Wednesday, June 20, 2012

real person time.

i don't remember my definition of a real person.

something about being in charge of a house. having a job. working. doing the dishes.

ya know. being a real person.


my brother is up at alma researching horny spiders for the summer. and my parents left on sunday to go bike down the east coast or something.

not harley bike. lance armstrong bike. my parents are beasts.

so i'm all alone in my rather big house (it seems big because of the two story ceiling. don't let it deceive you.) being a real person.

and today, for the first time in the four days i've been home alone, i did real person things! and now i get to tell you about them!


so this morning i woke up for work and i just couldn't get out of bed. that's a bad way to start a real person day. i mean a responsible day. because it's been a real person week.

i got excited when i got to work. because i gave my lovely high schoolers a nasty kick set that involved sprinting and ploughing. you don't have to know what that means. but i certainly wouldn't do it myself, and if i don't want to do it myself, i give it to my children.


emma and i are still talking about the avengers. i need to see it a fourth time. which, by the way, i am.


go ahead. JUDGE ME.

so after work, i have a "well woman" exam at eleven forty. i can walk to the office because my house just happens to be behind the building. i'm nervous about this well woman exam. when i set up the appointment online, i clicked the little button that said "papsmear."

ladies. you understand why i was nervous. my mother says it's better after having children.

i have no children.

so i have this idea. i water the plants. by now it's nine forty in the morning. i can do my social media-ing until ten, shower, and then do the dishes and start my laundry. all before my appointment.

1. i water the plants.
2. i get on tumblr until ten.
3. i watch lord of the rings until eleven.

day six of my lord of the rings binge. das wassup.

so i take a fast shower and i sing "such great heights" (with iron and wine emphasis. not the postal service.) like i'm about to win american idol, and then i quickly change, stick a bow in my hair, and walk down to the health clinic.

i fill out some paper work. i pull harry potter and the sorcerer's stone out of my purse. because i carry a harry potter book with me just about everywhere i go.

then it's blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen intake, blah blah blah, with a nurse, and then i'm left to wait. on an exam table.

and then my new doctor comes in, and she's the happiest most awesome woman i've ever seen in my life. she walks right up, shakes my hand, and she's like, girl get off that exam table, sit in that chair and let's just chat about your irregular periods.

oh, yes. i hope this doesn't get awkward for you.

so we spend like, twenty minutes talking about my period. because that's always a fun topic. i found that i can talk a lot about my period. see, when you're an athlete, having an irregular period is fine.

i'm not an athlete anymore. shouldn't that have worked itself out?

so she tells me that she's not concerned, i don't need birth control and have rush limbaugh call me a slut, fine and dandy.

her exact words are: i'm not concerened about it, emily.

this is what happens next.

"okay, we'll schedule an appointment because i want to run some tests. i want to check your thyroid, your liver function and your kidney function, and then we'll do a test just to make sure you don't have excess DHEA running around, but i feel like if you did, you'd be a lot hairier than you are. once those blood tests are done, we'll send you over to the hospital for a full pelvic ultrasound to make sure that everything going on in there is all fine and dandy."

i'm not concerned about it, emily. you sound concerned, doctor.

so now next tuesday, i'm checking my liver, my kidneys, some weird horomone that may or may not turn into estrogen, and she wants to make sure that i actually have ovaries. and she's not concerned.

the more she talked, the more messed up i felt. so it's cool that i only have eight periods a year instead of fourteen, but we're going to make sure that everything is absolutely spiffy.

and that i have functioning kidneys. i feel like i'd know if i don't have kidneys. that function.

but then somebody told me that they had strange ovarian cysts that were like... bigger than their ovaries. that can happen.


so then my new doctor seemed very interested in my back pain. i had to put my spinal injection down for surgery since it was technically outpatient surgery. she went through all the motions of "raise your leg does it hurt back if so where lie down let me check your spinal alignment touch your toes where does it hurt". and then she asked if my bone scan, my three x-rays, and my MRI yielded any results.

uh, nope. nobody fixed my back.

so then she frowns reeeal deep and she says, and i quote, "i'm going to write ONE and demand to see your MRI report."

then she says i may have some weird thing with a long name that basically means i have an extra nerve hanging out in my spinal fluid that's attached to my spinal cord.

thanks. i'm so comforted.

it was a good appointment. even though now i'm terrified out of my mind.

oh, and i never got a papsmear.

not gonna complain about that.

i got back from my appointment at one and i snarfed a cheese bagel. and then here was what i was going to do.

1. start my laundry.
2. do the dishes.
3. bake cupcakes.
4. go grocery shopping for vitamin water.

here's what i did.

1. started my laundry.
2. thought about doing dishes.
3. thought about baking cupcakes.
4. watched lord of the rings.
5. took a nap.

after my nap i ate some dinner. lamented about the cupcakes. thought about writing in my therapist journal. wondered when i would bake cupcakes. worried about baking cupcakes.

went grocery shopping.

today was the last day for kroger's ultimate vitamin water sale.

my mother: you can buy fifteen. it's ten for ten and get five free with our plus card! that's a value of about sixty-seven cents per bottle!

my mother should be on extreme couponing if she didn't have a day job as a teacher.

so i set off before work. i'm wearing a knit dress that i bought at forever 21 when i was sixteen because it's ninety-five degrees out and all of my shorts are in the dryer. i was about... five inches shorter than i am now when i was sixteen.

basically, this dress is skimpy. but it's too hot to put on leggings. and my definition of skimpy is probably different than yours, because i'm the most modest person that i know. i don't even really like bikinis.

so i'm in the kroger parking lot and i'm holding down my dress because it's windy. and i grab one of those small cute carts and i set off. and there's a ton of people shopping, and i just feel... awkward. in this summer dress that i feel barely covers my ass.

the vitamin water is nowhere to be found.

i finally locate the juice and sports drink aisle. perfect place for vitamin water, right?


by now i'm talking to myself. i'm gripping the cart and talking to myself. and i run into this kroger guy with butt-length blond hair. he's clutching a monster and looks like he's on break.

i don't care. i want my damn vitamin water.

so i run up to him and i'm like, oh hey, where the hell is the vitamin water.

and he says, oh it's up in aisle five with the nutrition stuff.

aisle five is beans. yummm. nutritious canned beans.

it's in the middle of the aisle in some big crate. i start grabbing them and counting in spanish. people are staring at me. i'm just piling these things into my cart and then i shout QUINCE! and some old guy looks at me funny. and he clearly is thinking that my dress does not cover my ass.

it did. i swear. it DID.

so i get in the check-out line and i'm putting bottle after bottle on the belt. the cashier is about my age and he's staring at me. then i have to find my mom's car keys because that's where my plus card is. i swear, it's like, the size of my fingernail. he manages to scan it, and when i go to open my wallet to get out my credit card, my three avengers tickets fall out.

welcome to my life.

the cashier laughs and tells me that i'm getting a great deal. i tell him i really really like vitamin water.

while i walk away trying to find my car keys and pushing my cart full of vitamin water, i feel like the entire store is just watching me and judging me.

when will i ever become good at grocery shopping? how did my mother learn the art of it?

on the way out, i couldn't hold my dress down properly when the wind blew. yep. that happened.

being a real person sucks.

when i have my own apartment, i'm never going to do the dishes or remember to run the dish washer. i'll forget to water my plants. i'll never be good at grocery shopping.

and i won't be doing it in a forever 21 knit dress again, i can tell you that.

i think i'll do the dishes tomorrow. sounds like a plan.


  1.'s creepy that I was listening to Such Great Heights as I came across the line "I took a fast shower and sang Such Great Heights," isn't it?

    Or just awesome.

  2. Grocery shopping takes some practice. It works much better with 2 people.

  3. i just hate grocery shopping alone. I FEEL THE JUDGMENT.