i'm having a lot of hobbit feels. a lot. and by a lot i mean my entire tumblr right now is nothing but the hobbit and i want to climb richard armitage's lonely mountain. if you know what i mean.
i stole that line from a witty person on tumblr. i never would've come up with that myself.
oh, here's my warning.
THIS IS GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT SPOILERS AND STUFF BUT YOU SHOULD READ IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY JUST ME SHARING MY INTENSE FEELINGS ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS AND I DON'T THINK I'LL RUIN TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING AND I NEED TO LEARN TO TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK.
right. like, i don't think i'll actually spoil anything? except maybe like, the basic premise of the movie?
maybe. let's begin.
so this actually begins with me laying around in my room watching breaking bad and drinking wine alone in my room on a thursday night, because we all know that the best time to drink is alone in your room on a thursday night. this is like, the fourth time i've done this and i feel like it's a sure sign of alcoholism.
so walter from breaking bad was blowing up some bad guys and cooking some awesome crystal and getting sick from chemotherapy and i was like, man, what if my dad was a meth cooker like walter and then jacob (the boyfriend not the best friend) was like, SURPRISE IT'S ELEVEN AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
sometime over the summer.
me: the hobbit comes out in december!
jacob: we're seeing it at midnight!
me: what if i have an exam on friday morning? it's finals week.
jacob: uh. don't care.
jacob: DID YOU HEAR ME, WOMAN?
he didn't say that last line. but we were going to the hobbit at midnight no matter what.
we bought our hobbit tickets in the same trip that bought me the wine that got me through the first season of breaking bad without vomiting. because a guy literally melts through pinkman's ceiling at one point and i really think that alcohol was the only thing that got me through it.
so at eleven thirty we head over to my car, slipping in the lovely snow that alma has and i'm incredibly excited. like, i get excited about everything.
when i say i get excited, i mean i get excited. i twitch. i tremble. i jump. i wring my hands. i flail my arms. i make inhuman noises. i scream and make highpitched whistling sounds.
i. cannot. control. excitement. it's a problem.
so i'm driving and squealing and shaking and jacob is just sitting in the passenger seat like, whatever, man. and i'm like, HOW ARE YOU NOT EXCITED and he's like, yo i'm totally excited and i'm like, YOU ARE NOT PHYSICALLY SHAKING ENOUGH TO BE EXCITED! and then the rest of the ride i yelled HOBBIT HOBBIT HOBBIT and flailed my arms until jacob was like, emily hold onto the steering wheel, you're driving a car.
so we get to alma's little theatre and who's it full of?
jacob's PMA brothers.
we take our seats. nobody rips our tickets, so technically we could've snuck in, but we're honest, decent people. the theatre is PACKED with alma students. we find a spot for two between a huge throng of jacob's brothers and some of their friends who are girls (not to say that they don't have girlfriends.) and we have half an hour to wait. i'm practically having a seizure i'm so excited, which is saying something, because i actually have seizures in real life.
and then, after an agonizing wait in which jacob and i see that there are an average of two RAs per building staff in the theatre, the movie starts and i'm about to pee my pants.
my first reaction is that ian holm's face is a lot fatter than it is in the fellowship of the ring and i'm trying not to let it bother me. and then frodo shows up and i'm like, well that's weird, i'm so used to him in that outfit he wore ALL THREE MOVIES and then frodo's like, hey bilbo, i'm going to go wait for gandalf in the woods and surprise him!
and then my heart melted into a gigantic puddle of feels from the fellowship.
i should back up. i skipped the part about the dwarf kingdom that got demolished by a dragon that you never actually see. which was really crafty on peter jackson's part.
anyway, ian holm transforms into martin freeman and of course, i fangirled really hard. here's a conversation to help you understand.
me: MARTIN FREEMAN IS PLAYING BILBO! EEEE!
my dad: who?
me: martin freeman, daddy!
my dad: who's that?
me: he plays dr. john watson in sherlock!
my mom: elementary?
me: NO. SHERLOCK. THE BRITISH TV SHOW.
my parents: oh. right. you watch british TV because you want to be british.
me: MARTIN FREEEEMAN
so of course, he's adorable as a hobbit. and dwarves start showing up and they're making a mess and bilbo's doing exactly what i do in any situation: panic.
