fifty shades of GALLOPING ABS?!

if you bothered to read the title of this post, i think you know where this is going.

once upon a time, and i mean last july, i decided that i was going to read fifty shades of grey.

this is always interesting for a number of reasons, the most prominent one being that i know absolutely nothing about sex, but i know enough NOT to google things i don't understand.

some things you learn the hard way.

my mother has read all three fifty shades of grey books. she enjoyed them. (NOT IN THAT WAY, YOU PERV. GET OFF MY BLOG.)

now that the pervs are gone, let's get back to july, where i took fifty shades of grey, which i awkwardly checked out of the library, to a public pool for some poolside reading.

i was planning on live tweeting my reactions. that didn't happen. the twitterverse has yet to thank me for this mercy.

so i'm lounging at this pool and i crack the book open and the first thing i realise that anastasia steele (steel? steele? i don't even care.) is the most annoying protagonist i have ever encountered. like, she eclipses katniss everdeen by a million lightyears, and if we remember to a few june challenges ago, i don't particularly like katniss everdeen unless she's pure jennifer lawrence.

basically anastasia: my roommate is aggressive and forward and i'm socially awkward and unhappy and oooh wow this guy is really hot and i like feeling sorry for myself in sweat pants and wahhhhh

basically me: PLZ STOP TALKING

i kept reading. what was worse than anastasia herself was the prose. like, you guys, i have a bachelor's degree in english (that's so weird to say) so i'm kind of a literature snob, but that doesn't stop me from reading all kinds of kids books and YA novels and other awesomeness. i don't exclusively deal with old white dead guys.

the prose in a nutshell was boring, uneducated, and made absolutely no sense. i understand that e. l. james is british, but her characters are living happily in america and probably shouldn't be speaking in british slang.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I SPELL THINGS THE BRITISH WAY BUT I DEFINITELY DON'T CALL THE BATHROOM THE LOO.

the prose was literally so bad that i couldn't even get to the sex part.

let's be real, that's what i was striving for. but i never even got there.

where is this even going, you ask me? why does the title of my blog say galloping abs? are there galloping abs in fifty shades of grey?

that is an excellent question. as i never even got to the sexy time part, i have absolutely no idea.

so i'm on tumblr like... all the time. tumblr means... fanfiction. fanfiction can be sweet, but it's mostly just erotic stuff. (and some of it is incredibly well written.) i've seen some weird thorin/bilbo shit that i wish i could unsee.

don't get me started on bible fanfiction. YOU DON'T WANNA GO THERE, KIDS.

(i've never read erotic fanfiction. i have stumbled across it. this is a friendly PSA.)

oftentimes, fanfiction isn't published, with the exception of fifty shades of grey and twilight. (LOL!)

my friend hannah is also on tumblr. one day, she and her girlfriend and myself and my boyfriend were eating lunch together and she was like, you guys i found this erotic book that's about ten times worse than fifty shades of grey and i have to read it to you

and i was like, WORSE THAN FIFTY SHADES OF GREY I GOTTA HEAR THIS.

allow me to present to you...

you can't go wrong with this, you guys.

so the characters in this segment are torolf and hilda. while hannah was reading, i couldn't figure out if torolf was a person or a horse. the cover obviously shows him to be a a dude, but like my title suggests... he has galloping abs.

hannah read an excerpt of chapter seventeen. here are some of the highlights.

"Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower's water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet."

we're off to a good start.

"As Hilda's buttermilk bosoms squished up against granite abs, Torolf alkmost had a dick aneurysm."

i think he should see a doctor about that.

in the next line, his penis is referred to as a meat wand. harry potter would be so ashamed.

"Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it."

?!!?!?!!!!!!

"Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson's. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent semen as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!"

IS THIS BOOK EVEN REAL OR

"Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs."

SO YEAH THIS IS A REAL BOOK AND YEAH I SPIT DR. PEPPER EVERYWHERE WHEN HANNAH READ IT TO ME AND YEAH I FOUND IT ON TUMBLR.

also, in trying to find a picture of the cover for this post, i found a dramatic youtube reading of it, and if you'll excuse me, i think i'm going to listen and die of hilarity.

update: my brother and i are both lying on the floor crying.

with my mighty english literature bachelor's degree, i can pretend to be an expert on old dead white guys that wrote vaguely important things. i'm pretty good at finding symbolism and metaphors and writing papers about literature and stuff. you know.

but maybe i should try my hand at erotic literature again.

my abs will be chiselled and galloping from laughing so hard.

also, you didn't think i wouldn't share the dramatic reading, did you?

HERE IT IS, KIDS. BE PREPARED TO FALL ON THE FLOOR DYING.