Thursday, June 25, 2015

(bad) moving tips with emily!

as the date of my departure from my parents' house looms ever closer like a gigantic fly blotting out the sun, it's time for some moving tips.


1. definitely don't bother to pack.

i have mastered this tip quite well and i learned it in college, where you learn all of your important life skills, like how to write a twenty page paper instead of how to balance a checkbook, how to memorise useless pieces of information instead of how to apply for a loan, and how to not let other people know when you're hungover.

not packing well in advance before you move will ensure that you have HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS. i learned this helpful tip during all four years at school where i decided to pack up my entire room literally the day before i moved out.

this became even more clear when i was still packing up my shit after i graduated.

i was still in my cap and gown and dress. i had a diploma. and i was still packing crap up into my van. this was very life affirming and i enjoyed every minute of it!

2. when you do decide to pack, why bother labelling anything?

i've found that labels just get in your way and make things too organised.

isn't it more fun to open up a box and have no idea what's inside? forrest gump has an entire life philosophy about this! i mean, there's nothing better than unpacking a bunch of shit in your new room, opening up a bunch of boxes, and finding out that it's full of kitchen stuff.

even better, it's more fun when you open up a box and it's got a complete mix of things that can go anywhere! so you just lay it all on your bed and figure out what to do with it later. your bed is big. you'll have plenty of room.

3. you definitely don't need to know what you already have.

have a bunch of stuff left over from college that you don't know about? it's fine, let it stay in the attic, it's already boxed up anyway. (see number two for fun with opening boxes!) it's so much better to go to target, look at stuff you don't think you have, spend lots of money on it, and then find out you already had it.

then you have two! it's a party!

4. no time to go through all your clothes? that's fine.

there's something totally cathartic about going through all your clothes that you don't wear AFTER you've hauled them across the city, state, or country. it's not like they took up bunches of room in your moving vehicle and you spent hours hanging them back up in your new closet.

5. completely forget about buying essentials.

there's nothing quite as exhilarating as pooping in your new bathroom for the first time and realising that you didn't buy toilet paper and have you have none in your entire new place.

6. there's really no point in taking pictures of how your furniture goes together.

everybody can read an ikea manual, it's easy! and that furniture that's hella old, like my bed that's older than my mom? i'm sure that comes apart and goes back together in a completely normal and easy way for me to figure out.

or better yet, you can just haul it into your new place without taking it apart. i'll just ask my boyfriend to carry my gigantic desk up the three flights of steps to my third floor apartment by himself. i'm sure he won't mind at all.

7. the friends who help you move definitely don't want pizza.

nah, they're totally fine with helping you move all freakin' day or all freakin' week and hauling all your shit everywhere and dealing with your unorganised ass and they don't want anything in return.

8. buy a lot of expensive decorations so that you have the coolest apartment in town.

nothing says chic like going into massive debt by buying a TV that you probably won't even use all that often and obscure wall art. only peasants eat off TV trays and don't get couches until they've saved up enough money. while they're busy saving money, you'll be living in style in debt.

so who's the real winner?

9. definitely don't use all of the amenities that the apartment complex provides.

it's not like you're paying for that in your rent or anything. your apartment has a pool? cool, i'm sure it's full of sharks. what about the gym? only weird people exercise. you're not one of those weird people.

10. don't tell anybody where you've moved to.

this is your chance to change your life and completely disappear. your parents, your coworkers, and your friends won't know where you've gone and you can finally have some freedom. your bank and the post office people will LOVE not being able to get a hold of you.

now, get out there, find an apartment that's too expensive for you, don't bother to pack up your shit until the day before, and start your new life under the crushing weight of capitalism and your grandparents wanting you to succeed!

this article was written by emily hollenberg, author of she occasionally writes buzzfeed-like lists in hopes that buzzfeed will see her potential humour and hire her and pay her lots of money. she will not accept lawsuits or damages that result from adhering to this post.

1 comment:

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