Tuesday, June 16, 2015

can i see that axe wound?

today's post is not safe for work, so if you're at work or around children or with your grandma that's stuck in the past like mine is, you should probably read this later.

i had two options to blog about today and i'll probably blog about them both before my june GO! challenge is over.

they both have to do with masculinity.

but today's post is:


i was first introduced to the idea of genital slang through an english class, not a women's studies class. we were encouraged to look up names for penises and vaginas, you know, in case you don't call your genitalia by that name.

i call my vagina a vagina. sometimes i call it a vag. i have a shirt that says GOT VAG? and i wear it when i'm angry at old white men in power or when i'm feeling particularly gay.

my man friend, however, has many names for his penis, the most common being dick. sometimes he calls it a cock, sometimes the family jewels, sometimes his package.

i generally just call it his dick because dick is fun word and it would upset my mother.

not that i want to purposely upset my mother.


in this english class we were encouraged to look up words for penis and vagina and to compare them.

i just googled "names for penis" and found an article called "what posh name does your penis deserve?"

does your penis really deserve anything?

so without further ado.


divine rod
electric eel
gear shift
love muscle
love shaft
magic wand
man's best friend
pork sword (this one just reminds me of juno.)
purple-headed warrior
rod of destiny
the pleasure pump
the titanic

let's take a few things away from this.

most of these names are generally positive. like, i'd be pretty excited if a slang term for my genitalia was one of the most powerful greek gods in ancient mythology. rod of destiny? sign me up. the titanic? that was a BIG boat. hammer? good for nailing, am i right? a knight! to honour his king and save the fair lady! mast! the tallest and sturdiest part of a ship that sticks out as a phallic symbol! purple-headed warrior! MY DICK IS A WARRIOR.

don't get me wrong, there are some weird names for penis that aren't exactly what i would call positive and uplifting. but they're not like... gross or anything.

but let's move on to the vagina, which is what i have between my legs.


axe wound (we're getting off to a bad start.)
beef curtain
fur pie
hairy burger
soggy box
fish taco
bearded clam
meat flap
prison purse
piss flaps
clown hole
open wound

i think we get the point.

in this list that i found (this is about half of it) i found only a handful of positive and uplifting names for vagina.

they are: tunnel of love, muffin, and the promised land.

everything else is just kind of... well it's gross.

axe wound? you're going to call my vagina an axe wound? like, you got the rod of destiny, leading you forth to victory, and i have an axe wound between my legs? what the hell is that?

soggy box. first off, my vagina is not a BOX, and it's not soggy.

when vaginas get excited, they become wet. wanna know why? natural lubrication.

your dick doesn't have that, homie. you gotta lube that shit yourself.

lunchmeat? beef curtain? fish taco? i can appreciate the food metaphor in terms of like, eating people out but i wouldn't eat something called a beef curtain. and i'm not just saying that because i'm a vegetarian. and i'm certainly not about to eat a hairy burger.

muffin is better if we keep going with food. i can eat a muffin. but... why is my vagina a muffin? what type of muffin is it? bran muffins are kind of gross. sorry if you like them.

tunnel of love is nice. i can't really find a flaw with that except it's a little heteronormative.

but the promised land, that i have a problem with, even though it's a lot more positive than axe wound.

the promised land is something that has been promised to you and that you journey to.

so basically, the vagina is this magical place and men are like, "i have been promised that i will get to this magical place called the vagina. when i reach it, i will stick my dick in it and it will be my land."

obviously not every man is going to think that, and certainly not consciously. but the idea that men are entitled to women and women's bodies is not a new idea and something that has been happening, quite literally, for a millenium. men kill women that reject them. men kill women that won't sleep with them. they do this all around the world, and they do it here. in america.

so you can see what i find the term "the promised land" a little problematic.

ever since i saw these names two or three years ago, it's something i think about from time to time.

like, why does your penis get to be this big staff that's going to deliver some act of god (i literally found the name scepter of god as a word for penis) and my vagina is a freakin' axe wound or a hairy burger?

i just don't really think that's fair.

i brought this up with my man friend and he didn't take it really seriously.

"what, you don't like your vagina being called a bearded clam?" he asked me jokingly.

no, i really don't. my vagina is not a weird slimy sea creature that has a beard. my vagina is a sexual and reproductive organ that's way stronger than a penis.

betty white may have said it first, she may not have, but she's certainly attributed to the quote: "why do we say grow some balls? balls are weak. vaginas take a pounding."

one time i acidentally hit adam in the dick, not hard i might add, and he went down like a rock.

my vagina, if everything goes to plan, will literally rip in half as i push a seven pound baby out of it.

i know this entire post sounds like man hating and i'm just being a feminist bitch and blah blah blah, but as someone that is indeed a feminist bitch and has a degree in looking at words, objects, and stories and making theories about them, i can tell you with a fair amount of certaintly that slang names for penis are generally positive and slang names for vagina are generally negative.

i think we can guess why: the elusive patriarchy. that's a different post.

i don't get too mad about this often because nobody has tried to call my vagina a weird, derogatory name, and none of the men that i know call their penises high and mighty names like zeus.

but i still think about it and puzzle and come to the conclusion that these horrible names for vagina are often spoken by men.

i don't hate men. but i really hate the patriarchy, and men, particularly white men, are a part of it and contribute to it.

it's also against FCC rules to say vagina on television but not penis, if you think that everything i'm saying is bullshit.

"but they say vagina on grey's anatomy, emily!"

yes, they do. and you bet your ass that shonda rhimes got in trouble for it and that's why she kept doing it.

in conclusion, this has been a feminist post with emily about the different slang terms for penis and vagina. i hope you have been enlightened. any comments, positive or negative, may be left in the comment section. comments that have the word "feminazi" will be deleted immediately because comparing an equality movement to the genocide of over 6 milion people is disgusting and you should think about that before using that word again.

enjoy your day!

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