and then it gets quiet and there's a knock on the door and gandalf whispers, "he is here."
who is here?! i can't figure out who's here. i'm excited. who's at bilbo's house?!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DWARF ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
thorin is kingly. he has a deep voice. he's a badass warrior. and he can sing.
so the whole movie i'm like, i'm attracted to a dwarf. dwarves aren't supposed to be pretty. but oh my GOD do i want this dwarf. ahhh is this normal?!
tumblr alerted me that yes, it is normal. i feel better about being attracted to a dwarf now.
so the whole gist of the movie is that thorin, twelve other dwarves, gandalf and bilbo set out to reclaim the kingdom that was overtaken by the nasty dragon. it's an adventure story! hooray!
bilbo has no idea what he's doing. at one point he falls into a crevice and the dwarves are like, welp, he's dead, let's move on. he falls off a cliff at one point and thorin is like, ugh, gotta save your ass now, stupid hobbit in the middle of a thunderstorm. he gets sneezed on by a mountain troll and he has absolutely no idea how to wield his sword.
the dwarves, on the other hand, are like, badass fighters. thorin is the best of them all, having defeated this giant scary orc named azog. i was looking at azog and i was like, man, he really looks like the tree fawn in pan's labyrinth and then in the credits it was like, guillermo del toro and i was like, WHAT UP. I WAS RIGHT.
but anyway, azog is this big ass pale orc that's like, gigantic and mean and speaks an ugly language and rides a huge white warg and he's like, i killed thorin's dad and his grandpa, i want thorin's head so we're going to hunt them the whole movie because i just really hate thorin's family and thorin cut off my arm and that makes me sad inside.
halfway through the movie there's a huge repulsive giant goblin and i just wanted to vomit every time i looked at him. he's absolutely disgusting.
and caves! the dwarves are always going into caves! and bad things happen when they go into caves and halfway through the movie i was like, yo, thorin, another cave? not a good idea, bro.
and then there's gollum. bilbo falls into a crevice and all the dwarves are like, we can't find bilbo but that's okay because we're being attacked by these crazy goblins and we're going to DIE and bilbo is like, what's around this corner?! AND IT'S GOLLUM FUGGIN' BEATING A GOBLIN TO DEATH AND EATING IT WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
oh, and then gollum appears out of nowhere and his eyes GLOW IN THE DARK and he spends like, ten minutes discussing ways to eat bilbo and bilbo is like, i am about to be eaten by a scrawny thing that speaks in this awkward third person and who the hell is precious?
and then we all know that bilbo takes the ring. when gollum found out that bilbo had the ring, i have never been more terrified for a movie character in my entire life.
eventually azog made another appearance and actually spoke english, so that was cool. but then all the dwarves were hanging over a cliff by a tree and azog was like, BRING ME THORIN'S HEAD and i was like, NOOOOO THORIN MY EYE CANDY and there was some legit amount of time that i thought that thorin was dead and i may or may not have cried, which really means that i did.
picture an old man completely high out of his mind and keeping a bird's nest in his hat.
he also has a wooden sleigh drawn by giant talking rabbits. he's like... santa of the forest. he also has pet hedgehogs. he might be my spirit animal.
so we all know that the hobbit is being made into three movies, and the first one was two hours and fifty minutes long. some of it was boring and i almost fell asleep, but i was seeing it at midnight, to be fair. even though it's a long movie, there's still two more, and we all know what that means.
it ended. rather abruptly.
so all the dwarves are on a rock and thorin is like, hey bilbo, you're actually not a worthless stupid hobbit and then it's like
DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON
and i was like, NOOOOOOOO IT CAN'T BE OVER
me: WHAT. NO.
jacob: let's go, i have a splitting headache, it's three in the morning.
me: I NEED MORE
jacob: please, let's just leave
me: NOOOO IT CAN'T END LIKE THAT
and i legitimately cried. i hugged jacob around the middle and sobbed into his shirt for a good two minutes before he finally dragged me out of the theatre and made me drive back to campus.
in short, i loved the hobbit. it was awesome. it gave me so many feels.
i posted "i never thought i could be incredibly attracted to a dwarf" on tumblr and it has like, forty notes, which is awesome. tumblr famous!
i'll leave you with this.
that's right, bilbo. you go on your adventure.
AND DON'T DIE IN THE LAST MOVIE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT.