Thursday, September 27, 2012

the big bad story of how emily was hospitalized for like, a bunch of disjointed days.

hold onto your pants, this is about to be the longest blog post EVER.

why? because it just keeps going, that's why.

i have also decided that it will have a cartoon picture of captain america for no reason somewhere in the middle. just because i can do that.

so. first order of business.

emily, our intrepid blogger, is blogging from the hospital.

why, you ask?

well. because i'm hospitalized. and that's what this post is about. me being in the hospital like a boss.

so, without further ado, this is my adventure in gratiot county medical where the food is worse than alma's cafeteria and people poke me with needles at odd hours of the morning.


saturday evening jacob (the boyfriend not the best friend) and i were taking a nap on his bed in the basement. and i was like, dude, jacob, it's cold, get me a blanket please, and he's like, oh sure, i'm a great devoted boyfriend, here's a blanket, and i shivered.

and then i didn't stop shivering.

jacob: are you okay?
me: um. i'm still shivering.
jacob: are you cold?
me: no. i'm actually really sweaty.
jacob: maybe you're having a seizure?

jacob gets on the internet. i'm flopping around on his bed. jacob goes to get bill across the hall. bill sees me flopping around. i say hello and continue to flop like a fish.

jacob: we need to go to the hospital.
me: no. i'm fine.
me: ugh. no ambulance.

jacob, being six four and in shape, is like, man, i can totally carry my helpless seizing girlfriend to bill's car and we can drive her to the emergency room and it will be glorious! but as soon as he tries to pick me up, i'm like, UH, NO, I'M ABOUT TO PASS OUT, YOU PUT ME THE HELL BACK ON YOUR BED RIGHT NOW so now jacob is like, well gee, i'm calling an ambulance, and i'm still flopping around and i'm like, seriously, this is going to make such a scene.

twenty minutes later, there are paramedics and they're like, hi emily, and i'm like, yo, what's up, i think i'm having a seizure, what's your name? and they're like, OMG WHY ARE YOU TALKING WHY AREN'T YOU PASSED OUT and i'm like, dude, question of the hour, can i stop shaking now please?

so then they strap me into this wheelchair and it goes up the basement steps. kind of like carl's little chair in up. then i was in an ambulance and my first thought was, ambulances look so much cooler in TV shows. this is totally boring. man. i'm still flopping around. this is dumb.

a bunch of ER doctors pull the whole "oh wow she's conscious and making jokes with the paramedics, that's really weird" and i'm over here like, "you know, this oxygen stuff you shoved up my nose? my nose ring isn't digging it." and jacob is on the phone with my parents and then this nice guy gave me this huge dose of benadryl.

fact. i cannot spell benadryl. i am far too lazy to look it up, too. so it's going to be spelled benadryl for the rest of this blog post.

that stuff conks me out. i wake up for a little bit and i'm in a CT scan to check my brain and i'm like, oooooh. pretty. then jacob is like, it's two in the morning and we're taking you home! and then he lifted me into my bunk bed and he spent the night in my room like a good boyfriend and i slept and i slept and i slept.

i spent most of sunday curled up in bed watching british television. i finally got around to showering and i put on my fancy gamma phi beta clothes for my business meeting and jacob and i went to dinner, and everybody was like, emily are you okay, i heard you were in the ER last night, and i'm like, i am sooo sick of telling people what happened last night.

then jacob and i went to his room, i laid down on his bed for a minute, and then the next thing i know, i'm flopping around again.

welcome to my life.

jacob wastes no time. he calls willard, my fantastic boss, and before we even debate about calling an ambulance, they've shoved me into the back of willard's car and we're off to the ER again. having a weird seizure in the back of someone's car is not as cool as it sounds. and when we pull up the ER entrance, this doctor is like, "why is she doing that?" and willard is like, "uh, we don't know, that's why we brought her here, dumbass."

