Saturday, June 9, 2012

well, that was awkward.

before i begin today's post, i want to let you know a few things.

1. i just drank my first ever real margarita.
2. i drank it while watching monsters inc.
3. this may or may not be classy.
4. monsters inc. is a very undercredited movie, and i believe it is one of pixar's masterpieces.

since i've now had alcohol on two occasions in my entire life, i have a feeling that i'm a lightweight. i was totally envisioning having one margarita and starting this post with "i may or may not be slightly buzzed" and seeing where it went from there, but alas, four ounces of tequila in a whole margarita mix plus me only have one margarita in a small martini glass does not get me anywhere decently unsettled.

now on to the post.

last night i was on facebook chat with my boyfriend jacob. during the summer our relationship is long distance; he lives in michigan, i live in indiana, it's sad, we skype only when i bake, blah blah blah, etc. etc., he sends me pictures of animals playing banjos to make me happy.

we were discussing awkward moments. jacob has a stance that goes something like this: it's only awkward if you make it.

if that's true, i make every single thing in my life awkward.

the doctor's. the dentist. random dance recitals. life.

so i'm telling jacob that i want a harry potter themed wedding (THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.) and he says, "well remember how that one themed wedding turned out?"


the idea of me blogging about this wedding while slightly buzzed on tequila is very appealing to me. but i'm not so sure that i liked tequila.

jacob: just don't be... too crass.

me: i'm crass? oh. i'm crass.


i will now title this The Awkward and Amazing Themed Wedding of 2011.

so i love weddings. i absolutely love them. i was a bridesmaid for the first time when i was nineteen, and i loved every minute of it. funnily enough, i wasn't one of those girls that planned her wedding when i was little, but now i'm spending more and more time thinking about it.

serious relationships do that to you.

so i'm spending the weekend at jacob's in michigan and he says, hey my friend garrett (or was it grant? garrett. um.) is getting married and i can take a guest, want to go?

well sure. i pack a new summer dress and two pairs of shoes in case one doesn't look right, extra hairspray, and my black bow. so ready for this wedding.

the wedding is a little over halfway between jacob's house and alma. it's cool outside. gray. misty. generally unhappy. i'm driving jacob's (now) eighteen year old escort station wagon named algernon. that's the importance of being earnest algernon, not flowers. i've only been driving a stick for about... two months. and i'm taking it over a hundred miles. this is a big deal.

algernon, being old and relatively feeble on the inside (the heat works in the summer. the air conditioning in the winter), the defroster wasn't doing much. jacob's never heard of rainex. (if you haven't, GET IT.) so when we merge onto the highway, i can't see anything. i'm trying to put this car in fifth gear and the window is so fogged and it's raining so hard that i cannot see a thing and i start to panic and cry.

the defroster works. we don't die. we get up to highway speed. and we pretend that we're heading to alma. and of course, we eat licorice.

after a fun hour and a half in algernon eating licorice and feeling fancy in our wedding clothes, we find the church in the middle of nowhere. we park in the grass because the small parking lot is full, and we head inside just a few minutes early.

there was one particular thing that jacob forget to mention about this wedding.

it was renaissance themed.

the bridesmaids were wearing traditional renaissance dresses with their hair done up in flowers. each bridesmaid had on a different color. there was a renaissance band playing pipe music at the front of the sanctuary. the groom was wearing boots and a cape.

jacob and i took seats in the back and took everything in. we looked for friendly faces and we quickly realized something as the wedding processional began to renaissance flute music and tambourine: the only person we knew at the entire wedding was the groom.

1. we didn't know the bride.
2. we didn't know any of the wedding party.
3. we didn't know any of the guests.

the wedding itself was lovely. it was a very traditional wedding. the wedding song was "at last i see the light" from tangled, which was awesome, because i was still in my big tangled phase. the ushers were dressed in renaissance garb too, and they lead us out row by row.

leaving our row for last.

we were expecting food, but instead we got in line at a little table that had baby carrots, celery, and those little catered mini hotdogs and sausages. jacob and i, both being vegetarians, weren't very interested in that, so we each got a small plate of carrots and dip.

we hadn't eaten lunch. we should've.

by the time we got to the reception area, there wasn't a table for us to sit at. everybody that we didn't know stared at us as we tried to find a place to sit. we eventually sat down next to a big guy with a beard and his family. he shook our hands, and we introduced ourselves to him and to his sons, all of whom had very interesting and old-timey biblical names.

we devoured our carrots. hung out with bearded guy's family. tried not to be awkward. wanted more food but couldn't get any. then we came up with our plan.

on the pretext of getting more food, we would use the bathroom, and then sneak out. nobody would know. it wasn't that we genuinely didn't want to leave, but we'd congratulated the groom, eaten some carrots, and pushed our company on a bearded guy and his family. it was time for us to split.

we excused ourselves. said we were getting more food. found the bathroom. while i was peeing, the bridesmaids walked in and started stripping out of their renaissance dresses.

i met jacob in the foyer and we snuck out of the church and ran back to his car.

i had left the headlights on and his battery was dead. the car wouldn't start.

so what did we do?

we went BACK into the church and asked bearded guy for a jump. we told him that we had another place to be, and that's why we were ditching so early.

he gave us a jump. bearded guy was really cool.

so we drove to alma and got ice cream with my roommate who does summer research. in our wedding clothes.

this was my first time in what is the "new" stucchi's, formally known as college corner at the corner of campus. they had real food besides stucchi's ice cream, and we loked at their menu.

they named the vegetarian panini the "veggini."

please. take a moment. let that sink in.

oh stucchi's.
their philly corndog is called "the big willy."

again. take a moment. let that sink in.

we're pretty sure that this is done on purpose. especially the sign that says "TAKE A BITE OUT OF OUR BIG WILLY!"

when i ordered my veggini, i did not say veggini. i said, "um... i want THAT." and i pointed to it.

so we had a nice ice cream with mariah while jacob's battery recovered. we parked at zeta, since that's where my car is supposed to park, and when we were leaving, we saw my brother coming back from the grocery.

his expression: DA FUQ R U DOIN' IN ALMA?

his words: see above.

so i got out and gave him a big hug and he was like, "why aren't you in indiana why are you wearing a dress did you eat stucchi's why don't you visit me"


and then i drove jacob's stick all the way back to allegan. and then we told his parents about the wedding.

then we watched up.

because up is another pixar masterpiece.

just... pixar. i just love pixar.

and so that's the story of the awkward themed wedding.

jacob: still want a harry potter themed wedding after remembering that?

me: muggle.

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