Saturday, June 29, 2013

i'm taking the first step.

i currently have one episode of the first season of game of thrones left and i'm having problems accepting the end of episode nine.

i mean, we all knew that sean bean was going to die. it's sean bean.

but i'm currently sitting alone in my room putting king of the hill cartoons on my tumblr as a way to deal with my problems.

i'm also sending adam inappropriate texts.

since game of thrones has left me an emotional mess, this blog post is probably going to be a mess as well.

oh well. i guess we'll all just have to live with it.

my day started out with me labelling my alarm "GET OUT OF BED YOU LAZY SHIT" and having it go off at eight twenty so i could get up and go to the gym.

i got out of bed. looked at my phone. the screen was flashing GET OUT OF BED YOU LAZY SHIT.

well, i was out of bed. i turned it off and crawled right back in until ten.

last night i did an impromptu ab work out while i was cleaning my room and watching spiderman for the eightieth time. and as soon as i was done, i went downstairs and had a big piece of chocolate cake.

this is how i exercise.

so one night in alma when i had my full knee brace that went from my thigh to my ankle and i was particularly bored and lonely, i watched young adult on netflix. and it was a really good movie about a woman whose life has completely fallen apart. (she had trich, too, which was kind of neat.)

so she's like, thirty-six and she's living in this hovel of an apartment with a dog she barely takes care of and she sleeps on her couch and she eats last night's takeout.

and i'm sitting on my bed with my leg propped up on like, eight pillows with an ice pack over it and i'm like, this is my future.

i kind of felt like that today when my alarm was like, GO WORK OUT and i was like, nah, bro, ima just sleep some more.

i spend a lot of time laying in bed at night thinking that i'm going to work out every day (which i did for two weeks) and that i'm going to eat better (which i never do) and that i'm going to lose ten pounds and feel good about myself.

and that i'm going to move to england and that i'll get accepted to the programme that i want to get accepted to to move there, and that i'll leave with a masters. and that if i love it enough, that i'll stay in england. 

then i wake up in the morning and nothing changes.

last night i had a migraine so i napped until eight in the evening. instead of having fried rice for dinner like a responsible adult, i had two pieces of toast and a poptart. 

i did manage to clean my room and sort my laundry. i then did that impromptu ab workout to make myself feel better, followed by that big piece of chocolate cake.

i've really got my life together.

i also watch the same movie over and over and cry every time that i watch it. when i watch TV shows, i get so angsty that i roll off of couches and i beat my head against walls. 

it's hard moving into the adult world.

now it seems like my entire life is trying to figure out what i want to do after college.

i know exactly what i want to do. i want to move to england.

how i plan to get there is through a programme called teach for united kingdom, which is exactly what it sounds like.

teach for america, but england.

every time i say that, i think of this.

so i'm planning on applying for this programme, getting a visa, and living in england for two years to teach impoverished british children, hopefully in york, but probably in london. after two years i'll leave with a master's degree and if i like it, i can stay as long as i like.

sounds great! mostly to adults!

random adult: what do you want to do with your life?
me: i want to move to england, i'm planning on applying for this programme. (explain programme.)
random adult: that sounds so great! (to my parents) your daughter is going to go places!

conversation i had with my aunt today.

my aunt: what are you going to do?
me: change the world.

because i sure as hell want to. but then i always stay awake at night thinking how the hell am i going to do that?

there are so many things in this world that i want to do. so many things that i get totally overwhelmed and i can't function. then, just when i think i can do all of these things, i remind myself that i'm mortal and that i'm going to die.

i was reminded of that today. today i went to a memorial for my father's cousin who died before the age of sixty.

i don't have infinite time to do all the things i want to do.

i want to live in england.
i want to teach.
i want to be a mental health advocate that makes a difference in people's lives.
i want to work at TWLOHA.
i want to travel the world.
i want to write bestselling novels.

my biggest dream is to be a professional blogger.

