Friday, June 12, 2015

bitter bitter bitter.

i'm transitioning into a bitter old woman really rapidly.

i know i blogged about this last year, but i don't really care, because right now i'm really cranky and it's fuelling my bitterness.

i've had a really long week. i had four days in a row of working at the ballet for ten hours. all day today i thought about things that i could blog about and nothing has come to mind.

but then i remembered this buzzfeed article that i read (a list! i love lists!) that was something along the lines of "22 signs that you're a grandma in the body of a twenty-something".

and i was like, OMG THAT'S ME.


1. going out.

when i was in college, i had a few late nights out at the bar. i didn't go to the bar very often because i didn't want to spend the money. but when i did go to the bar, i normally left my apartment around ten, got pleasantly drunk, and left around midnight.

then adam, my man friend, would haul my sorry drunk ass into my bed (it was bunked) while i couldn't shut up.

i'm a talkative drunk. i'm talkative as it is, and i have no filter, but when i'm drunk it's about ten times worse.

i'm even better on painkillers, from what i've been told after i tore my meniscus was given intravenous vicodin.

during the fall, my friend hannah and her boyfriend and i would go out to bdubs to get drinks. i can't really eat anything there, but they have mojitos.


we didn't go out at ten at night.

no, we went at seven pretty consistently. i'd have a few drinks with no intention of getting drunk. then i'd drink a lot of water, and by eight thirty, i was ready to go home.

like, at one point, it wasn't even eight fifteen and i was having trouble staying awake.

now i just don't even go out. and when i do, it's for margaritas like a middled aged woman.

2. still living at home.

i know i'm moving out next month and a lot of people still live at home with their parents, but it really makes me feel unsuccessful.

mostly because right out of college i've worked nothing but part time jobs.

we won't talk about how i worked at kroger. we can talk about my job at the ballet, which hopefully will be full time starting in september (WITH HEALTH INSURANCE!!!).

but like, even though i work two part time jobs i don't quite have enough money to move out? because gas and food cost money? and like, so does rent? and everything in the entire world and just...


i'm not a fan, to be honest. i'm a proud socialist.

what i feel about myself as a failure is unfair. i feel that way because i was one of those kids that was good at (mostly) everything and then realised later on that none of it mattered and i went to an academically prestigious college where everyone was as smart and smarter than me and better than me when i was used to being in the top ten percent of everything i did.

it's also unfair because a lot of my friends that have moved out are in grad school and that's like... provided housing.

i need to give myself a good kick and remind myself that i have worked hard at two jobs for the past year so that i can move out on my own. and that i finally did it.

well, next month i'll have finally done it.

3. engagements and weddings.


i love weddings. love love love love them.

but i'm that age where like, all of my friends are getting engaged? like, every single day facebook is like "your friends so and so got engaged! 114 people like this!"

and i'm like, AWWWW! and then i'm like, awwww? and then i'm like, oh. and then i'm like, you dirty little bastards what the fuck you have your lives together like what.


i legitimately love it when my friends get engaged! it's so exciting! it's the next big step before birthing out screaming human beings that suck away your life and money! you have found the love of your life and you want to spend the rest of your life with them!


but like, at the same time i'm sitting here like, ... is it my turn?

i'm so not ready, though. adam and i have talked about getting married and he told me that by the time he graduates in spring of 2016 and if we're still together, he'd be ready to marry me.

he'll be 21 at that point and i'll be turning 25.

so you would think that by the time i'm turning 25 that i would be ready, but i was like, HOW WILL YOU KNOW? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ME.

seriously, how do you know when you've found the right person?

i'm way overthinking this. everyone tells me that you'll just "know". well i thought i knew with my ex boyfriend of two and a half years, and look how that turned out. so i'm bitter and cynical. for this reason, i'm afraid to picture myself marrying adam, and really, i'm afraid to picture myself marrying anyone.

except the woman that i saw at target the other week with double sleeves and my goal aesthetic.

life goals AND wife goals.

4. avoiding the mall because teenagers.

ugh. youths.

5. lusting after homewares in stores.

most of my pay cheque, the part that doesn't go toward my bills, goes to target.

what do i buy?

occasionally dresses and clothes. most of my wardrobe comes from target. but let's be real, i can't really afford new clothes at the moment.

so what do i buy?

homeware stuff.

i have acquired a handmixer, some nice bath towels, a full set of dishes, and cookware. and most of the time when i go to target, i spend more time looking at house decorations and toothbrush holders than at clothing and shoes.

i'm really excited about buying all my bathroom stuff. i want a cute bathroom. a nice cloth shower curtain. a sophisticated soap dispenser.

something classy.


(i found that picture by googling "bathroom goals".)

i don't even know why i want this so badly. hannah has the big bathroom in our apartment. i have the tiny one off my bedroom.

i wanted that one, though. so i can't complain about getting the small bathroom.

ughhh i don't know, i'm just really bitter tonight. it's a friday night, i'm exhausted from a long week at work, it was stormy out so i couldn't take a walk with my mom after sitting on my ass all day, i haven't had time to start orange is the new black, and i've had the same meal for the past four days. for lunch AND dinner.

and all my friends are getting married.

(adam, this is not an indication that you should propose to me. i would say no because i am not ready and you probably don't really want to spend the rest of your life with me.)

i'm just going to be bitter and spend the rest of my evening looking at charlie cox.

i'm bitter than he has the ability to be adorable and INCREDIBLY SEXY at the same time.


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