Thursday, October 11, 2012

that moment i pretended i knew what was going on in politics.

oh my goodness. i need to blog.

today i shaved for the first time since getting out of the hospital. and i was like, MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN shania twain style in the shower and then i was like, jeez, my life is sad, this is why i have a blog. i need to blog.

my last post was so dramatic. and depressing.

i need to blog about fun things.

here's what i came up with.

1. walk-outs! we got seven new gamma phi babies and jacob and i took stupid pictures and he resembled sully from monster's inc.
2. all of the awkward places i've been having seizures. like the choir concert.
3. the presidential debate.

i've decided to go with number three.

OH NO, A POLITICAL BLOG, RUN AWAY AHHHHHH

you can run away. buuuut i feel like if i've blogged about religion, being hospitalized, my vagina on numerous occasions, and my mental illness, i've earned the right to blog about politics.

um. i should make a disclaimer.

i, emily hollenberg, know absolutely nothing about politics. i do not want to get into any stimulating discussions. i do not like it when people comment on stuff and are like, "actually, if you look at the facts about blah blah in obamacare you will realize blah blah blah about taxes."

i don't know about politics. i'm simply sharing my opinion and how the debate was pretty much the funniest thing i've ever seen on television. i'm not going to be politically correct. also, we can have different political stances and still be friends. don't shove your beliefs down my throat and i won't shove mine down yours.

right. THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

in eleventh grade in my US history class we had to keep debate journals. i went back and reread them and i realized that i care more about how politicians act on stage rather than what they're saying. i totally did that last week during the debate.

and of course, i live tweeted. because live tweeting is what i do. and surprisingly, i didn't lose any followers.

OH. i should probably post my political stance.

it is officially HUFFLEPUFFS FOR OBAMA.

because i'm in hufflepuff. and i like obama. i think. i made a sign and hung it in my room, so it's decently legit.

so it's debate time. i have my door open. i have my laptop on my lap and i'm ready to live tweet the hell out of this thing.

my first thought: romney and obama are ridiculously photogenic. like, why can't i be that photogenic? even when my hair looks good i still look terrible in pictures.

WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
wow. i just labeled that "wet t-shirt contest." i'm going to hell.

soooo. i think the rest of this blog is going to be my tweets. because i feel like it'll just be easier for you and for me if i'm just like, HERE, LOOK AT MY TWEETS DURING THE DEBATE.

first tweet. OH SNAP, PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BECAUSE OBAMA IS AWESOME AND I JUST WANT TO LAUGH AT MITT ROMNEY. there's my political stance, oops, bye.

then i spent some time wondering who the moderator was because i don't pay attention to things like that. i'm way more focused on the fact that whenever one of the candidates is like, "let me tell you why your plan is bullshit" they're like, "LOOK DOWN AND SMILE, LOOK DOWN AND SMILE. IT'LL BE OKAY, JUST LOOK DOWN AND SMILE AT MY SHINY SHOES THAT SOMEOBDY PICKED OUT FOR ME."

so. my first jab at romney.

"oh romney. you're pulling the sob stories and not actually talking about what you're going to do. and did anybody notice that you just dissed china?"

i don't even remember how he dissed china. but he totally did.

even though i'm a pretty hardcore obama fan, of course obama isn't perfect. i got to jab at him too.

obama: education is super important, guys! i want to pay teachers more and i want to hire more math and science teachers!
me: bro. english teachers. we're a thing.

now we're at the point where i'm not entirely sure what's going on because i don't know how the hell medicaid and medicare work. so i'm trying to figure out who the moderator is. when i found out, this happened.

"THE MODERATOR'S NAME IS JIM. JIM. JIM. MY MAN. LET'S DATE."

because i've always wanted to date an old PBS dude in a tie. like mr. rogers.

sooooo then the bullshit starts to fly.

romney: i don't want to cut taxes on the rich.
me: um.
obama: um.
jim: um.
america: um.

obama: i was looking at numbers--
me: candidates understand numbers?! i thought they made that stuff up.

jim: let's talk about taxes.
romney: lol no.
jim: let's focus back on taxes.
romney: lol no.
obama: smile and nod. smile and nod.

it was a little after this that i made my most important discovery of all political history.

republicans blink more than democrats.

