Friday, June 6, 2014

doughnuts shape who you are! and other myths about strange holidays

today is national doughnut day.

tumblr, on special occasions such as this, has a small icon next to their large tumblr logo at the top of the dashboard page. every time i refresh the page, there is a different little doughnut icon that i can casually scroll over. when i do, it tells me a doughnut fact.

or tells me that i am, in fact, a doughnut.

maybe i have been a doughnut all along. a doughnut disguised as a tall, short haired girl with a love of english literature and a hatred of joffrey baratheon.

i've been spending my day thinking about what i wanted to blog about, but all i can think about is national doughnut day.

1. do people actually celebrate national doughnut day?
2. if so, how?
3. i feel like if all they do is go out and buy a doughnut, that's kind of lame.
4. how would i celebrate national doughnut day?

like this!

it's amazing what you can find when you simply google "doughnut themed party". pinterest ensues.

(i should blog about pinterest later. mental note on how i'm planning my wedding and have an entire board set aside for one specific building.)

unfortunately, i can't celebrate national doughnut day by going to dunkin donuts, which is handily just up the road. but i can celebrate it by blogging about doughnuts and how they've shaped my life.


once upon a time, when i was a young lass in elementary school, fort wayne community schools did this really cool thing where if you got a super cool report card, you could go to krispy kreme and get free doughnuts.


i don't mean to be like... vain or anything, but my brother and i are pretty smart. so in elementary school, every single report card we got was like A A A A A A A all down it except for handwriting.

damn it, handwriting. you still ruin my life.

whenever we brought our report cards home, we'd show them to our parents and they'd plan a time for all four of us to go to krispy kreme and get a dozen doughnuts. EACH.

we'd be excited the whole ride there. we'd watch them make the doughnuts. we'd pick out the kind that we wanted.

i always got chocolate with sprinkles, obviously. (i still do.)

when FWCS stopped doing this, i was absolutely heartbroken. i mean, i graduated from high school in the top three percent of my class. don't i deserve some doughnuts for that?

then krispy kreme went out of business and now you can only buy them stale at kroger and even then my mom still won't buy them for me because i'm old and make my own money or something.

"you are not a child, emily. you are a college graduate. if you want doughnuts, buy them yourself."

whatever, mom.

when i was a senior in high school, i began this dreary thing called morning swim practice, where i woke up at four thirty in the morning, picked up my friend emma, and we swam from five fifteen until six forty-five in the morning.

then, sleepy and hungry and not ready for a full day of school plus another swim practice and homework, we would swing through the burger king drive thru and get hashbrowns.

well, emma would get hashbrowns. i'd grab a super size dr. pepper and drink it all the way the way through second period until i thought my bladder was going to explode.

i had saved up money from my summer job and guess where i squandered it after i had that dr. pepper?


as a sleepy collective swim team we'd meet there, get coffee, and chow down before school. one time i was so focused on my doughnut that i almost missed my national honours society meeting.

but it wasn't until i was a sophomore in college that doughnuts really changed my life.

it was the day that i discovered that you could buy cheap delicious doughnuts at walmart and i had plenty of money to buy them and plenty of gas to get myself there.

i know i've blogged about this before, but i went to walmart with a lot of RAs to get RA type stuff and once there, i was lured into the doughnut trap.

the end result of me buying those doughnuts: both of my back tires being shredded, me being late for my first teaching lesson at alma high school, almost missing lunch and not turning in a paper, 236 dollars in car damages, some angry shouting at a fraternity house, and chocolate all over my fingers.

yeah, doughnuts changed my life.

i am no longer going to be a teacher.

(that's correlation, not causation, by the way.)

the other day i was in desperate need of two things and my need was so real that i actually cried and posted about it on various forms of social media.



the boyfriend was a pretty immediate need. he lives two hundred miles away. the proper term for that is shitty.

i don't eat doughnuts all that often, not since the happy elementary school days and my senior year of high school where i was often so tired i didn't know what day it was.

but sometimes i'll be sitting alone in my room watching netflix and generally being the boring person that i am and then i'll be like


does this ever happen to you?! like, ever?!

since i can't celebrate national doughnut day by going all out in true ron swanson fashion...

... i probably won't get a doughnut today.

also probably because i work for five hours and ain't nobody got time for doughnuts when there are avocados to be stocked.



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