Monday, June 25, 2012

this is for children.

okay. i could seriously blog about grocery shopping.


twice in a row.

i could. i swear i could. because my mom and i went grocery shopping again. and some hardcore stuff went down.

like, customer service, my mom yelling at some poor kroger worker, a really obese toddler, and a coupon that didn't register.


but i blogged about grocery shopping yesterday. so i'll make a list of what i did today so i can figure out what i want to blog about, even though i have a pretty good idea.

1. i got up and went to work.
2. i read odd thomas. MY FEELS. MY FEELS.
3. i eated a big cheese bagel.
4. i watched the hunchback of notre dame.
5. i went swinging with alison.
6. i watched the lion king.
7. i went hardcore grocery shopping. i will probably post about this eventually.
8. i went to work.

so. um. disney movies.



so i kind of love them. like, a lot. i mean, come on. if you've been with me on this blog for a while, you understand my complete and utter obsession with the lion king.

i have other disney movie obsessions. but the lion king kind of trumps everything i've ever been obsessed with, sooo.

and disney movies are NOT just for girls. no. they are not. when jacob and i saw black swan and i cried the entire drive home because i was so mentally unstable, it was he that suggested that we watch a disney movie.

my dad's favorite disney movie is the little mermaid. you can judge him. i don't. he also cries every time he watches up.

don't judge him for that. you know you do too. if you have a heart, you will cry when ellie dies.

because ellie is awesome. and she and carl are absolutely adorable. and i want a love as strong and as pure as theirs.

it's like america. but south.

what movies are quoted more than disney movies? honestly. try to think of one.

maybe... animal house. when appropriate. and animal house is a completely inappropriate movie.

i was playing disney trivial pursuit when i realized how many disney movies i hadn't seen. it also reinforced the idea that of the disney movies i have seen, i've seen them a lot.

today at practice emma quoted finding nemo, and you know what i realized?

these kids that i was coaching. finding nemo came out before they were born.

how's that to make you feel old?

but that's not what this is about. this is about the fact that disney movies aren't movies for kids.

they just aren't.

at least not for kids to understand.

my biggest prime example is the lion king. and i know everything about the lion king. i am the authority on the lion king.

wow. i love how vain that was.

okay. so we're going with the lion king. i'm going to go all lion king obsessed english major and give you some themes.

1. MURDER. specifically in the form of regicide/fratricide.
2. exile.
3. blame and shame and guilt in a big happy burrito.

for those of you that don't think that scar is the worst disney villain, i'm sorry. but scar is, as far as i know, the only disney villain that has actually succeeded in his murderous plans, single-handedly demolished a child's childhood and future, and then destroyed his entire kingdom.

this is not a children's movie. children do not understand exactly what simba is feeling. he spends most of his life believing that he's responsible for his dad's death. and you know what, mufasa is the light of simba's life. mufasa is everything to him, and he lives in exile, believing that he ended the only good thing in his life.

and scar is over in the pridelands destroying everything the communist way. oh please. goose-stepping hyenas and rising underneath a communist crescent? you can tell this is 1994.

oh disney, you thought we wouldn't notice.

and mufasa dying was probably like, the most traumatic part of your disney childhood, wasn't it?

i am twenty-one years old and i still scream MUFASAAAAAA every time scar murders him. murders him.

this is not children material. roger ebert agrees with me. the lion king is not a kids' movie. we can sing hakuna matata and love the characters, but this is hamlet with cats. murdering, scheming, cats that kill their brothers for power and demolish kingdoms and exile nephews who will forever live with guilt and shame.

i didn't understand any of that when i was a kid.

so today i was watching the hunchback of notre dame. i was kind of on a disney singer kick, because i believe that gaston and clopin are the two most underrated disney singers ever.

seriously, listen to gaston go "i'm especially good at expectorating" and you'll understand. the man can sing.

and clopin. listen to that high note.


that sounds about right to me.

after i watched hunchback, i read roger ebert's review. he said he was worried, and he has the right to be. i've never read the book, but quasimodo is deaf, mute, has red eyes, is completely unruly, and for all i know, could possibly eat people. he's definitely not the nice tender quasi that disney gives us.

in the book, frollo's a pretty good guy. phoebus is the antagonist.

disney gives us a good phoebus and a bad frollo.

i think what makes this movie not a kids' movie, again, is the theme. it's one of the few disney movies that's decently driven by religion, and that's not a bad thing. it's part of the time period. they're merely being accurate to history.

but does anybody notice at the beginning that frollo is about to throw a baby into a well?

half of frollo's awesome appeal is tony jay, god rest his soul. that man has the voice of a villain. and what a villain he is.

there's nothing scary about quasimodo, and roger ebert agrees. we get used to his face and his misshapen-ness, and he has a certain charm. we love him. he's great. he's such a nice guy.

with frollo raising him, how did that happen?

"shall we review your alphabet today?"

"d- damnation. e- ETERNAL damnation."

the worst part of the movie, for me at least, is the festival of fools. i love the song topsy turvy (because clopin can sing, man. he can SING.) and i love esmerelda dancing. she's a lovely dancer. she's a beautiful character to watch. she's spirited.

she's a badass woman.

but i cannot for the life of me watch the people of paris tie down quasimodo and throw food at him. i just can't. they choke him. they spin him. they break a watermelon on his back.

this is true human cruelty. mob mentality. and it just makes me feel shameful, inadequate, human, powerless. i cry when i watch this scene.

i just can't handle it. i don't know if children can either. maybe they can't.

but i certainly can't.

red. hooded. creepy.
and oh man, the song "hell fire". it's a gorgeous song. tony jay, preach it, brother. but oh my goodness, frollo running around with faceless red hooded figures chanting in latin, and him practically screaming about burning esmerelda alive and the spell that she's cast on him?

goodness gracious, disney. that song is terrifying.

i will give hunchback credit for having a fantastic message. it has a wonderful message about hope and beauty being within and friendship. it's a great movie.

but it used to scare me as a child. seriously. it did. frollo is menacing. and so are his personal demons. and he was seriously going to drop a baby into a well. and let's not forget that he sets a house on fire. with a man, woman, child, and baby inside.

yesterday i watched beauty and the beast on VHS. that was exciting. it also has a beautiful and fantastic message, but there are two wolf attacks. a gigantic ax that glints in the moonlight.

and you know, a gigantic mob marching through the woods yelling "KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!" with knives and swords and guns and axes and pitchforks and god knows what else. mob mentality strikes again.

creepy gargoyles. stabbing. scary rooms with portraits that have scary eyes. and you know, gaston falls into an abyss. because that's okay.

but this is the part where i praise disney. YAY DISNEY!

disney has this uncanny ability to make "everybody" movies. the lion king and the hunchback of notre dome are not children's movies. but they are movies that can be enjoyed by children.

but the best part is they can be enjoyed by adults too. they have just enough oomf, humor, what have you, to get you through it and to have you enjoy it.

like i said, my dad's favorite disney movie is the little mermaid. he looooves that movie.

i personally love the adult humor. especially in aladdin and beauty and the beast.

jafar to jasmine: speechless, i see. a fine quality in a wife.

oh disney, you didn't.

oh yes we did.

um. i love disney a lot. but seriously, there are some parts that just aren't for children.

like that. i was never okay with that as a child.

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