Tuesday, November 13, 2012

and then i started exercising again, and THIS is what happened.

i am a very stupid person.

this post is about my stupidity over the weekend.

no, i did not do what you think i did, i guarantee it.

so on thursday i decided that i was going to get my life together.

i was going to start exercising again. i haven't exercised in like... two years.

after my education class i went back to my room, put on some workout clothes and my boyfriend's hoodie that says HAMMER on the back (ya know, because his last name is hammer and it's hardcore) and i went to the rec center with my ipod and i jumped on an elliptical and i worked out.

it was torturous. it was terrible. but when i was done i felt really good. and i even went back to my room and did some abs, even though i don't really need to because every time i have a seizure i get an epic ab work out.

want good abs? have five hour long seizures.

so i decide to make this a regular thing. on friday i'm going to go work out, too! but first i have to go to walmart to buy some necessities for my gamma phi baby. and of course, it's friday, and we all know what that means.


i got an explicit email from my mother telling me that she gave jacob a blessing to do whatever he needed to do to keep me from buying it, besides i'm assuming, killing me or maiming me. she then talked about how i'm going to england for a month and i need to save my money for things like food while i'm there. which is smart.

but... the amazing spider-man.

here is andrew garfield doing the single ladies dance. with a beard that is nowhere near as wonderful as my boyfriend's. to prove my point.

at walmart jacob had to physically grab me and pull me away from the DVD display. it was pretty intense.

when i got back to my room i had an intense set of hiccups, so i called my dad and hiccupped at him for a while. then i went back to work out.

nobody was there! so i hopped on an elliptical and i was like, man. endorphins. they're a cool thing.

so i bumped the level up to ten and i put it on the hill setting and i rode that elliptical to the ground. and when i was done i was like, I AM SO AWESOME.

so that night i'm on duty. i've taken a nice hot shower and i've been on tumblr and i've hardcore cleaned my room for an hour and i'm on weekend duty with betsie! and we're going on rounds and i'm like, mmmm my hip kinda hurts a little bit, like on the inside.

what my anatomy friends would classify as "the groin".

groin is such an awkward word. like, seriously, it's just obnoxious and rather sexual sounding. i don't like it.

so i decide that it's time to teach betsie how to do the duty olympics in wright hall. wright hall, for those of you who are not almanians, is the three floored apartment style dorm with an elevator. 

in the duty olympics, you take the elevator to the second AND third floors. when you reach the second floor, one RA goes left, the other goes right, you race down the hall, up the stairs, and beat the elevator to the third floor, then ride it all the way back down.

it's real fun. especially at two in the morning.

so i teach betsie the duty olympics. sprint down the hall. up the stairs. back down the hall. meet the elevator, take it down, pant a lot, finish rounds in the other two buildings.

my groin really hurts.

barbara comes over and we decide to watch stick it and bake muffins. you can't watch stick it without having intense olympic feels and wanting the intense muscular body of haley graham. like, seriously, can i be that buff without having to exercise or be an elite gymnast?

short answer: no.

about halfway through the movie, bill comes over and he's like, HI EMILY I'M DRUNK and i'm like, good thing you're twenty-one because i'm on duty! and we decide it's a good idea to do cartwheels in the hall. which is technically sports in the hallway. shhhh.

after a few cartwheels and a roundoff, i'm in a considerable amount of pain. but it's worth it, because i have a kickass cartwheel. about an hour later, betsie and i are back on rounds and we decide to do the duty olympics one more time.

by the time i get to the elevator and ride it down to the first floor, i can hardly walk.

i finish rounds. barbara laments that i don't have ice to make it feel better. last round is terrible because stairs are suddenly like, the most insurmountable thing i have ever encountered in my life.

saturday rolls around. i hobble to saga. it hurts. a lot. i steal some crutches from dave.

barbara and i go to the swim meet and everybody is like, are you okay?! and i'm like, yo i pulled my groin and everybody does that little oooh that sucks and then we move on our with our lives. barbara and i then drive to mount pleasant. shifting from the acceleration pedal to the brake pedal is painful. but hey, so is dying because you didn't brake, so braking is a good thing.

on sunday i'm already sick of the crutches. they aren't the right size, so they're painful, and i can't adjust them because they're at their shortest because dave's crutches are for giant people. no crutches on sunday. 

that might've been a bad idea.

sunday night colin comes over after chapel and we watch the lion king together. the ice pack that barbara gave me is warm, so what's left to ice with?

frozen veggie burgers.

but here's the problem with my pulled groin muscle (that might be torn. we'll see). it's not that like, inner thigh groin tear. no, this is pretty much like... right on my vagina.

right on the vag.
i guess it's appropriate that i wore my GOT VAG? shirt last week to celebrate another four years of a president that isn't afraid to say the word vagina.

every time a guy is like, where'd you pull it and i point, they go, oh.

every time a girl is like, where'd you pull it and i point, they go, OH OUCH OMG I AM SO SORRY THAT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE.

women. we know vagina pain.

yesterday i tried to spend most of the day on north campus. the trek from south campus to saga, especially with a winter coat and a heavy backpack, is pretty much like hiking the entire appalachian trail. i have armpit callouses already and my triceps feel like death. my left leg is also getting shin splints from being the only leg that's fully functional. 

you don't realize how hard it is to not use your hip flexors when suddenly you can't.

but the kicker was last night at our RA inservice. we had different stations about how to be better RAs and take care of ourselves and stuff. the fourth station that i went to was alcohol drink sniffing (i can never smell cranberry juice mixed with vodka) and then we had to put on beer goggles, walk a straight line, pick up a cup, transfer it to a chair, pick up a nerf gun, cock it back, and shoot at a target.

crutches and beer goggles are pretty much the best.

i couldn't find the line i was supposed to be crutching on, so i just crutched straight for the cup. i couldn't bend down and reach the cup, so katie handed it to me and i couldn't reach for it, i was about three feet off. i then made it to the other chair with the nerf gun and my hands were cramped from holding the crutches, so i couldn't cock it back properly. i shot squarely at the target on the window and ended shooting the nerf bullet so high that my boss, who's very tall, had problems getting it down.

it was a riot.

now it's tuesday and i'm hoping that today is my last day. i have plans to stay on north campus until after dinner, and then i have plans to stay on south campus and never return until tomorrow morning. 

so when people ask me, "what did you do?!" and i say, "oh man, i pulled my groin, i might've torn it, who knows" and they say, "HOW?!"

i get to say, "well i worked too hard on the elliptical, i won the duty olympics, and i did some cartwheels."

not what you think i did in my stupidity, hmm?

i leave you with a picture of captain tumblr. he's full of feels.

1 comment:

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