Thursday, June 21, 2012

i may or may not be burdened with glorious purpose.

it's one of those days where i just have no idea what to blog about.

when i think about blogging, i just want to write about vaginas, losing faith in humanity, and mental health awareness.

i've done two out of three.

i just really enjoy talking about vaginas.

and you don't want to hear my rant about me losing faith in humanity. really.

i should've been born in the twenties.

so what on earth should i blog about?

here's a list of things i did today. to start with.

1. i went to work and was unreasonably tired.
2. i showered before ten o'clock. like a boss.
3. i went out to eat with my grandmother and my cousin. no vegetarian options.

do you know how hard it is to ask for something to be made without meat broth?

4. i saw the avengers for the fourth time. i think i'm finally avengered out.
5. i stuffed my face with pringles, grabbed an umbrella, and headed to my second least favorite meet of the season: pine valley.
6. i stood around while it thundered. and i watched my kids swim with growing unease. lightning and water are too good of friends for my liking.
7. i celebrated when the meet was cancelled.
8. i walked around yelling "I AM LOKI. AND I AM BURDENED WITH GLORIOUS PURPOSE."

can i be burdened with the glorious purpose to blog?

that's what this feels like.

i gotta blog.

i have no idea what to blog about.

i'm sitting here listening to ghetto rap with a dr. pepper and an empty can of pringles. alone in my house. wanting to marry mark ruffalo.

could my life be any more pathetic?


yesterday i saw this picture of loki as a girl.

it said "i am a fangirl and i am burdened with glorious feels!"

amen, cartoon picture. i am burdered with glorious feels as well.

see, everything blog worthy is going down tomorrow. not today. today i just did the same old boring thing i always do.

you know, seeing the avengers. again. eating food i shouldn't be eating. not doing the dishes.

but i haven't watched lord of the rings. or the lion king. i should get going on the two towers again. while i'm thinking about it.

but TOMORROW. tomorrow is going to be awesome. and i'll probably blog about it.


1. fun friday at work! yay!
2. i get to coach prep team. the cuteness level will spike and i will become instantly maternal and want to kidnap children. this happens to me at airports.
3. hannah and emma are coming over and we're going to bake vegan cupcakes.

for the record, i'm not a vegan. i like cheese too much. way too much.

4. my brother comes home for the weekend, leaving his horny spiders three hours behind in michigan. if he brings one back, i will kill that bastard before he can say "spider sex".

tomorrow is going to be a good day.

now i'm thinking about fun friday, which reminds me of practice this morning.

so i coach the older kids. the thirteen and overs. we have (had. shit got cancelled.) a meet tonight, so i'm expecting a big practice. since we don't have evening practice.

i get one kid. one girl.

emma and i lost the diving ring of destiny. the ring has been destroyed. wherever sauron of the diving rings is, he's dead. and his tower is gone. along with his orcs. i never saw frodo.

so anyway, i have one girl. she's a great girl. i've never coached her before, and i like her a lot. and kind of getting back to the diving ring, i found this teeny little lime green fish, and i kept it in my bag.

the fish toy of destiny? one fish to rule them all? and in the darkness bind them? right?

so i decide that this will be fun to drop in the water and have the kids find in the middle of practice. but i just have the one girl. she's not that enthused.

while she's warming up, emma and i drop the fish in the deep end. and we realize that the fish doesn't have a name, and it's just sinking to the bottom of the pool all sad, and i have this tremendous titanic moment, and that's when i realize how sad my life has been all along.

we named him sherlock after that sad incident.

so it's hot. indiana is seeing the longest and hottest drought since dinosaurs came through or something. so it's hot. it's been about ninety-seven on average the past week. so i decide to get in and do a turn seminar.

when it's just me and her in the lane, i felt like a pedophile.

humbert humbert will forever control my life.

so after practice i notice that my suit is dead. i've had it since high school, so high school and college swimming killed it. totally. the butt is saggy. it's getting thin, which makes my boobs look strangely angular and awkward. and the fabric wore out in the right strap, so everybody can see the elastic.

i'm a retired swimmer. but i needed a new swim suit.

so i got online and i got a halloween suit. because i love halloween almost as much as christmas. BECAUSE HALLOWEEN ROCKS, OKAY, STOP JUDGING ME.

now i can discuss vegetarian perils because this blog is just a hot mess and we're both on this hot mess roller coaster, yeah!

so i went out to eat with my grandma and my cousin at the noodle bowl. noodles are pretty much vegetarian friendly. i have high hopes for this restaurant. jessica raves and raves about it, i've never been there, and my grandma is excited.

we get there and i look at the menu.

see, i hate going out to eat at restaurants i've never been to before. common vegetarian fear.

fear confirmed. everything has chicken and beef or shrimp (i'm allergic) and all kinds of fun stuff.

luckily, there's a sign that says "these dishes can be made vegetarian."


so i get these japanese udon noodle stuffs with vegetables. the waitress asks me if i want tofu, but tofu weirds me out, so i say no. and then she says that the house soup is made with chicken broth.

no one can escape the ill-fated meat broth! no soup for you!

so i get a house salad. and forget to ask for no tomatoes. my entire family hates tomatoes. my daddy, being a scientist and having a masters in chemistry, knows the exact chemical that we despise. it also happens to... synthesize? when cooked.

so ketchup and tomato sauce are in. raw is out.

anyway. my grandma gets some appetizers. she gives me the egg roll because it "should" be vegetarian friendly.

when you don't know, you cut that sucker open.

out spills beef. my grandmother is confounded. but then it doesn't bother her, because in my years and years of vegetarianism, she has never prepared a vegetarian friendly meal for me in my life.

but my noodles were delicious. no chicken broth. and the broccoli was superb.

moving on with my train of thought that has nothing to do with noodles and being a vegetarian, i had this really important question that i was asking myself the other day.

if you are a man and you are engaged and your fiancee dies, are you technically a widower? or does that only happen when you're officially married?

this is a serious life question for me because odd thomas and eli newton. and this also reminds me that this morning i did the single ladies dance in the shower.

it always appropriate to do the single ladies dance in the shower.

good lord, the things that happen when i don't know what to blog about.

this is just coming out of my fingers, kids. i have no idea what's even happening anymore.

so i'm going to stop writing and watch the two towers, okay?



post script: i mean it is ALWAYS appropriate to do the single ladies dance in the shower. even when you are not a single lady.