Monday, June 24, 2013

emily blogs about her long-ass day.


last night i had a dream that i was in london with my friend santino, who for some reason i was calling dave, and we were going to the opera together.

this is something santino and i would actually do.

when my alarm went off at 6:44 and my phone yelled WERK WERK WERK at me i realised that i was not, in fact, in london, nor was i with santino.

both of these things made me incredibly sad. and i knew it was gonna be a long-ass day.


this morning was one of those mornings where my dad and i ate breakfast in silence. i hadn't woken up enough to speak to him and he was busy reading about that snowden guy hiding out in sketchy countries after this whole NSA scandal, which i know nothing about, really.

my excuse for not keeping up with american news is the fact that i want to live in england.

but really, i should pay attention to stuff like this. since i'm kind of an adult now.

anyway, my dad was just lounging around drinking his coffee and i was eating stale lucky charms like a zombie. not like, BLARGH I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF I'M IN THE WALKING DEAD zombie but like

i do not have a brain with which to function. i do not have the capacity to understand how stale these marshmallows in my lucky charms actually are. so i will continue eating them in silence.

that kind of zombie.

my mom got me a bunch of cereal because i really like cereal. at alma i eat it during every single meal. so she got me a bunch of boxes of cheerios. last year, when i moved out of my room and home for the summer, i found eleven empty boxes.

so cheerios are a thing that i enjoy eating.

this school year, i didn't eat as much cereal, at least not in my room. so i had all this extra cereal that i brought home before i went to england last month, and my mom put it in the pantry.

it is stale as hell.

so this morning i was eating really stale lucky charms and just not ready for the day because i had dreamt that i was back in london, and i had woken up in indiana.

this was not okay with me.

when i finished eating breakfast, i was able to ask my dad what "asylum" meant politically to understand a little bit about why snowden was heading to moscow or wherever he's headed to evade our military, and then i had the worst gas bubble of my life.

have you ever had a gas bubble that just suffocates all of your organs and makes your ribs crack and you just can't move without wheezing and wanting to die?

i hope to god not. but that was me this morning.

so i limped out to my car to head to work at seven ten and twisting around to back out of my garage was like, the worst thing evarrrrr.

i got to work and hannah and emma were walking around like zombies like me, although zombies without gas bubbles. emma and i made olan rogers "it's a monday" signs at each other and we yawned. we found four frogs in the pool and managed to get three of them out, but not before my frog escaped my clutches and hopped into the bushes before i could lob him over the fence onto the golf course.

yes, at work, it is common practise for the twins and i to hurtle frogs over a fence before eight in the morning.

in fact, we do that every single day.

please don't call PETA or anything. we're rescuing them for a highly chlorinated pool and just... making sure they get onto the golf course.

most of first practise was spent laughing hysterically at parker's whale noises that he makes when i make him do breath control sets. since it was monday and i felt like my organs were dying, i wasn't taking any crap from my kids and i gave them the hardest set i could think of: a joe bottom.

unless you have swum at alma college, this will mean nothing to you, and i really don't feel like explaining it. so just know that it's hard and that you don't want to do it.

second practise was spent with emma and i being frustrated with ten year olds that didn't listen when we told them to do breaststroke drill. i also spent the entire practise with my shorts up as high as i could wear them, which was about... up to my ribs.

i looked kind of like this.

except i had on my new swim suit, which is AWESOME, by the way.

it looks like this.


the first time i wore it in the water i found myself surrounded by hungry eight year olds that were screaming about cheesecake. i have never been more afraid in my life, including that time i watched three episodes of american horror story in a row.

after work i made my brother drag his ass out of bed to go work out with me. i hadn't really worked out since thursday, and i was feeling bad about it.

i decided that it's essential that i get in shape this summer so that i can have the motivation to stay in shape over the school year. it's a gigantic pain in the butt, telling myself i need to go to the YMCA every day after work and ride the bike for forty minutes and then do an ab work out upstairs on the track.

but i'm doing it, and i'm honestly quite proud of myself.

i rode the bike next to this really old guy that was pumping it hard on level fourteen. my cross country predetermined stationary bike route had me at level fourteen for two intervals maybe... three times. but this guy kept plugging away and gazing at the TV showing "who wants to be a millionaire?" like it was going to make him rich if he kept going.

i stuck mumford and sons in my ears and rode hard. when i looked up at the TV to the left, it was an hour-long infomercial about insanity.

