Monday, June 20, 2011

just push that button right there.

i am proud to say that i, emily hollenberg, have entered the world of modern technology.

you already know that i've never had cable except in my dorm room, and even then i don't watch anything but network TV.

the teeny TV in my bedroom here at my house has a VCR. i've got the lion king looped. for my birthday i actually got a DVD player, so i've had the luxury of watching DVDs on my little television. i was so excited i almost had an asthma attack. i could watch criminal minds and chuck on my TV. it was so incredibly legit.

i get unnecessarily excited. it's a personality flaw. and it's highly annoying. i apologize to any of my readers who have to deal with it.

but my DVD player wasn't my move into the world of modern technology. i thought that my laptop that i got for graduation was because it had windows seven and we actually have wireless in my house.

no, today, i got a touchscreen cell phone.

yes. i told you that i'd blog about this in my last blog. go ahead and judge. i'm just true to my word.

i'm going to start off blogging about cell phones like this.

i absolutely HATE kids who have cells phones. you do not need a cell phone until you can drive. you have no reason to have a cell phone. i think once you hit age fifteen, then it's fine. but if you're twelve, there's no need for you to be buying apps at the app store. play outside like i did when i was a kid. get in touch with nature. and especially if you're under the age of fifteen, you sure as hell do not need an iphone or an adroid. what on EARTH could you possibly do with a phone that nice and expensive if you're just finishing up elementary school?

i'm touchy about this. this is because i didn't get a cell phone until i was seventeen.

yeah that's right. seventeen.

and i didn't get a nice slide phone with a keyboard like my friends got. no, i got a teeny little flip phone from walmart. honest to god, my dad bought it at walmart for twenty dollars. the payment plan on it is beautiful, however. it's a prepaid tracfone, and my dad bought me a set number of minutes i can use. calling is one minute, receiving a call is one minute, and then the number of minutes the call actually is. sending a text is a third of a minute, receiving is a third. i thought maybe, now that i had a cell phone, i could text and be like all the cool kids who had cool phones. i could make my lame phone cool.

no, that wasn't the plan. my cell phone was for emergencies. i got 300 minutes. for an entire year.

if you had my phone, you'd spend that in about... a week. just texting.

i didn't upgrade every year. as soon as a new phone comes out, i know people who go get them. i got to stuck with my little walmart phone (i named him simon, obviously after simon from lord of the flies) for three entire years. so when people complained about having an old phone and how they needed a new one, i felt no sympathy. when people whined about how they didn't have a touchscreen and their keyboard was so ungodly lame, i felt no sympathy. maybe i'm mean. but i just didn't care.

i liked simon. i really did. he was extremely resilient. if you want a phone for LIFE, get a tracfone, because they will not break. honestly. i threw simon out of a two story window and he doesn't have a scratch, bump, bruise, or dent. he is still one hundred percent functional.

functionally, i had no need to upgrade my phone. now that i have two jobs, my dad buys me more minutes because i expect phone calls that aren't just emergencies, and as i said, simon was fully functional. but i was really feeling the pain when suddenly all of my friends had iphones and adroids. or at least touchscreen phones that had internet connections.

when tracfone came out with a touchscreen phone that could connect to the internet for fifty bucks, i pounced on that like a lion takes down a wounded gazelle. so in other words... terrifically.

i bought the phone with my own money. i spent an entire week awaiting it. when it came, it was very anticlimactic. in my head, i had this terrific vision of the doorbell ringing, me screaming OMG MY PHONE IS HEREEE and epically leaping down the stairs and throwing up the front door to sign the package over from the nice fedex man. and then i would run upstairs, rip open the box, and activate my new touchscreen phone and send my very first mobile tweet.

what actually happened was this: i was taking a well deserved nap and didn't hear the doorbell ring. my mother signed over the package, took it upstairs, and dropped it on my head.

i woke up enough to say, is that my phone? then shoved the package off of my bed and slept for another hour and a half.

after dinner i activated it, transferred my old number, all my contacts, figured out which little apps i wanted to have displayed on my screen, and took a few pictures for my wallpaper. then i sent my first tweet, was rather alarmed and how many airtime minutes it cost me just to connect to the internet, and then i went to work like a good working college girl.

i have joined the world of technology. i have tweeted from a mobile device. i have mastered the art of touchscreen scrolling. i can pull out my phone and be proud of it.

but does this mean that i'm going to use my phone for every little thing and constantly be bending over it like everybody else on the planet? absolutely not.

i am very proud about the fact that i am extremely cell phone independent.

I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN. and i love my new phone.

rest in peace, simon. you were a good phone. but all good things come to an end.

post script: i will probably alert you when i have named my new phone. naming things is another personality flaw. i have a lot of those.

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