Tuesday, June 26, 2012

everybody just wants my blood.

i want to blog about odd thomas.

i also want to blog about getting my blood drawn.

i can always blog about odd thomas tomorrow. he can wait. he has to wait because i love him.

so remember earlier when i blogged about going to see a doctor because of my irregular period? and i had to get blood tests?

yep, that was this morning.

so i have to fast for twelve hours.

if you know anything about me, it should be that i'm a swimmer, and because i'm a swimmer, i like food.

correction. i love food.

twelve hours of fasting isn't that fun. a normal person could come in and get their blood drawn between six thirty and eight, which are normal blood drawing hours.

sorry, i work from seven fifteen until nine thirty.

so they bent the rules and i could get my blood drawn at ten thirty. which gives me just enough time to shower and lounge around on tumblr.

so at work, i have a new swimmer. i walk right up to him and i say, "oh hey, i'm coach emily, and i haven't eaten in ten hours and i'm STARVING and i want a doughnut more than anything else in the world. which means that your practice is going to SUCK."

two turn fifties allll the way. sprint.

the worst part was when we gave all the kids suckers. i couldn't even drink water.

do you realize how thirsty you get coaching a bunch of seven year olds for an hour? and you're talking in this high annoying voice and saying, "I NEED YOUR EEEEEYES AND YOUR EEEARS ABOVE THE WATER PLEEEASE!"


i didn't realize how thirsty i was until i got into the shower. my parents were out bike riding 56 miles to ohio and back, and i showered with the door open (to break down civilization, you know.) and it was the perfect time for me to win american idol.

at school, i don't care who hears me try to win american idol in the shower.

but my dad could be on american idol if he were remotely young enough. too many years of voice lessons. my dad has the clearest tenor ever. when he sings the national anthem at swim meets i get shivers.

it's not that i can't sing. i'm decent. but i feel inadequate around my father.

emily, our intrepid blogger, wins american idol with these songs.

1. skinny love- bon iver.
2. such great heights- iron and wine.
3. rivers and roads- the head and the heart. (i hit the high note on "change". yeah buddy.)
4. tree by the river- iron and wine.

jacob and i have an embarrassing video of him playing guitar and me singing tree by the river. and i'm wearing an awkward sorority sweatshirt and i keep licking my lips between verses.


after winning american idol in the shower (yesterday i shaved to the classical radio station) and realizing how dry my mouth is, i put on something cute, decided to wear a necklace for the occasion, put a bow in my hair like usual, grabbed odd thomas and my appointment slip, and headed to the clinic.

i'm so happy it's a five minute walk. my hair took longer than i anticipated. if there's one thing i pride myself in, it's how i maintain my hair, considering.

so i walk there and i'm thinking about odd thomas frolicking around in a swimming pool with harlo landerson, which is where i left off, right at the beginning.

frolicking isn't the right word. harlo landerson has just raped and strangled penny kallisto, a twelve year old girl. odd thomas is trying to take him down and keep him down long enough to call the police.

but still. the idea of odd thomas in a swimming pool. mmmhmmm.

so i get to the clinic and the air conditioning isn't on. there's one lone woman in the waiting room. and it's sweltering. it's only seventy-two when i walk over there in my shorts and my short sleeved shirt, but i walked. so i'm warm.

i'm a sweaty person. it's gross. so i start sweating. when my mom and i do zumba together, we drip on the floor. yeup.

they call me back almost immediately, leaving odd and harlo duking it out in the pool. harlo will eventually escape, break into a house, try to use a small child named steve as a human shield, and eventually he and odd will end up throwing most of steve's worldy possessions at each other until the police arrive. odd will smash a panda lamp across harlo's head, but child rapists and murderers can't be taken down too easily, now can they. harlo landerson has a head of steel.

um. odd thomas is my favorite book. which is why i will be blogging about it tomorrow.


so they call me back into the little room where last week i got my pulse and blood pressure checked. i sit in the pulse and blood pressure chair. and i realize that i've never had blood drawn before. i've donated, sure, when my iron is high enough (i'm pretty much anemic), but i've never actually gotten it drawn for testing to make sure i don't have a weird kidney disease. or ALL. because ALL can happen.

acute lymphoblastic leukemia. i'm paranoid about it. the likeliness that i have it is next to nothing.

but i'm paranoid about it.

so it's the super nice nurse that set up my appointment there to draw my blood. i tell her that i'm absolutely starving and i would murder someone for a doughnut. she assures me that i can eat as soon as i leave, and now she wants a doughnut and she'll probably go get one on her lunch break.

then she pulls out that huge needle and i suddenly turn into chuck bartowski. and i completely freak out.

you would think i'd be kind of okay with needles. my appendix exploded when i was eight and i had five different IVs. i've donated blood. i've gotten plenty of finger prickings.

then i remembered the time that i ran screaming around my doctor's office when i was seven and two nurses had to sit on me to give me my booster shot.

good times.

so i'm looking at this needle and i'm thinking, what happened to finger pricking?

and this nurse, she has vials ready for me. vials. because they're testing like, eight of my major organs or something, all because my periods don't come when they're supposed to.

she sees the look on my face. this conversation ensues.

me: i don't like needles.
nurse: just think about something else. like a cute boy.
me: my boyfriend. he's cute.
nurse: think about him, then!
me: he's visiting me on friday, i haven't seen him since the beginning of june.
nurse: aww that's sweet. why the long wait?
me: he lives in michigan- SEKURHGSEUHGSDJKFHGDS

that was her sticking the needle in and practically exploding my vein.

i continue to talk about jacob's wonderful existence in my life through clenched teeth. i guess that fasting makes you bleed quickly or something? because there is blood just splashing into these vials. like, pumping.

it's never that fast when i donate blood.

each time that she puts in a new vial, she twists and yanks on the needle. it feels like she's just driving it deeper and deeper into my vein.

once, a nurse stabbed a needle right through my brother's vein. this is going through my head as she talks about how she goes to ivy tech so she can figure out if she wants to do something other than nursing. each time that needle twists and moves, i grind my teeth together. and i try to think about my adorable boyfriend.

when i fill all five vials for all five blood tests, she yanks that needle out, slaps some gauze on it, and tapes it, and i'm on my way. she tells me to set up my pelvic ultrasound appointment.

it was really awkward when the nurse asked me if it was trans-vaginal on the phone.

um, yes, they're going to stick a cold wand up my vagina next week. i should mentally prepare myself for this.

so my parents got blood work done the same morning. they come home from biking from ohio and i'm like, MOM I CAN'T MOVE MY ARM IT HURTS SOOOO MUCH

and she's like, huh, mine's absolutely fine.


the entire crook of my elbow is bruised. i have finally gotten to the point where i can bend my arm enough to adjust my glasses.

i don't want to sound like a complainer or anything. but i have a decently low pain tolerance. and i just really like to be able to use my right arm, since i am right handed. i couldn't pour my milk properly at lunch. and i had to read odd thomas in the most awkward positions to ensure that my arm was nice and comfortable.

it better be good by tomorrow. because my halloween swim suit came in the mail, and i am fully planning on getting in the water with my kids to test it out.

mmmm. new suit feeling.

i'll probably blog about my ultrasound and the test results. and don't worry, i'll let you know if i have acute lympoblastic leukemia.

or some weird ovarian cyst.

i'll leave you with a picture of how cute my boyfriend is.

general adorable picture on lake michigan.

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