even though i pumped it out on level eighteen with my head buried for three solid minutes, i felt like a dweeb. because of that stupid insanity infomercial.

i consoled myself by reminding myself that i have a bulging disk in my upper back, my neck is currently out of alignment, i recently tore my meniscus, and i have a spinal nerve disorder in my lower spine.

which is why i can only ride the recumbent bike. so i'll ride the hell out of it.

when i went up the track to do my cool down walking laps and my short ab work out, there were these three burly guys doing intense abs on the mat.

there was totally room for like... five people. if they hadn't been spaced out awkwardly.

this is why we can't have nice things.

it reminded me forcibly of high school where you're trying to get to class and people walk three-people wide down the hallway and they take up the whole damn thing. and you can't squeeze through them because they're too close. and you're just like, seriously why i have places to go.

this still happens in college, by the way.

one of the buff sweaty dudes left without wiping his sweat off the mat, so i did that for him. and i did my little ab work out and still felt like a dweeb because the guy next to me was going to get an instant six-pack with the way he was going.

i then lounged around in my work out clothes for like... two hours.

my parents got home from their bike ride and i went downstairs.

me: yo mom i gotta go to target.
my mother: take me with you, i want to see if they have red camis.
me: sounds good. i should probably shower...
my mother: you look fine. you don't need to shower. go all nasty.
me: (singing) LIVIN' ON THE EDGEEEEE

i did end up showering. but not until like... two in the afternoon.

my mom and i went to target and i bought more shorts that aren't boxer shorts for swim meets and general professional ventures since i'm kind of an adult and i can't get away with only wearing boxers in the summer. my mom got lost looking for snack foods to take on vacation to oregon next week, and i spent a really long time looking at the two foot spoon that i've been wanting to buy for a year.



my mother caught up with me and mercilessly made fun of me for wanting a giant spoon in my apartment.

but then again, she was the one who told me the poem i wrote about spoons in ninth grade was really really good. and it's a published poem, so i guess that's legit.

halfway home from target we realised that we forgot to look at ant traps because my dad found a bunch of ants in our pantry, which is never awesome, so we drove to the hardware store, which always smells like oil.

you wouldn't think that my mom would get distracted in a hardware store, but she can. she made a beeline for the gardening supplies and then started looking at flags.

we have a flagpole on our porch. and we always fly a flag. like, always. when people need directions to my house i'm always like, "it's the one with the seasonal flag."

my mom never put out the summer flag. she's left the american flag up from memorial day, and now it's too close to the fourth of july to change it back.

i want to fly my union jack, but she won't do it.

we then bought ant traps and wasp killer because we have a hornet's nest lurking near our roof. my mom forgot her reading glasses so i spent five minutes standing in the insect aisle reading the directions for wasp killer surrounded by pictures of scary wasps and spiders.

do spider killer sprays have to be covered in huge pictures of spiders? like, why is that a thing?

when we got back from the hardware store, i was like, so i'm totally going to finish reading my book and then make a dent in my new pile of books and it'll be so awesome because reading is the shit.

reading IS this shit.

but netflix got the better of me.

arthur is on netflix. i was excited until i saw... the barney movie. 

i know, right?

i clicked it. went to a random part halfway through the movie. was promptly terrified. screamed a little bit. turned on merlin.

never mind that i've seen all of merlin and i should be working my way through doctor who. i just wanted to look at colin morgan.

did i tell you that when i was in england i saw him perform at the globe and i was literally a foot and a half away from him? i stood in the rain for three hours watching him perform.

i didn't tell you? oh. well now i did.

i was almost the creepy person that reached up on stage to touch him. i mean, i was really close to doing it.

but i didn't want to be that person.

my long-ass day is not over. i have ten minutes until i leave for evening practise, where i'll coach for an hour.

then i'm going to come home hot and tired and angsty and i'm going to watch the fifth episode of game of thrones and live tweet the crap out of it.

then my long-ass day will be over. and i will have blogged about it.

(my mother wanted me to blog about the weird people she saw at target when she was in the cheesepuff aisle. but i wasn't in the cheesepuff aisle with her. i was looking at my giant spoon and hungering for it. BUT IT'S TWENTY-FOUR BUCKS.)


1 comment:

  1. That is definitely something we would actually do. Maybe including calling me Dave ;)