ER doctor: you're back.
me: yeup.
ER doctor: why do you keep coming back.
me: that's a great question.

me: i'm missing my gamma phi beta meeting.
jacob: i think you have other, more pressing matters to deal with right now.
me: my abs hurt from convulsing like this.
jacob: well, at least you'll have a six pack when this is all over.

they give me drugs. when i wake up, my parents are magically there, like they apparated from indiana, and i'm like, yaaaay parents! and then the ER doctor is like, we're going to admit you to the hospital and i'm like, hold up, i have three classes tomorrow and stuff to do. and he's like, too bad, we gotta figure out why you're convulsing.

see, it's not a seizure if i'm talking and cracking jokes with the doctors. it's a convulsion.

at two in the morning they set me up in a pretty swanky private hospital room and my parents spend the night in my dorm room. they come back around eight in the morning and spend most of the morning sleeping on a couch by the window and i spend most of the morning sleeping in my hospital bed. then this indian doctor is like, i know a lot about brains, we're going to see why you're having convulsions!

so they wheel me downstairs to have an EEG. which means they stick little wires all over my head and see what my brain does. but they can't just stick the wires to my head, no, they have to rub this stuff that honest to god looks like toothpaste all over my hair and my forehead before they can do anything. while this nice lady is rubbing weird toothpaste on me, she's telling me that she knows a bunch of people that i know because she's one of the hall director's sisters, and i'm like, dude, no way, small world, and then i remember that we're in alma and everything is small in alma. except walmart.

once that's over with, jacob comes over and we spend most of the afternoon sitting around. jacob does his homework and i take advantage of the super sweet and fantastic wireless and i watch sherlock. i was NOT prepared for those feels.

british TV for the win!

live tweeting: "why did i EVER think that watching the reichenbach fall alone in my hospital room was a good idea?!"

so my parents were like, well you look and feel fine and we're out of clothes and have jobs, so we're going back to indiana and we'll call you a bunch and i was like, sweet, that sounds great.

because here's the thing. i'm sitting in this hospital room and i feel like ballroom dancing. because i feel fantastic. and everybody on facebook is like, "emily! get better soon! feel better soon!" and i'm sitting here like, "dude. i feel awesome."

my entire RA staff came to see me after visiting hours, and that was quite the scandal. they brought the bitch slapper, which is a giant canoe paddle that's been decorated with everything from a pair of sunglasses to what looks like a crucified toy cat. apparently they got lost in limbo with an elevator, scared a few nurses, and couldn't find my room. but they brought me ice cream and we had a great staff meeting where we laughed and were awesome.

on tuesday the neurologist was like, your brain scan was clean, go home! and i was like, YISSSSSS and so i got back to my dorm room, i took a shower, and i took a nap.

then i woke up and starting having another seizure thing.

jacob: seriously.
me: seriously.
jacob: i'm calling 911 again.
me: whatever. i am so done with this.

twenty minutes later.

me: you better fix me because i think my dad is about to flip his shit.

but this third ER visit on tuesday evening was quite fantastic. they drugged me and got the convulsions to stop, but instead of passing out, i perked up. so jacob and i ordered a pizza. and it came straight to the ER. like, the pizza guy wandered into the ER looking for me and i was like, THAT'S MY PIZZA, BABY.

they admitted me again, got me a room on the fourth floor (where i have a great view of taco bell), and jacob and my brother hung out for a while. after they left i stayed up and did internet things. because i'm social media enthusiast and i was back in the hospital for an undetermined amount of time. what better time than to be on tumblr?

here's how tuesday night went.

