serious things. like mental health and feminism and raising the minimum wage.
instead i'm going to blog about the worst movie that i've ever seen in my life.
ZOMBEAVERS.
yes, this is a real movie. and yes, you can watch it on netflix.
adam has had bad netflix movie marathons. i have not. we were talking about it with hannah and her boyfriend brandon, and brandon told us about the masterpiece that is zombeavers.
and it's exactly what it sounds like. zombie beavers.
so without further ado: ZOMBEAVERS, A SYNOPSIS AND MOVIE CRITIQUE
so we start off with a comedian i've never seen and john mayer.
john. fuggin'. mayer.
and they're in this truck with some chemicals and making bad dick jokes and john mayer is like, "hey man you see that deer in the road?" and random comedian is like, "i sure do" and then they hit the deer and the chemicals go spilling into a lake.
cut to three girls and a dog in a prius. they go to college in INDIANA so they have SOUTHERN ACCENTS. (that's just southern indiana, and this was certainly not southern indiana.) they are on a trip to escape their frat boy boyfriends because one of them was being a cheating asshole. they aren't allowed to have their phones once they reach the secluded cabin on the lake. but until then, they can look at dick pics. which they do.
they reach the cabin and go swimming in the tiny disgusting lake. zoe, my favourite, is completely and utterly topless and they find a beaver dam covered in violently green gunk. and they're like, "omg, do beavers pee on shit to mark their territory?!"
then some redeneck guy with a gun comes up and is like, "you should cover up your boobs there girlies and by the way, i'm a creepy misogynistic middle aged man and you're bringing about the death of america and also, beavers are mean."
now they're wearing cute pyjamas and playing would you rather, and i won't even get into that. when suddenly, the three boyfriends show up! frat boy, cheating asshole, and fatter frat boy!
and then the loud sex begins.
the girl that got cheated on is sitting there with her cheating ex-boyfriend like, "wow this is awkward listening to my friends screaming in ecstasy" and he's like, "babe" and she's like, "don't fucking touch me bro" and she goes to the bathroom and there is a ZOMBIE BEAVER IN THE SHOWER WITH INTENSE GREEN EYES AND YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL IT'S A PUPPET!
the badass frat boys stab it with a kitchen knife, put it in the trashbag, leave it on the cabin stoop, and they all go back to having wild sex.
the next day the zombie beaver is gone! a dog must've eaten it, but not zoe's annoying little dog that's been on the trip the whole time. they go swimming in the lake and wow, swimming in a small, gross lake has never been more fun. we learn that cheating asshole has been cheating on blond haired girl with her FRIEND, sorority girl, who owns the cabin. talk about a plot twist!
then the zombie beavers come and literally bite off fatter frat boy's foot. like, he's swimming and holding his foot.
in order to reach shore without being eaten, they sacrifice zoe's dog to the zombie beavers and there's a lot of screaming and crying. against better judgment, they leave fatter frat boy laying on the couch and put his foot in a plastic bag. suddenly it's dark and they think, "wow, maybe we should take fatter frat boy to the hospital."
so regular frat boy and zoe take fatter frat boy in the prius away from the cabin to try to find a hospital, leaving blond girl, cheating asshole, and sorority girl alone at the cabin to face the zombie beavers, which are slowly crawling toward the house with their creepy green eyes that you can definitely tell are just flashlights. there's a good scene with blond girl on the counter in her swim suit and a zombie beaver is going straight for her vagina until she stabs it in the head.
the road is blocked and zoe, frat boy, and dying fatter frat boy can't get to a hospital. frat boy goes for help, but two zombie beavers chew through a a tree and it falls on him and kills him instantly. suddenly redneck guy shows up in his truck, shoots some beavers, and take zoe and fatter frat boy to the cabin next door, where an old couple lives. they are no where to be found bu that's fine, they'll just stay in their creepy farmhouse cabin with the lights off while zoe tries to put fatter frat boy's foot on ice. while she's literally holding his foot, redneck guy is offering her fried chicken.
after blocking the cabin from the encroaching beavers, blond haired girl decides to talk to her sorority sister, the one she doesn't know has been cheating with her boyfriend. sorority girl is laying in bed all sensually and blond haired girl climbs on top of her and and sorority girl is like, "i've told you i don't love you that way" and suddenly it's like, IMPENDING LESBIAN SEX SCENE?
i wanted it. i really did.
but before they could start having lesbian sex...
BLOND HAIRED GIRL TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE BEAVER HYBRID AND TRIES TO EAT SORORITY GIRL'S FACE.
i can't even deal with this.
sorority girl runs and holes herself up in the bathroom with cheating asshole. they have to make sure that they haven't been scratched or bitten, so they get naked and start hitting each other. then they start having sex on the counter.
in the other cabin, zoe has discovered the dead old couple and their dead dog (the saddest part of the movie) and fatter frat boy has turned into a zombie beaver hybrid too! he attacks old redneck guy! now the old couple are zombie beaver hybrids! zoe is trapped on the second floor so she literally dives out of the window and you think she's dead!
while sorority girl and cheating asshole are having sex, blond haired zombie beaver hybrid breaks into the bathroom, bites his dick off and kills him, and sorority girl escapes out the window after the cabin is lit on fire. she and zoe get into the prius and drive like there is no tomorrow! while they are driving, they are running down all the inhabitants of the lake, who are now zombie beaver hybrids and are trying to gnaw on trees to block their path!
it's now almost dawn and they've gotten to where frat boy was killed by the tree. he is now a zombie beaver hybrid (but how?) and they shoot him with redneck dude's shotgun. they resign to walking the rest of the way, bloodied and valiant. zoe finds an ax and is using it to help her walk. once they climb over the tree, sorority girl pulls a gun on zoe and says, "ARE YOU GONNA TURN INTO A BEAVER, BITCH?" and zoe is like, "c'mon man we've been through too much this weekend for this bullshit" but then SORORITY GIRL TURNS INTO A BEAVER HYBRID SO ZOE CHOPS HER UP WITH THE AX.
now zoe is the only one left standing. she valiantly walks down the lonely road, using the ax as a crutch.
cut to john mayer and his comedian friend. they are driving down the road. john mayer says, "hey you see that girl in the middle of the road?" of course, says the comedian, i see her.
zoe turns into a pancake and we're at the credits!
the credits are the best part. it's literally a frank sinatra impresonator crooning a song called "zombeavers."
now for the critique part.
the acting was okay. zoe was by far the best actor, but sometimes her southern accent went away and it was like, where did it go? there was a lot of useless dialogue with old redneck guy, the scene where the loyal golden retriever that's being petted is suddenly replaced with a zombie beaver is a tired old trick, and the impending lesbian sex scene that didn't actually LEAD to a lesbian sex scene was just disappointing for everyone.
they could've used their budget better. the deer killed at the beginning of the movie was some really great graphics. so they decided to have a really good dead deer and a few beaver puppets with what limited resources they had. they could've used that money more wisely, like to make the beavers actually not look like puppets.
the frank sinatra in the credits was a nice touch and made up for the fact that they portrayed college students as being stupid enough to let fatter frat boy sleep on the couch while holding his own foot when they could've just taken the prius to the hospital right then and there.
but A++ for the line, "don't young people just lay around and scissor to lady gaga?"
movie rating: one and a half out of five. if you like bad movies and want a bad movie night, instant five stars.
and if you didn't think there wasn't a scene where a zombie beaver is going straight for blond girl's vagaina, here ya go.
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