Friday, November 2, 2012


i wish that my post titles could have a little description.

this one would be "in which emily discusses the month of november and how it hereby affects her life and finally culminates in the youtube sensation "aint' nobody got time for that.""

can you tell i've been reading a lot of sir francis bacon for my brit lit class?

fun fact: i've never had bacon before. can i count having bacon as reading francis bacon's verbose essays on humanity?

i've already digressed too much and this hasn't even gotten under way. right. november.

normally i think of october as that month where everything just kind of rushes at me and i'm like, HOLY HOMEWORK AND COLLEGE LIFE, BATMAN! and i have to run around and get everything done while being incredibly overly involved in other stuff, like chapel and my sorority and being an RA and being in active minds. which reminds me, i have posters to print off.

but this year november just kind of shoved october aside and was like, "october, chill bro, it's MY time to make emily's life incredibly busy and fantastical. you've had your run for two years."

yesterday was november first. also known as el dia de los muertos. also known as all saints day.

also known as "the day that emily found out what a terrible month november is going to be, and by terrible, she means awesomely insane."

let's take a quick gander at what lies ahead in my life in, gasp, A LIST. (i never have lists in my blog, guys. ever.)

1. while kayla is at conference, i'm kind of suddenly in charge of active minds. OOPS.
2. forgot about that history quiz. probably not gonna study for it.
3. i need to have a nice conversation with dr. aspinall about submitting some poetry and my really creepy short story to sigma tau delta, the english honorary i just joined. that's due on the twelfth and i haven't even edited my short story yet.
4. again, talk to dr. aspinall about my seven page paper about grendel's mother that i'll probably put into an awkward renaissance consortium. it'll look great on my resume.
5. speaking of resumes, my student teacher application is due on the fifteenth. HELLO, BIG KID LIFE, NOT HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
6. i'm taking a sorority little. SO HAPPY. SO POOR. SO NOT ENOUGH TIME.
7. gamma phi initiations! eep!
8. you know, i'm an RA. i do RA things. that means i have an interview next week to be a senior resident assistant. totally not ready for that to happen. i'm terrified out of my mind.
9. i need to make a unit plan for my lesson planning class. like, what does a high school english unit even look like? do i really get to spend four weeks on literary analysis? i don't even have a lesson plan for that.
10. brit lit exam. thou art a heartless bitch.
11. dr. wise will not stop pestering me about this position paper i have to write. i want to write about britain being douchebags and colonizing the entire world. but i can't really find a position in there. and i just don't care enough to think about the paper.

i swear to god there's more. just thinking about this is making me anxious. i need to pick up my new antidepressants at rite aid. i won't even get into my appointment with the neurologist and the fact that next month i'm going to be walking around campus with wires all over my head.

don't worry. i'll blog about it.

so this is like, my next three weeks. it's scary. i'm still finding time to blog and watch once upon a time. which is probably a really bad thing. i should be living in the library.

but here's the kicker.

yesterday i signed up for nanowrimo and now there is no going back.

agreed, sweet brown.
i should probably explain what nanowrimo is. don't weird yourself out with the pronunciation.

"nan. oh. ree. mo."

right. it's national november writing month. NaNoWriMo. get it?

cool beans. i'm an english major and a writing minor. i write anyway. i got this on lock.

wellllll nanowrimo has like, this awkward stipulation where you sign up to do it on their cool website ( and then they're like, GO WRITE A 50,000 WORD NOVEL IN A MONTH GO!

in the words of sweet brown, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

why did i sign up for this in november? when i have all of these futuristic life changing things happening, like applying to student teach and entering my writing in a huge conference in oregon and writing a paper for a weird renaissance consortium i didn't know existed? do i honestly have time to write a 50,000 word novel?

my first answer is yes. i open the novel i'm currently working on, check the word count. 107,069 words.

my first thought: pshhh that's like, over twice as much as i need for this nanowrimo gig.
my second thought: i've been writing that sucker for three years, not thirty days.
my third thought: i am so fucked right now. is a very helpful place. you put in your author information, how old you are, where you're from. what's your novel about? does it have a picture you want to use as a cover? put in an excerpt for other users to read. keep up with your word count and you can see how far you have to go, what you need to average, where you'll finish if you keep up your current word count average per day, and there's even a handy dandy scale that lets you know how you're doing on the graph of writing. you can be buddies with other writers.

i put in my author info. 

hobbies: singing in the shower, reading harry potter, eating string cheese, blogging.
occupation: student, resident assistant, almost but not quite professional blogger.
novel title: alligator.
synopsis: great question.
cover: fuggetaboutit.
bio: the generic "hi i'm emily. i like serial killers, strawberries, and lemon cake. my life consists of awkward moment and cereal." because it does.

