaccurate according to factcheck.com, (except the trump remark) but the way that she said those things and looked into the camera was like, YAAAAS GURRRRRL.

her speech about foreign policy was amazing. was it accurate at all? nah. was it a good policy? absolutely not. did she deliver it well? ABSOLUTELY.

i summed up fiorina's foreign policy argument about putin in one succinct tweet: "don't talk to putin, just send a bunch of troops to the balkans, it'll be fine."

her speech was full of "they didn't do this. i will. they didn't do that. i will."

i don't know if these people understand how the presidency works. they're always complaining about how obama never gets anything done, but he doesn't get shit done because house and congress republicans won't let him. ted cruz (with his smug face that makes me want to drown kittens) stood there and was like "YO IF YOU ELECT ME, MY FIRST DAY AS PRESIDENT I WILL PERSONALLY SHRED THE IRAN NEGOTIATIONS WITH MY OWN BARE, WHITE, MALE HANDS"

like, dude? you have three branches of government to go through? and like, congress and the house and whatever? and lots of people and vetoes and stuff? like, i don't know much about politics but i'm pretty sure you can't just walk in your first day in the white house and rip up a bill.

thank goodness some of the GOP candidates agreed with me. like kasich, who i tried so hard to like.

when it comes to the GOP candidates, kasich is the most moderate and he's relatively close to home, governing a state just twenty miles from my apartment. we actually agree on a few key issues (THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME WITH REPUBLICANS) and he's very levelheaded. he said straight up that shutting down the government to defund planned parenthood would just rip the republican party to shreds. i was rooting for him so hard until he was like "i think we can agree that most of the american population doesn't like planned parenthood."

BACK THE EFF UP, KASICH, PLANNED PARENTHOOD IS MORE POPULAR IN THE POLLS THAN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AS A WHOLE.

now i got to sit back and listen to a bunch of white men discuss my own healthcare. wow, i sure wish that white men could ALWAYS make decisions about my uterus.

first off, that video that fiorina was practically crying  about and calling clinton a murderer over... well... that's not actually a thing. it's doctored. we can agree on this. and it's certainly not from planned parenthood.

the GOP candidates, at least the ones that voiced their opinions, latched onto this video and decided right then and there that planned parenthood was all about abortions and harvesting foetal organs.

it's not. here's what planned parenthood actually is:



notice that three percent of that is abortions. and i know that these people aren't into contraception, but you know, contraception reduces abortions phenomenally. still waiting for hardcore republicans to figure that one out. planned parenthood is a VITAL organisation for millions of women nationwide.

ted cruz: i am a proud supporter of life.
me: not the lives of millions of women who need life saving services, tho

then the conversation switched to kim davis.

me: YAAAS LET'S SEE WHAT THIS BISEXUAL FEMINIST THINKS ABOUT THIS DISCUSSION.

here's how that went down:

jeb bush: being gay is like, not natural, i think?
mike huckabee: blah blah something something ACCOMMODATIONS blah blah THEY CAN'T REDEFINE MARRIAGE ON A WHIM blah blah something whatever  I'VE BEEN TO GITMO blah blah blah ATTACK ON CHRISTIANITY
me: puhhhh-lease.
me: wait, what the fuck did you just say?
me: well if you don't want to redefine marriage, my current dowry is 14 cows, 8 chickens, and 4 sheep.
me: the marriage decision didn't come out of nowhere and nobody is attacking christianity, people just wanna get married.
me: YOU DID NOT TAKE NINTH GRADE CIVICS, ASSHAT
me: i still have no idea what the fuck you said about guantanamo bay, tho


in case you think i'm kidding about my dowry. (i was also watching pirates of the caribbean during this conversation. obviously.)

after that, to calm myself down, i had a really good time looking at the gigantic airplane in the background. like, what on earth was that? why was it there? was it is real? if it was, how did they get it to fit in there? symbolically, what did it mean? was it waiting for them to climb aboard and fly off with the candidates to shoot them into the sun?

it was around this time that the camera panned to ben carson, WHO I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HAD BEEN THERE THE ENTIRE TIME.

poor ben. i don't know that much about him, mostly that i don't agree with his views on social issues and that he was at alma and i saw him in the dining hall. i'm sure he's an excellent doctor, but apparently not excellent enough to completely shut down trump rampaging about vaccines causing autism. that's an entirely different post in and of itself and i'll spare you my thoughts on that.

because i work early in the morning, i had to go bed before the putting women on money fiasco, in which all of the white men and the extremely privileged white woman who doesn't think she needs feminism failed to name historic women, but i recapped that whole segment this morning.

a few said rosa parks, which is an excellent choice. but ted cruz has no idea what he's talking about when he said that she remedied racial tensions. has he not been paying attention to the #blacklivesmatter movement?

probably not, because he's an #alllivesmatter person. ugh. (honestly, he can't even be an #alllivesmatter person if he defunds planned parenthood. he can be an #allfoetusesmatter person.)

(also, rosa parks was on the planned parenthood board. i can't wait until cruz finds out.)

people saying relatives to put on the bill is like, a cool gesture? but it's also really stupid. i'm sure that mike huckabee's wife is a hell of a woman to be married to him for forty-one years (i can't even IMAGINE) but like... think of historic women. you know, women who helped the country. i'm honestly frightened that these men cannot think of a historic woman. it's very reminiscent of romney's "binders full of women" line on the 2012 campaign trail.

fiorina's stance was the weirdest twist on feminism that i've ever heard, something along the lines of "it's just a gesture and women are a majority of the population". only one of these is true, and that's the latter. women are a majority of the population but we are treated as a minority and definitely lesser in society than white men (but not men and women of colour, as intersectionality will note) and it would be nice to have something for us. and it's not just a gesture. it seems like a gesture, but representation is a gigantic deal and has a huge impact.

the other day i was looking at a periodic table of american authors and it was very white and male. as a woman who has wanted to be an author since the age of five, the lack of women on that poster was highly discouraging, just as science and presidential posters depicting all men help girls decide that they don't want to go into science and politics.

there's a lot more that i can touch on, like jeb bush saying that w. kept the country safe while 9/11 happened on his watch, trump saying disgusting things about america being an english speaking country, chris christie blaming the economy on obama (which we know was bush's fault because it tanked before obama was even president, learn how to read a calendar) and calling fiorina and trump out on their little kid bickering, and jeb bush apologising to his mother for smoking weed. but this post is already getting really long, so i'll cut it off here.

i'll leave you with a picture of an angry old man, who's probably a republican.