Sunday, June 29, 2014

it's pride day and i have an announcement.

i've been sitting on this post for a really long time.

i would say i've been sitting on it all month, but i've really been sitting on it for probably a year.

today is pride day.

june is pride month.

today marks the forty-fifth anniversary of the stonewall riots, where pride initially started.

we've come a long way. but we still have a long way to go.

and i say we because i'm bisexual.


(don't get too excited, i came out on tumblr in march. also this picture is my favourite thing ever.)

to come out to my parents, i painted two matching birdhouses. each had rainbow roofs. one was painted my favourite colours and the other one was painted the colours of the bisexual flag.

i gave them to my mom. i wasn't planning on crying, but the next thing i knew, i was like, MOM I'M BISEXUAL TAKE THESE BIRDHOUSES AS A SIGN OF MY LOVE SOB SOB SOB



and then my brother was like, LOL I KNEW YOU WERE BI SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

my brother is a bitch.

what is the definition of bisexual?

heteronormative definition that facebook seems to like: attracted to men and women. (this is, in fact, what my facebook says. interested in men and women. nobody noticed when i changed it.)

but gender isn't a binary. please always remember that gender isn't binary.

so the LGBTQ definition of bisexual is: attracted to the same and other genders.

for all intensive purposes, i like men and women. 

i guess this goes back to like... eighth grade when i had my first crush on a girl. she was in the musical with me and i was really confused because i'd had a crush on this blond kid named colin for like, two years. (when i crush, i crush hard.) and i was mostly like, how can this be? he is attractive. she is attractive. i like them both.

my parents have raised me that love is love is love is love is love is love and my church has taught me the same thing.

this is outside of my church.


but when i had a crush on this girl i put it out of my mind. and then i justified it by being like, "welp, i just think she's really pretty."

there are levels of girl crushes. there's like, "wow i want her clothes and i want her skin" and "wow i want to be her friend she's so cool" and "wow i want to BE HER."

there's also "wow i want to date her."

i convinced myself, for quite a long time, that i had levels of girl crushes that were everywhere but "wow i want to date her".

then college happened and alma has some really hot girls. like, seriously.

i have not dated a girl. (that does not mean that i don't want to.) i have been in two relationships, and they have both been with men.

i have, however, kissed a girl. we were drunk after a performance of the vagina monologues and it was amazing.

being in a heterosexual relationship brings about something that i want to point out before we continue: bisexual erasure.

when you're in a heterosexual relationship, as i am and as i have been, you're assumed to be straight. only a handful of people know that i'm bisexual, and that's because i've told them in person or because they follow me on tumblr.

if i were dating a woman, people would assume that i am a lesbian.

there's a lot of stigma that comes with being bisexual. we're confused. we're one foot in the closet, one foot out. when we're in hetero relationships, we're taking the safe option to stay away from discrimination. when we're in homosexual relationships, we're assumed to only be attracted to the same gender or we're experimenting.

we have our own safe community within the LGBTQ community because sometimes we're even ignored and ridiculed by them.

it's kinda shitty.

the most prominent instance in media that i've seen this happen in is orange is the new black. piper is obviously bisexual or pansexual, and yet everyone around is either labelling her as gay or straight. she flips back and forth between larry and alex and in either instance she's either gay or heterosexual. nobody bothers to point out that she has been in loving, passionate relationships with both men and women and on multiple occasions has told people that she is bisexual.

yet everyone either says "omg she's gay!" or "omg she's straight again!"

it's kind of annoying.

you can say i have heterosexual privilege by being in a hetero relationship and that people assume that i'm straight, but i call it bi erasure, because you're not seeing me for what i really am.

there's also this really annoying thing where of people are like, "wow, you're bi? have you been with a woman?" and when i say no, they're like, "well then you can't really be bisexual."

uh, excuse you, that was rude and it hurt my feelings, and i think i know my sexual orientation better than you do, assbag.

sexuality is rated on this thing called a kinsey scale. i don't know if people actually still use it, but whatever. it was helpful to me in high school. (it also excludes a lot of sexualities. which is unfortunate.)

it looks like this.

when i first looked at it, i rated myself a strong 2.7.

when i look at pictures of jennifer lawrence and natalie dormer and emma watson and yvonne strahovski or when i'm on tumblr too long, i'm a pretty good 3.2.

(gay intensifies)

the kinsey scale says that an even three is bisexual, but whatever man, you like what you like.

you don't need a number to feel what you feel!

and i realllllly like jennifer lawrence.

since coming out to my parents, it's easier for me to talk about how hot women are. the other day at breakfast we were talking about celebrity outs and i was like, "well since i'm bisexual adam gave me two, one man and one woman. i'd definitely go with jennifer lawrence. mmmmm i'd marry her."

AND IT WASN'T AWKWARD! okay, it was a little awkward. but no one questioned it.

there was a post on tumblr today that said "raise your hand if you're a queer kid that started out as an overly invested straight ally" and i raised my hand so high alone in my bedroom. alone in my bedroom is where i spend most of my time.

i'd always get super pissed about gay marriage (or as i like to call it, marriage) and gay rights (or as i like to call them, human rights) and people would be like "whoa dude you're super invested in this" and i'd be like "i have my reasons" and inside i'd be like "YO QUEER PERSON HERE THESE ARE MY RIGHTS YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT"

i started coming out to people small-scale this year. winter semester, to be particular. my best friend barbara and i were drinking in my room and being angsty and i was like "i gotta tell you a thing" and then we hugged. then i came out to my apartment-mates. kait said, "i knew you weren't kidding when you said you'd fuck jennifer lawrence."

adam figured it out before i told him. what a good boyfriend.

eventually i just got to this point where i really stopped caring. at choir rehearsal my friend hannah, who is also bi, was like, "ughhh it's so hard to find girls that aren't straight" and i was like "i know right" and she was like "are you" and i was like "yep" and that was the end of that.

barbara and i are heterosexual life partners. she jokes that she's the only heterosexual one in the relationship.

when i sort of cared who knew, i would drop hints casually in conversation. lemony snicket told me the best way to lie was to tell the truth but pretend you were joking, and that hid my sexuality for a good like... five years. then adam realised i wasn't joking. and then i stopped pretending that i was joking and i was just telling people.

and now i've told the internet. which is a lot of people.

GUESS WHAT, I'M BISEXUAL. if you're homophobic or whatever, you can hate me and delete me on facebook and unfollow me on twitter and generally be a bigot and say i'm going to hell and all of that good shit, but i'm me and i love myself and god loves me and i'm out and happy so whatever, dude.

let's finish up pride month strong, yeah?


No comments:

Post a Comment