Sunday, June 30, 2013


it is now officially big kid time.

every single summer since i was like... eighteen or something, my parents have gone on some fabulous vacation without me.

like that time they went out to utah and took gorgeous pictures of thirty foot snowbanks and called me in the las vegas airport to let me know that my mom was playing the slot machines.

that was one of the scariest phone calls of my life, besides the one where my dad called me from the ER, completely drugged out of his mind and said, "my ankle is at a 22.5 degree angle and i can't feel it."

dad, what are you doing.

my parents are leaving at four o'clock in the morning, which is roughly six hours from now, for their biggest bike trip yet.

before you think that my parents are like, scary hardcore harley biker people, remember that they do the lance armstrong thing.

with my grandpa. who's seventy-seven, almost seventy-eight.

one hundred mile bike ride?

no problem. walk in the park.

this is my badass grandpa. 

when he was seventy-two, he rode his bike from vancouver to tijuana.


so this all begins with my second cousin kyle. kyle is built like a footballer, has bright red hair, a really deep voice, and i haven't seen him since i was fifteen. 

he's getting hitched. which is awesome.

WEDDINGS. DRINKS ALL AROUND. (see what i did there? yeah. i quoted a movie.)

he lives in oregon. so for two years we've had this oregon wedding looming over our heads.

and my entire family has been like

are you going?
who's working and can't go?
will aaron have a big kid job? can he go?
are we flying?
what other family will be there?
will we all get the same hotel?
what's going to happen?
how fancy is it?

this was like, two years ago.

well now they're getting married in TWO WEEKS and everyone is like, well shit, that came up kinda fast.

but not that fast for my parents and my grandpa, because they've been planning this big fat western bike trip... thing.

to be perfectly frank, i don't know too much about it, since i'm not badass enough to hop on my bike and head to oregon for the wedding of my semi-distant relative.

so my parents are heading to this place that has the word otter in it in minnesota to hook up with my grandpa's bike group.

you didn't think that my grandpa rode alone when he winters in arizona, did you?

nah. the bro has a huge posse of badass old people that like, mountain bike and shit.

so in minnesota they're meeting up with some of my grandpa's old biking friends and they're going to ride around.

then they're going to drive somewhere farther west. get out and ride around.

then even farther west.

get out and ride around.

are we sensing a pattern?

my mom has maps upon maps and bike routes upon bike routes and hotels and motels and places to stay and food and GPS things and mile trackers and trails and just all the things you need to practically ride your bike to oregon.

honestly, i have no idea where they're staying and biking. my mom has this teeny tiny ancient flip phone with a limited number of minutes and i was like, dude you better call me every night when i get home from work and she was like, oh okay i'll try and i'm like, i don't even know what state you'll be in every day so like, make that a real thing where you like, actually call me?

she'll probably forget. and i'll worry needlessly. 

i don't know, man. ever since my dad called me to tell me the angle of his broken ankle after he fell off his bike (when it wasn't even moving) i just get worried.

not to mention my mom broke her elbow riding memorial day weekend. 

but hey, it happens when your parents are biking badasses.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow for work, eat breakfast alone, go to work, come home, wake up my brother, and we're going to go work out.

then we'll spend all day by ourselves, and it'll be that way until july 11th, when me, my cousin, my uncle, and my grandma fly out to oregon for the wedding for five days.

i'm pretty stoked.

but i'm also kind of clueless about how this is going to go also.

my grandma is insisting that we stay in indy the night before, which means i need to take an extra day off of work, and our flight leaves at some ungodly hour like six in the morning, and we're flying through denver, then arriving in portland in time to rent a car, drive to salem, and attend the before wedding barbecue.

i think we're then all staying in the same hotel and i'm in charge of bringing my parents' wedding clothes so they don't have to worry about them biking across idaho or something crazy like that. 

about fifteen minutes ago my dad says, "these are our wedding clothes. please pack them. i don't want to go to kyle's wedding naked."

my grandma has been obsessed over what to wear to this wedding. she's worried about the weather. and her legs. and the formality of it.

i've decided to wear the dress i got in stratford, england. if it gets cold, i'll put on tights and a cardigan and it'll be absolutely fly.

after the wedding, which i sincerely hope has awesome vegetarian food, we're going to crater lake in washington state for like... two and a half awkward days.

i've never been to washington state, making it the forty-second state on my list of states that i have been to.

then this magical thing happened when we packed up bikes into my grandpa's truck this afternoon.

my grandma: we're flying out through denver and coming back through las vegas.
me: WHAT
my grandma: yes, las vegas.
my grandma: you keep track?
my dad: forty-one states and seven countries.

i'm pretty stoked.

and i just really love weddings and scenic places like crater lake.


but hopefully there won't be snow. because it's july.

the only thing i'm not looking forward to is getting back at three o'clock in the morning on friday morning, and then going to work at seven. 

that'll be a treat for the kids that i work with.

so my parents just had my brother and i downstairs and went through the whole this is all the shit you're in charge of speech and i got a little bit too emotional.

my dad: okay emily you can let go now
my dad: i will use the hug release buttons.

which is where my dad pokes my sides and i squeal because it tickles so much.

my mom was doing that thing where she wanders around the house and talks to herself about every little thing that's out of place, like the comforter that somehow ended up in our dining room. and she went through some pretty comprehensive meijer coupons.

now they're safe in bed, my grandpa is sleeping in the basement, and they're taking off at four in the morning, leaving aaron and i by myself until i leave him all alone when i fly out to oregon to see the union of a family member that i barely know and his fiancee.

to be perfectly honest, i enjoy it when my parents abandon me and i'm completely alone.

not that i don't enjoy the fact that my brother mows the lawn, cooks for me, is much better at cleaning the bathroom, and is great to talk to when i eat lunch. and he's my work out buddy.

but i also really like doing these particular things when my parents are gone for long periods of time.

1. walking around the house in my underwear.
2. singing at the top of my lungs.
3. lounging around in my swim suit until two in the afternoon.
4. showering with the door wide open.
5. wearing the same outfit every single day.
6. feeling like an adult when i go grocery shopping.
7. eating whatever i want whenever i want. mostly breakfast for dinner.
8. i forgot number eight. probably eating poptarts at awkward hours or something.

i can't do many of these things if aaron is around. so i'm really hoping that he starts working a whole bunch.

aaron, if you're reading this, i love you. and i'm sorry if i sing mumford and sons in the shower every single day.

it's my last post of this june GO! challenge. how did that go by so fast?

time. it flies, man. before i know it, i'll be in oregon, hopefully hooking up with a cute hipster man with a beard that likes iron and wine and appreciates nabokov and has a thing for fine wine and cheese.

and then i'll fly home through las vegas to blog about it.

we had a great june, kids. let's have a great july, yeah?


No comments:

Post a Comment