after three years of being in alma's education programme, two majors and two minors, and seventy-two hours of teacher placement, i can no longer get a teaching certificate from the state of michigan. i'm out of the education programme and they won't let me student teach. i have one class left, and even though i shrug it off because it potentially makes it easier for me to apply for teach for UK, i'm upset.

teaching is what i've always felt i've wanted to do with my life. i feel as if i can no longer do it, and quite honestly, i feel like i don't necessarily want to do it. 

most of this is anxiety. i feel as if i have too many anxiety to control a classroom. i worry about the direction that education is heading more than the normal person. and i know a lot. my parents are teachers.

there are two things that i truly love. writing books, and blogging.

i. love. blogging. why do you think i do this challenge every year? blogging is one of my absolute favourite things.

i didn't realise that professional blogging was a job until i heard about jenny lawson. i read her book and i loved it. 

my hall director knows that i like to blog. he (i'm assuming it was him) told our PR and marketing department at alma that i enjoy blogging, and they asked me to write a post about the process of becoming an RA as a guest blogger. they then asked me to cover alma's moustache challenge.

shortly after that was posted to my college's blog, i was asked to blog for the student life office.

i run a weekly blog called "just down the hall". i write about alma from the eyes of what i am; your regular RA and student.

in "just down the hall" i've posted about exam week stresses, joining choir, participating in no shave november, the vagina monologues, and campus events that i've attended. i write about my mundane life, rather like i do here, for prospective students to get an inside look at living at alma from the perspective of me, an overworked student who loves every minute at school.

i get paid minimum wage per post. 

i see this as my proud first step to being a professional blogger.

but when i lay awake at night and think about moving to england and losing ten pounds and actually going to the gym and applying for jobs, this thought always crosses my mind.

what the hell is step two?

before i left for england, i spent some time with my grandparents. we talked about the decaying education system and i told my grandpa that i wanted to be a professional blogger. if i could do anything in this world, i'd be a professional blogger.

he laughed and told me that it wasn't a real profession.

i told my mother this the next day. and i was upset. 

it's never fun when someone shits on your dreams.

she told me that my grandpa just doesn't fully understand how the internet has shaped our world, blah blah blah. 

but he's not the first person to say that a professional blogger isn't a real profession.

you know what? maybe it's not. maybe it's not because it doesn't make any money. i'd like to say that that doesn't matter, because it shouldn't. i want to be happy and do what i love.

but i'd also like to be able to pay my bills and have kids and a running car and good insurance. 

i make it a habit of telling people that they can do whatever they want with their lives. i believe that people can do whatever they want with their lives. i want to believe that, i really do.

i want to believe that if you want to live in africa and work at an orphanage, you should jump on that train and go. if you think that being a prostitute would be the greatest thing in the world, go for it.

whatever you want to do, i want you to do it.

but i don't always believe that for myself.


but i never think that i can do it.

i want to do. so badly. but can i actually do it?

you know, i can.

i can live in england. i can become a huge mental health advocate. hell, i'm already a part of the way there. i can write novels and submit them to places, even if i paper my room in rejection letters. 

i can professionally blog.

the first step to doing anything is to actually take that step. i've had this blog for over three years and i love it. i blog for my college and i get paid a little bit to do it.

i'm always having visions of me living in a small apartment with a hedgehog named hamlet and a tortoise named thorin oakenshield. and i still eat leftovers and watch late night TV and possibly sleep on the couch and wear the same outfits twice in a row, and i drive a shitty car that has subway wrappers in the back of it and empty starbucks, because that's what happens when you're in your twenties and trying to be a real adult. 

and in those visions i'm a professional blogger. 

i don't know how i'm going to do it, but i'm going to be what i want to be.

my name is emily. i cry when i watch the lion king, TV shows ruin my life, i eat peanut butter toast for dinner, i talk about trying to be an adult when i'm not all the time, i listen to indie folk music, i want a tortoise that i can't afford, i study english literature at a small private school, i'm a mental health advocate, i'm afraid of a lot of things, and most of my heart is in another country that i hope to live in one day.

my name is emily and i'm a blogger.

and i hope to keep it that way.

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