i'm so serious. in my eleventh grade journal, i seriously spent a page discussing how much john mccain blinks. like, my seventeen year old self was obsessed with how much that man blinked. and now i'm sitting on my bed live tweeting and i'm like, damn, romney is blinking so much. REPUBLICANS MUST BLINK MORE THAN DEMOCRATS.

it makes perfect sense. right? right.

then things start to get fun. jacob comes over.

jacob doesn't like politics. he doesn't want to vote. he doesn't like obama or romney. and he actually knows about politics and laws and legislation and i'm over here like, i just want to vote for obama because he likes education and is okay with gay marriage. 

the first thing that jacob says to me when he walks in is this: "romney's being an ass. but he's being an ass pretty stupidly. does he think that's good?"

about ten minutes later romney is like, "hang on jim, i want the last word." and jim is like, "no bro, obama gets the last word and you can go first next time" and romney is like, "DUDE, NO, I WANT THE LAST WORD" and i'm like, "romney. LISTEN TO JIM. HE'S A COOL DUDE."

so this was my favorite part of the debate.

romney: i love coal.
my tweet: i'm sitting here with the largest windfarm in michigan five miles away and romney is like, OH HEY, I LOVE COAL.

i put that as a facebook status. it got a lot of likes.

then suddenly it's all medicare and healthcare and things i don't know about and romney is like, "it's my job to interrupt jim because i can do what i want" and obama is like, "i am soooo on the oration struggle bus" and i'm like, "obama, i feel you bro, i had a speech impediment in elementary school."

and then two beautiful things happened.

romney: expensive things hurt families.
jacob: SO DOES LOSING YOUR JOB TO A CORPORATE PIG.
me: i have lost my ability to can.

jim: now let's move onto--
romney: lol no.
jacob: I'M MITT ROMNEY AND I'M AN ASSHOLE AND I INTERRUPT THE MODERATOR BECAUSE I'M MITT ROMNEY.
me: where's kanye when you need him?

a facebook app told me that kanye west would interrupt my wedding. i think i'm okay with that.

i feel like this wouldn't be a political debate blog post if i didn't say at least something about big bird. i actually missed the big bird comment, i was laughing too hard at jacob muttering hateful things under his breath about obama's tax plan that i will never hope to understand.

but seriously, you can't just be like, "hey bro, i know you work for PBS and you're moderating this thing, but i want to cut public programming. like PBS."

there is one thing that i DO know, and that cutting funding and getting rid of PBS will make about a tenth of a percent difference in the national defecit.

if we want to fix the national defecit, we need to stop spending money on a pointless war. i don't care if you agree with me or not. i believe that our war is pointless and is wasting money. 

back to funnier points of the debate.

romney: my first day as president, i'm going to repeal obamacare.
obama: you gonna have a busy first day there, bro, repealing all of my shit.

the debate showed me a few things.

1. republicans blink more than democrats.
2. romney interrupts people more than kanye west.
3. my boyfriend is very knowledgeable about politics.
4. i know nothing about politics.
5. twitter is the best place to be when watching a debate.
6. moderator jim needs a hug. and a large glass of bourbon after what all went down.

after the debate was over, i was flipping channels, and i kid you not, jacob says to me, "i wonder what's on PBS? burning effigies of romney?"

now i leave you with some political stuff that i put on tumblr, where if you are a republican, you are pretty much crucified.


even if we're republican, i feel like we all were.

right. i think we've all figured out my political stance.

i'm not saying that obama has all the answers. because he doesn't. but i am saying that i'm not going to vote for a man that won't let me get married if i were in love with a woman. and he thinks that airplane windows need to be able to be rolled down.

he's obviously never seen goldmember. he should watch more james bond.

also, one of my tweets got on some weird website. you can find it here.

seriously, i was just sitting on twitter and this guy was like, hey emilyyxh, i used your tweet in this article about the debate and i was like, man, i hope you know that none of my tweets are politically correct and  don't carry any political weight.

i am uneducated about politics and i'm going to vote! you should vote too!

and probably be more educated than me. that would be smart of you.

LET'S GO VOTE, KIDS! FOR ROMNEY OR OBAMA! 

and if neither of them work for you, tumblr is starting a "strange women in ponds distributing swords 2012" campaign. 

now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to turn on the vice presidential debate and have absolutely no idea what's going on.

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