1 am. i went to sleep.
2 am. a nurse came in and checked my vitals. i was half awake.
4:45 am. i woke up and couldn't fall back asleep.
5 am. got on the internet.
5:30 am. started trolling people on facebook.
6 am. fell back asleep.
6:30 am. some lady came into my room and took like, five vials of my blood from my left arm and didn't even bother to smile at me.
7:30 am. my neurologist came in and talked to me. i was way too tired to comprehend anything that he was saying.
8:30 am. a small asian lady came into my room and randomly started to clean it. um.
9:30 am. my nurse came and told me that i was going to have a brain MRI and she'd send up a team to take out my nose ring because i didn't know how.

taking our your nose ring hurts when it's not fully healed, kids.

the brain MRI was fun. a nice guy named sam wheeled me downstairs and a nice guy named mark did the MRI. i fell asleep. when i got back, i buzzed for the nice nurse to put my nose ring back in. she got it back in just fine, but then she dropped the tiny ball that holds it together.

three nurses were on their hands and knees for about fifteen minutes scouring my hospital floor. i can't say that it wasn't awesome, because it was.

around one, barbara and mariah brought me lunch, which was exciting, because the hospital food is the same as the cafeteria food at alma, WHICH I WILL NEVER ESCAPE, GAH. they brought me a teddy bear and we sat around and talked about allll kinds of stuff until mariah had to leave for swim practice.

then i skyped with emma! that was exciting. after we were done skyping, jacob came over and then we sat around and did homework like boring people, because at this rate, i had been out of class for three days, and with a nineteen credit load, that's not good. after jacob left i ate chocolate cake.

this is a really big deal. last week i ate half of a chocolate cake with my hands. willard has it on video somewhere.

after dinner another doctor came and told me that my brain is normal, which is great. i don't have any tumors or weird brain bleeding places and my brain ventricles are fine, and i'm thinking, brains have ventricles? true story. he told me that it's probably a weird side effect from my zoloft. as if my terrible adjustment period wasn't bad enough. then he told me that he did zumba with his wife and i gave him mad respect.


i then skyped with hannah, emma's twin counterpart, and that was delightful. then willard, bobby and talon came to visit me, and we sat around and joked about how i felt fine but was stuck here, how katie brought me a care package with teddy grahams and a bow for my hair in a cool harry potter bag, and willard's terrible back surgery experience that involved a lot of peeing. they brought me back the bitch slapper since i had left it in willard's car when i thought i was going back to campus but hey, just kidding, i was back in the ER three hours later.

after they left i took a really nice hot shower and i sang like i was about to win american idol. then, once i got out of the shower, i was like, mmmm i feel funny. better buzz my nurse.

then it was like, ATTACK OF THE CONVULSIONS and i was like, seriously. what is this crap. i JUST showered and now i'm all sweaty again. and i was about to watch the avengers and now i'm all drugged, ugh.

IV drugs, children, make you sleep like a baby. i got the best sleep ever last night.

my neurologist came this morning and he was like, soooo you had another convulsion last night, and i was like, yessir i did, and he says, well we think that you can go home today. and i was like, GREAT!

until i get to go home, i will do my homework. and then... i will unwrap the avengers and i will watch it and live tweet it. 

i honestly can't wait until like... three months from now. and i'll go to my twitter profile and be like, "lololol, remember those like, five days that i was in the hospital and i tweeted about every five seconds about the food and my bathroom sink making noise and people visiting me and bringing me shit? yeahhhhh."

i'm really hoping i get to go back to campus today. that would be pretty sweet. assuming i'm not back in the ER with jacob  five hours from now and the doctor like, SERIOUSLY, EMILY. STOP IT.

until then, here's my cartoon captain america for no apparent reason.



  1. Emily! I'm thinking about you from far away and I hope you are back at Alma (not to return to the hospital) soon so your dad doesn't hurt your doctors and so you can get on with your life!

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  3. I seriously can't even begin to imagine how I read every word of this, but I'm really glad that they have no clue what is wrong with you or why you're convulsing... because, you know, "side effects" are just a cop-out for anything that happens to someone when the people getting paid don't know what that something is. But hey? You're alive, and you seem to have a stack of solid people who care for you and love you. So, cheers. To happiness and the Avengers, /j