Tuesday, September 27, 2011


i have no idea what this blog will be about. i just know that i have to blog RIGHT now and you'll just have to bear with me.

or you can close this, that'll be fine, because i feel like most of this is going to be my day and my ridiculous life and ridiculous future plans, as if you haven't heard that fifty thousand times.

if you haven't, welcome to the show.

here is what JUST WENT DOWN, this just in, call the presses.

emily, our protagonist and avid blogger and sophomore college student, had an epic flood in her dorm room of the first day of classes on september sixth.

trust me. it was scary as hell. as i tried to plunge the evil thing (that evil thing being my toilet) with my nine dollar walmart plunger, the water went WHOOSH and it was like the freakin' titanic and i screamed and jumped onto my bed as toilet water rushed into my dorm room and went all the way under my extra bed and stained my seventies carpet.

so, this just in, my toilet clogged again. do i dare plunge it with my nine dollar walmart plunger?

of course not. we just saw what happened the last time i tried to plunge it.

so i called campus security and wrapped myself up hopelessly in my phone cord and said in a really childish voice, "hi hi hi i know it's late but my toilet is clogged and the last time i plunged it, it flooded my room..." and the nice man asked me my name, room number, and said he'd be there soon and i better be in there when he came.

well. emily, our protagonist (not heroine. i am too cowardly) had to pee. and had to pee bad.

so i grabbed my omnipotent ID card with the terrible picture and ran out of my dorm building and pelted to wright hall with my shawl half falling off of my shoulders. i am not sure how i ran in those shoes, to be honest.

wright hall is the nice apartment style dorm that's only like, five years old, smells funny, and you have to apply to get in. the kids in wright hall are automatically cooler than everybody else and all they do is study study study study because you have to have a near perfect GPA to live there. it is everybody's goal to get into wright hall. not mine. i like having a dorm, not an apartment. i don't want to grow up.

i pelted into wright hall and managed to locate the bathroom. steph and sarah were sitting on the curb coaxing the cafeteria cat, but my high speed and endurance scared it away under the car. i felt bad.

i feel like i blog about personal things. here's one of them.

when i sat down on that toilet in wright hall, the seat slid. you know, how it slides and you feel like you're going to pitch off and then that little block under the seat catches on the toilet rim and then you nearly fall over and you're like, thank you jesus i didn't fall into the toilet now my heart is pounding and i'm not sure if i can pee anymore. mhm. it was fun.

when i was done peeing, i couldn't find the toilet flusher. i searched and searched and then realized... it was a BUTTON ON THE TANK. that really needed bolding for emphasis.

um. i'm not sure who invented this. i think it might possibly be ingenius. it's also very very terrifying. and i really don't want it to be the new social norm.

while i walked quickly back to my dorm to meet security, i ran into megan. i was excited to show her my cello, but she was on the phone, and by the time she got off, the gigantic plumbing van had pulled up behind me. so i ran like hell to my room, threw off my shawl, propped open the door, and quickly wrote "emily esta in su cuarto! dice hola!" because that's what i write when i'm home and i want you to stop by and say hi.

the last time (after the great flood of september sixth) my toilet clogged, the plumber ran this gigantic snake down it and plunged and plunged and plunged and talked merrily about what a fine job plumbing was. i told him i was going to be a teacher and winced as he busted up the pipes with his huge drain-o tool.

this time they just plunged it, flushed down a hunk of my toilet paper to make sure it worked, waved, and left me alone to finish my episode of criminal minds. it was the one with the insane psychiatrist.

there are a lot of reasons that could contribute to the fact that i had this terrible need to blog about this.

1. last night i had this intense dream that my dad was in the BAU and he found frank! (if you know what this means, i love you.) my dad's plan was to catch frank and eat him. and i was okay with this. it's a dream. i have the right to be okay with this. i think.
2. because of this dream, i slept badly. it was indeed a terrifying dream.
3. i had five classes, four in a row beginning at eight thirty. there was way too much philosophy in there.
4. i got poured on picking up a package that turns out wasn't mine. i'm still dealing with the disappointment.
6. i met one of those most prodigious latin american guitarists ever, and he talked to me in spanish for an hour and i had no idea what he was saying. so i nodded and said bueno a whole bunch.
7. i watched rio with the staff. that movie has way too much sexual tension.
8. i wrote out of the rest of my college life in brightly colored markers (watermelon themed) and tacked them to the cork board behind my laptop.

i. am. going. insane.

my next task of the evening, besides sleeping because it is twelve thirty in the morning, is to invent a fictional small town. i am going to name it screechington, and everybody who lives in that town screeches.