Sunday, August 12, 2012

the magic of drugs!

i feel like this post is going to be angsty.

you know, full of angst.

i'm going to really try to make sure it's not angsty. but the situation is angsty. you know, full of angst.

my mother: is that a word?
my mother:
my mother:
me: it is now.
my mother: what does it mean?
me: you know. full of angst. did you know that vomitous isn't a word?
my father: that's FASCINATING!

i feel like most people would enjoy eating dinner with my family.

but THIS post is about drugs.

no. not about weed. or cocaine. or crystal meth. those things are bad.

prescription my-doctor-gave-me-this-piece-of-paper-and-i-took-it-to-walgreens-and-it-cost-a-bunch-of-money drugs.

speaking of walgreens, when i had my eighteen day sinus infection of terror, i went to urgent care, and they gave me awkward ear drops for my awkward ear fungus, and i went to walgreens.

and suddenly they're like, oh, we don't work with your insurance anymore, sorry. and i was standing there like, wuuuut.

and i call my dad and he's all like, oh, sorry, forgot to tell you.

no more walgreens for me!

i am so off topic.

so last week i had a follow up appointment with my doctor about all of those blood tests and my ultrasounds and stuff. some things have been confirmed and denied.

1. i have all of my woman parts. wooooooo i can make babies!
2. i have anemia! go me!
3. i have an awkward and interesting spinal nerve disorder/disease/thing.
4. i should probably see a spinal surgeon about that. but at this point, i am too terrified.
5. my doctor can get me antidepressants for free.

this is good. free is good. because my therapist wants me to take them. and going through someone else (not walgreens!) would cost a bunch of money.

so thursday i walked out of my doctor's office with ninety day's worth of free zoloft.

my therapist: i really think that zoloft can help you. i think you should try it.
my doctor: zoloft. now zoloft is a great drug, and i think it's the absolute perfect drug for you. it's going to make such a difference in your life. i just love zoloft.
me: um. sweet.

zoloft is, in fact, an antidepressant.

i am not a depressed person.

in fact, many people question how i can be so unreasonably happy. all the freakin' time.

but i'm taking zoloft for anxiety and my other interesting and rare mental disorder. for full details, see the previous post "i support my brain" and click on the button at the bottom that says HERE.

so. i take my first dose of zoloft at dinner on thursday night. my mom and i walk to walgreens. for cards, not for drugs, since our insurance is silly. we come back, i play the piano.

we go downstairs. i settle down. curl up in my blankets. watch the olympics with my parents. tweet. ice my back.

general olympics activity.

and then my stomach isn't feeling so great. no, it's not feeling great at all, no, it's really not OH SHIT--

and i'm puking. during the olympics. 

so insensitive, zoloft. so insensitive.

i have two more near misses in which i sit on the bathroom floor in my blanket and wait. i'm upset. i want to be watching the olympics, not sacrificing my dinner for the porcelain god. plus, i'm terrified of vomiting. honestly. it's one of my biggest fears. i would rather kill a giant spider than vomit.

i. hate. hurling.

so the next morning my dad wakes me up at nine and he's like, how are you feeling, and i'm like, oh yes, i feel great! and i go back to bed until my alarm goes off at ten. i get up, get in the shower.

i can't figure out how the shampoo works. i'm staring it and i'm like, well this is an interesting contraption. how does one work this?

my head feels empty. fuzzy. my arms don't feel quite attached to my shoulders and i'm watching myself go through the motions of showering, but i don't feel like i'm actually doing it. i'm genuinely surprised when i squirt conditioner onto my hand, like, how did this dollop of orange cream get onto my palm?

pouring my milk felt like taking the ACT. so i sit down at the kitchen table and two things are going through my mind.

2. i can't drive. driving is bad. if i drive i'll die. i need to call my dad.
3. miniwheats. i'm eating miniwheats. why. i'm going to vomit.

that was three things. i call my dad.

high school secretary: northrop high school.
me: yes, i need to speak to bill hollenberg.
secretary: i don't think he's in. it's still summer.
me: he's there. connect me to his room, please, it's important.
my father: hello?

friday was a big day for me, followed by a big weekend. i was going to drive to michigan to see my boyfriend. on saturday, we were going to hang out with janaya and stephen in battle creek. and sunday, today, we were going to go to lake michigan with jacob's family. i was going to come home on monday.

i call jacob. tell him i can't drive. i'll see how i feel on saturday.

the rest of the day i'm plagued by intense dry mouth. dry mouth, my friends, is pure evil. evil, i tell you. evil!

i take the zoloft at dinner friday night. curl up and watch the olympics.

my mother: how are you feeling?
me: ughhhhhh.
announcer: TOM DALEY!
me: me gusta.

but alas! no vomiting! simply olympics watching and the occasional groan. and much tom daley appreciation before i fell asleep.

friday's evil dry mouth is replaced by nausea. and that terrible disconnectedness. again.

so, i've never really been under the influence of a drug that makes me feel "nauseous". honestly. every drug that i've had that has that side effect hasn't given me anything. so i've never really known what "nausea" constituted.

i realized it constituted sitting on tumblr and about every five minutes feeling like you're going to vomit, realizing that you're just nauseated and not going to vomit, and sitting there and taking it like a champ.

i'm gonna puke! no. wait. no. it's gone. phew. I'M GONNA PUKE! no. wait. no. it's gone. phew. REBLOG THE AVENGERS. i think i might actually puke this time. nope, never mind. look, tom hiddleston!

i called jacob. cancelled our big weekend in michigan. if i'm going to sit around and feel pukey, i'm going to do it at home and not sit around jacob's house and ruin our plans.

plus, i shouldn't be anywhere near a car.

my mother decided that getting some fresh air would be good for me. so we walked to the library with my brother, who, by the way, is home for the summer.

"welcome home, your sister is dying of zoloft side effects and can't walk down the stairs without her legs shaking uncontrollably. but we have bacon!"

walking to the library was blessed. it was lovely. i looked for more john green books, and there were none to be had. i checked out the movies, none were interesting.

i then sat in a chair and promptly felt like i was going to spew everything i'd ever eaten in my life all over the library floor.

when we got home, i curled up in bed and watched the lion king on VHS. twice.

my dad devised a plan.

i was going to take my zoloft right before bed. that way, i'd sleep through the terrible onset nausea.

my fear that is bigger than vomiting: waking up in the middle of the night and vomiting. nuh uh. i don't deal with that.

this was my angsty zoloft post on tumblr:

dear zoloft,
you have kept me from going on a fun-filled weekend trip to michigan with my boyfriend.
you make made me vomit. during the olympics, of all times.
you have taken away my ability to drive.
you have made my legs shake uncontrollably when i walk down the stairs.
you have taken away my appetite.
and i've only taken two of your pills.

needless to say, i didn't want to take that third pill.

but the appetite thing. totally true. i was planning on losing five pounds this summer, and that didn't quite work out. but with the way things are going right now, i could accomplish this in the next three days.

veggie burger: 1 emily: 0.
milk: 1 emily: 0.
lucky charms: 1 emily: 0

have you bitten into something and just said LOL NOPE in your brain?

that veggie burger. one bite of that and i wanted to crawl into my bed and die.

my dad: are you going to finish that?
me: no. i'm so nauseated.
my grandma: of course you are. it's a veggie burger.

i can never live down being a vegetarian in a family full of omnivores. ever.

for the record, i did not wake up and vomit. this is good. because i did enough of that when i was little. the carpet licorice/vomit stain of 2000 was a pretty hefty stain.

i came downstairs for breakfast this morning and for the first time in three days, did not feel disconnected. in fact, i felt well enough to safely get behind the wheel of a car.

then i opened the pantry and my nausea was like, oh hey, emily, how's it hangin'? i see you want some breakfast. let me make these lucky charms the most unappetitizing things you have ever seen in your entire life.

it could've been worse. yesterday i gagged on a pancake.

eventually, zoloft is going to do what it's supposed to do, which is to help me control my anxiety and other things. and i'm going to stop vomiting and being disconnected. and i'll be able to drive and walk down the stairs like the spry twenty-one year old girl that i am. 

but until then, i'm sitting in my arm chair, reminding myself that it's very unlikely that i'll actually vomit even though i feel like i'm going to, and watching disney movies on VHS.

at least my brother is home. as long as i can't drive, he'll have to take me anywhere i want to go. which is mostly the chiropractor.

but this is the biggest injustice of the entire weekend:

today, sunday, after a nice good lunch in which i did not lose my appetite, i decided that i felt decent enough to leave the house.

my brother: NERDGASM TIME
spiderman showtimes: ha. no.

so now i'm actually feeling decent and i can't go see spiderman because of inconvenient show times that  coincide with dinner with my grandmother. 

spiderman shows. the indecency. you dare to keep me away from the greatest movie of the summer for the fourth time? YOU DARE?

it dared. i'm going to continue my disney movie marathon.

and give you this picture of tom daley. with a nice union flag on that scrumptious butt of his.

i believe the correct caption for this is
"dat ass."

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