Thursday, June 20, 2013

the three part day: stalking, swords, and lasers.

once again, i'm on a schedule. this'll be short and sweet.

the season finale of hannibal is on at ten. it's nine oh three.

my mother is also downstairs and she's upset with me because there's not enough time to watch the second episode of game of thrones before hannibal and she wants to play trouble with me instead.

so i am missing a fun family game to blog for you, dear reader.

all right. let's get cracking. this is a three parter and let's just get into it, yeah? YEAH!


i've decided to get my life together. and by that i mean i've started to actually utilise my membership at the YMCA and i work out five times a week.

i didn't work out yesterday because i went to work without my knee brace and my healing meniscus was like, LOL TIME TO RUIN YOUR DAY AND HAVE YOUR KNEE SWELL UP TO TWICE ITS NORMAL SIZE!

so i iced it and took a nice nap. which was awesome.

today i was going to make up my lost time. so i jumped on a recumbent bike and i worked.

i always worry that people are judging me for breathing super hard and sweating everywhere. i'm a sweaty person. and i have asthma.

i'm also working out, so i feel like it's totally fly that i'm sweating and breathing heavily. isn't that the point?


after my work out, i walk twice around the track, then i sit down on the mats and stretch. then i do my small ab workout which involves crunches, push ups, and planks. then i walk around the track again.

my first two times around the track i notice this kid. he's like... twelve. maybe thirteen. wearing jean shorts (tip off that he's not here to exercise) and a camo shirt. he's walking behind me.

which is cool. we're on a track. nothing wrong with walking behind me.

after my two laps i plop myself down on the mat and start to stretch out my legs before my abs. he gives me this really long, kind of calculated look and then goes down the stairs to stand by the trophies, which is where my brother is hanging out, waiting for me to finish. the mat is on a landing, so i can see right down to the first floor where my brother is.

i stretch. do my crunches. turn around for my push ups and look up.

this kid is staring at me. while i'm doing my push ups.

i finish my abs. i'm kind of concerned. i mean, i'd be really concerned if it was a guy my age, a guy bigger than me, or an adult. (yay rape culture!) but i'm still concerned mostly because i'm twenty-two and this kid is obviously in middle school.

i finish my abs and walk around the track. i hear someone behind me. i think it's a runner, so i turn around to let them pass.

the kid is back on the track. following me.

it was creepy. and not at all okay.

i reasoned he was after my ass. i mean, i have a decent ass. it's not the greatest ass of all time, but i've been told by a few people that it's pretty nice. and i was wearing neon shorts.

but even if i have a nice ass and i'm wearing neon shorts, no matter who you are or how old you are, you don't have the right to creepily follow me around while i finish my work out at a public gym.

in short, don't follow me. or anyone. it's weird. (even if they have a nice ass.)


right. so i finally got into game of thrones.

and by that i mean we got my dad the first season on DVD because my parents like it and they've read all the books.

i don't do that genre. so don't try to get me to read them. i fell asleep reading lord of the rings, what makes you think i'm going to get through the books?

but as an english major and avid reader, i do understand the importance of the books. and how they're so much better.

but it's just not my genre, okay?

so after lunch, my mom and i head down to the basement. she wants to watch it again. we curl up on our basement couches which are actually from the fifties and turn on our surround sound, which is incredible. i open up my laptop.

my mother: put that away.
me: i need to live tweet.
my mother: i'll tell you when to close your eyes.
me: mom, you don't need to do that.
my mother: there's lots of boobs. and sex. and beheadings.
me: mom, i know. i've seen worse.
my mother: where?

so it started off with this douche on a horse and i was like, man i really hope he dies which is a terrible thing to think about a person that only has like, five lines in the entire show, but he died and i was pretty happy.

and then i was like, which stark is which stark besides sean bean stark? which stark is not a stark because he's a snow? what is everyone's name? WINTER IS COMING?! COLD!

and then sean bean was like, "let my ten year old son be a man as he watches while i slice this guy's head off cleanly with my big-ass sword of doom!"

it was a very clean cut. swords don't work like that. i know my english history and how many people got beheaded in the name of religion, and trust me, you cannot cleave off a dude's head that cleanly, no matter how fancy your sword is.


the blonde haired people that married the scary half naked warrior people were being totally creepy. the older brother was like, let me just examine your naked body, sister, and tell you how much like a woman you are, and i don't care if the entire dothraki army rapes you as long as i get my crown and then the queen and her brother... well...

my dad and i argued about what kind of sex they were having. i'll leave it at that.

and of course, when the orgy happened, peter dinklage was involved.

live tweets:

@emilyyxh: are they disembowling people to see who gets to have anal with this warrior girl at this wedding right now?
@emilyyxh: the queen just asked ned's daughter about her period. lolz.
@emilyyxh: BRAN YOU PERV

i'm pretty stoked for the next episode.

death. sex. boobs. disembowlment. swords. war. cute direwolves.

i can get into this.


today, instead of having evening practise, we had team-wide laser tag as a fundraiser for our team. five thirty to eight thirty, unlimited laser tag and two pieces of pizza. for ten bucks.

my boss paid for me. so that was legit.

i figured, since i'm a coach, i should wear my coaching shirt. so i did.

the twins didn't. neither did parker.

hannah and emma showed up in matching black shirts and black shorts. twins. parker was wearing a black shirt. (hannah looked like a serious badass with her laser gun.)

i was wearing blue shorts and my blue coaching shirt and blue shoes and my blue purse and was just basically doing fifty shades of blue.

kids kept coming. kids upon kids. and their parents. and more kids. and their siblings. and more kids.

and then we were swept into a room with a dude that told us all the rules.

hold your laser with both hands. don't run. hit people in their vests. destroy the bases. don't climb on stuff.

then i was out into the world wearing a laser tag vest pack and i had a glowing gun and i was expected to shoot children.

it was actually pretty legit. i pretended that i was sarah walker from chuck, out to shoot people. i'm not a violent person, but i thought i looked pretty cool. upon destroying the red team's base, one of our prep swimmers, a little girl named izzie who was about six, started to cry that people kept shooting her. so hannah and her stuck together and i let her shoot me a couple of times.

this is what i get paid to do.

i ended up playing three games instead of seven because

1. i was exhausted. laser tag is full of ramps and hiding places and running away from people.
2. i had a headache.
3. did i mention i was exhausted?

the third game was the best because we had four dads play. and my brother's spanish teacher.

mr. nanna is my boss's husband, and he's pretty cool cat. he found a good sniper position and while emma and i were running around on the ground floor, he was nailing us. so emma and i found a ramp and snuck up behind him. we eventually drew him out of his sniper position and we overtook it.

unfortunately, mrs. cross, my brother's spanish teacher from high school, found a better sniper location and she preyed on us.

when you think of laser tag, you expect the little kids to be good because they're small and fearless, and you expect the teenage guys to be good because they're like, what up this is just like call of duty

but you don't expect middle aged men and your spanish teacher to completely obliterate you.

it was kind of embarrassing.

but it was awesome.

my mother just hollered up the stairs, EMILY, ARE YOU DONE BLOGGING YET?!

she's obviously never written a post before.

hannibal starts in half an hour, and i have a wonderful family downstairs playing games until then.

stuff to take away from this post.

1. don't follow people around.
2. game of thrones is cool.
3. laser tag is legit.

and that is all.

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