seemed like a good deal. then i was like, shit, i gotta write a novel in a month now.

so i feverishly opened a word document with a vague character in mind. i knew more about her obession with presidential dogs than about her, and i was like, it's debate time, why not have her take a political science class during the upcoming election and i'm not gonna finish this by election day, so i have instant dramatic irony, and she can be from florida and there'll be an alligator there somewhere and boom, i have a novel i can work with.

i ran into that sticky spot where i was like, ummm my main character's name starts with an m. what's her name?

google baby names. get on weird sites with weird ads. find weird names that shouldn't exist in nature. eventually come across the name "maggie" and run with it.

write write write write write write, look at the clock, realize it's almost midnight and boom, i have 5,013 words in one day. 

my second thought: dude. i totally don't have time for this every day and i don't even know where the alligator is going to come into play. my book is called alligator. um.

i've decided to give you a small excerpt of my novel, for shits and giggles. i believe it characterizes maggie and her family quite nice.

“John, Maggie said ‘pardon my ass’ earlier,” my mom said to my dad, talking over me.
“She needed to pardon it,” my dad said simply. “Mags, did you need to pardon your ass?”
“I want to pardon the world’s ass.”
“So it’s not a problem,” my father said plainly.
“How does one actually pardon an ass?” my mother wondered.
“Well, if you come across an ass, your pardon it,” my father replied smartly.

currently, maggie is standing next to an abstinence makes the heart grow fonder! poster. you've all seen them. the ugly eighties couple holding hands and urging you not to engage in sexual intercourse.

which brings me to my last point about november, besides all of the terrible things that i have to do this month and that i'm writing a strange novel about politics, dogs named after presidents, and alligators in thirty days.

november is, in fact, no shave november.

my boyfriend has been participating in no shave june, july, august, september, october, november, and forever, and he has the biggest beard on campus. yesterday we stuck froot loops in it. many of his PMA brothers and my close friends are participating in no shave november. colin, my psuedo PMA brother (they don't actually take sisters) is participating in no shave october AND november because he can't grow that much and he wants to be manly. colin, if you're reading this, you are manly. and you're a time lord.

but why can't women do no shave november? i mean, on the swim team, it's totally no shave september october november december (quick shave) january february. i don't have a problem with hairy legs. life of a swimmer.

so i'm doing no shave november. plus, the mccurdy house, the women's advocacy small house on campus, is having some sort of no shave november contest. i'm decently hairy. i have a shot at winning.... something. i should look more into the contest.

yesterday i threw away my razor. i'm pretty stoked about it. but throwing away my razor also means that i'm letting my armpit hair grow. EUW. YEP. IT'S PRETTY GROSS AND AWESOME.

there's been a lot of twitter coverage about ladies participating in no shave november. people are saying that it's just for men (like dr. pepper ten. i drink that stuff all the time.) and that it's disgusting for a woman to do it.

the new phrase is "if women do no shave november, there'll be a no d december."


to quote my book character, pardon my ass, but that's ridiculous.

1. who says we wanted your dick in the first place?
2. man, i didn't realize that sexual relationships were based on my body hair. i should've known.
3. if you don't want to have sex with me because i have body hair, i don't think i want to have sex with you, douchebag.
4. yes, i'm abstinent, and that means that i'm waiting for the right person. you obviously aren't the right person if you're gonna be like, 'oh sorry honey, i can't have sex with you, your leg hair is too long.'
5. look at your own leg hair, gentleman. we have sex with THAT all up on us. and don't even pretend like you shave your dicks to please us. so why should i shave my vagina to please you?

number five is for a twitter comment that went, "nobody likes a bush down there."

feminist twitter movement as of late: "no d december means no v forever."

i mean, i'm on the no vagina train because i'm abstinent and all that. and i feel comfortable growing out my body hair this month because i'm obviously not getting any. but even if i were getting some, i'd like to think that my boyfriend wouldn't deny me sexual intercourse because i have leg hair.

wow. this post went from "emily has so much to do!" to "emily is writing a novel in a month!" to "emily is a crazy feminist and growing out her armpit hair this month!"

welcome to my life.

so. i'm emily. i'm writing a novel in a month while simultaneously growing out my body hair. i'm going to write research papers and head up mental health organizations and talk to professors and kick literary and academic ass.

and you know, i'm going to try to blog somewhere in there.

and for your viewing pleasure, the wonderful video "ain't nobody got time for that."

sweet brown. my spirit animal.

oh. i also want to mention that last night, while exerting all of my literary effort into writing fourteen pages of my novel in an hour, i ate an entire cake. alone in my room. at midnight.


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